As you all know by now, a successful sports franchise requires more than just good roster development and player allocation. We also need to cultivate good relationships with our markets.
Granted, an EFL team’s “market” is different than other major league teams’. MLB markets to potential paying customers, mostly. EFL teams tend to see spouses, etc., as key constituencies. I know in my own experience doing an extra chore around the house or noticing the day she comes home wearing glasses for the first time in her life have an extra bit of motivation when I consider how this is going to help the Wolverines survive another year.
By way of example, here is a true little vide0-of-the-mind from yesterday:
Scene — my house. Melanie has just gotten home. I embrace her.
Melanie: I got a facial today, can you tell?
Me: (A nanosecond of panic. Is it a good thing or a bad thing if I can tell she’s had a facial? What would be the telltale sign of a recent facial? Would I have to have my glasses on to notice? What is a facial, anyway?) (Aha! I can’t even see her face right now, since I’m hugging her and my eyes are beside and slightly above her head.) “Not from here.”
Melanie: Very funny. (But she actually does laugh. And I am saved! And so are the Wolverines.)
As proud as I am of that high point in Wolverine community relations, I had a revelation this morning: I’m a piker, a mere dilettante compared to the Tornados’ management group. The Flint Hill community has a much livelier relationship with its EFL team than anything the Wolverines have accomplished.
Take a look at this photo of a recent Tornado appearance in the Flint Hill market area:
In case you can’t really tell who or what is photobombing this prom-night picture, here’s another shot:
This is brilliant! The Tornados drop in on prom night celebrations around their community. This high school girl and her date are now going to be Tornado fans for life, spending freely for Tornado tickets and Tornado accessories just as soon as that orthodontia gets paid for.
And that’s only the start. Next year all Flint Hill area high schoolers will be bugging their parents for a Tornado appearance at their prom celebrations. “A measly limousine? Daaaaad! You are embarrassing me. How can you be so LAME!”
EFL Standings for 2016
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 30 | 17 | .642 | — | 237.4 | 174.6 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 29 | 17 | .640 | 0.2 | 255.0 | 191.5 |
| Haviland Dragons | 28 | 18 | .607 | 1.7 | 211.7 | 171.4 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 26 | 20 | .568 | 3.5 | 210.4 | 184.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 27 | 21 | .558 | 3.9 | 243.5 | 216.0 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 27 | 22 | .555 | 3.9 | 219.9 | 196.2 |
| Peshastin Pears | 23 | 26 | .478 | 7.7 | 199.4 | 209.9 |
| Kaline Drive | 21 | 25 | .454 | 8.8 | 217.9 | 242.3 |
| Cottage Cheese | 20 | 25 | .441 | 9.3 | 201.7 | 226.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 12 | 35 | .262 | 17.8 | 174.9 | 293.9 |
Canberra: W, 5 – (-1). (.313, .365, .438, 9 ip, 0 er) Canberra apparently saw how the Wolverines were having a good day (see below) and calibrated its own performance just good enough to retain their hold on first place. This required some doing. Blake Swihart had to come out of nowhere to hit two triples and Steven Matz needed to twirl 8 shutout innings. But the ‘Roos have been doing this for 3 weeks now — just enough to stay in first place every day — so I think we need to accept the fact they know how to pull this off on demand.
When it comes to marketing, however, the Captain Kangaroo is going to have to step it up or in the long run they’ll be swept away by the Tornados. Unfortunately, Kangaroos are probably not going to catch on as prom night accessories. They just don’t have the right, I don’t know, pinache. The Kangaroos might have to aim at a slightly younger demographic — say, kindergarten graduations — and pray that the Tornado fad passes before today’s toddlers reach high school.
Old Detroit: W, 7 – 2. (.343, .410, .486; 7.3 ip, 1 er) Speaking of unfortunate branding: we’ve never considered sending Wolverines around to proms or other parties. For one thing, Wolverines are solitary animals unfamiliar with the social graces. Also, Wolverines can be smelly, since they have junior versions of the skunks’ musk glands. Given a choice between having as a party guest a Wolverine or a Tornado, many people might choose the Tornado since it won’t stink or smack its lips at dinner. So we’ll have to make do with Jackie Bradley Jr’s 29-game hit streak (which I probably just jinxed by mentioning it — what good is a self-destructing promotional campaign?) or the occasional outstanding pitching performance of a Corey Kluber. Also, the fun of always being just 0.2 games out of first without ever being IN first.
Haviland: L, 6 – 9. (.304, .340, .391; 5 ip, 6 er). Before the Tornados came along, the EFL industry standard in community relations was clearly the Dragons. They came up with my all-time favorite baseball-themed line: the clueless husband in the birthing room saying “Honey, you’re embarrassing me in front of Buster Posey.” That was classic. But now Posey is no longer a Dragon, and the Dragons are draggin’ in the pennant race just a little, the latest indignity being Carlos Martinez’ 5 ip, 6 er performance. Perhaps it’s time to freshen up the operation in Haviland.
Flint Hill: L, 8 – 8. (.323, .364, .548; 13.3 ip, 9 er.) You’d think, after featuring Tornados two days in a row, the fine people of Flint Hill would feel adequately attended to, so I wouldn’t have to struggle to find something to say about a fine offensive performance gone to waste. But here I am, writing about Flint Hill again. Apparently the new bullpen management rule there is “everyone pitches until they give up 3 earned runs.” So Iwakuma went 7 ip, 3 er. Then Collin McHugh went 5.3 ip, 3 er. Then Seung Hwan Oh went 1 ip, 3 er. It did work in the sense it got them into 4th place, but I dunno. I think I’ll let the Tornados continue experimenting with this idea before I implement it in Old Detroit.
Pittsburgh: L, 0 – 7. (.167, .244, .167; 12.7 ip, 8 er.) Pittsburgh has frequently resorted to “distance management”, leaving the team to fend for itself in May, interrupted irregularly by plaintive requests for reallocations when word of a DL episode leaks across the Atlantic. It has worked for them in the past, but I suspect Allegheny management may be slipping behind the times with the new generation of coddled prospects. Rubby de la Rosa (4.3 ip, 5 er) and the usually-stellar trio of Altuve, Castellanos, and Trout (0 for 12 combined) apparently need constant positive reinforcement or they lose their way. Perhaps its time to reconsider whether the community relations gains of spending a month cultivating the European market are worth having the well-oiled Allegheny machine slide so far out of tune: fallen to fifth place now, with the Rosebuds pricking their foothills.
Portland: L, 2 – 4. (.222, .255, .267; no pitching). The Rosebuds were the up-and-comers a few days ago, rising into 4th place, apparently poised to make an assault on the top three. And you know, it’s not like the Rosebuds have fallen since then. It’s more that they have stood still while the Tornados and (to a lesser degree) Allegheny passed them. The EFL pennant race has tightened considerably the last few days, so now the 6th place Rosebuds about where they were when they were in 4th place: 3.9 games back. Six teams within four games of first — that’s more exciting than anything going on in MLB! It should market itself. I am happy to let the Rosebuds ride along with the rest of us, but at some point it will need to put some pitching on the field.
Peshastin: L, 4 – 4. (.289, .325, .474; 1 ip 0 er). I don’t know why I have to think up everyone else’s community relations program for them. But here goes: get some people to breed a smaller, rounder type of pear, white, with a raised red part that circles the fruit. Pears that look like baseballs! Every time people see such a pear in the grocery store, they think of baseball. (And, assuming you are invested in the pear industry, you’ll like this: every time someone sees a baseball, they’ll get hungry for pears!) Or would you rather rely on the drama of Billy Burns getting thrown out at 3rd because Kyle Seager deked him into not sliding?
Kaline: W, 7 – 3. (.273, .353, .568; 7.7 ip, 4 er). Bud Norris gets a promotion from the Drive and what does he do? A little triple chulk (0.3 ip, 1 er). But the Drive barrelled on to a win anyway, thanks to six hitters OPSing 1.000 or better, especially Kris Bryant’s 2 for 3 with a homer and a walk. You would think marketing the Drive would take care of itself. What else is there to do on Whidbey Island, besides root for the Drive? And Mrs. Wizard is herself an accomplished veteran of fantasy baseball, so that particular market segment should be well in hand. (No, “Mrs. Wizard” is not a euphemism for “witch.” And yes, I am aware she has her PhD, but so does Tom, so “Dr. Wizard” wouldn’t have been clear. And no, I am not going to pick fights with every league owner’s spouse, one by one.)
Cottage: W, 9 – 8. (.326,.383, .581; 1 ip, 3 er). I saw a Shreve sign along the freeway (I think it was) the other day, and thought immediately of Chasen Shreve and the Cheese. “Nice work, Dave!” I thought, getting publicity out there about their studly young relief pitcher. The sign, as I interpreted it, called Shreve a “jewel”, which, sure, I can see that working, tying in to the baseball diamond, etc. But it turns out there are risks in marketing our players, because last night Chasen Shreve coughed up 3 earned runs in 1 inning — the opposite of a gem, whatever that is — and nearly wasting a fine offensive performance by the Cheese.
D.C.: L, 2 – 8. (.190, .261, .286; 7.7 ip, 6 er.) Hmmm. The “Balk” is a great inside joke to knowledgeable baseball fans. But, on reflection, is it the kind of brand that will expand the EFL market? I can see why a new franchise needs to focus its limited resources on its likeliest customers, so the Balk works at that level. But if you really want to become a cultural icon, shouldn’t you find a more accessible corporate identity? I mean, you have Kyle “Bearclaw” Barraclough (0.7 shut out innings), to pastries what the Pears are to pears. And you have Dillon Gee! Gee Whiz! The Gee Factor! The copy practically writes itself. And I’m sure you can find a way to cover up the occasional unsightly 4 ip, 5 er outing Dillon Gee-nerates.
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 29 | 17 | .640 | — |
| Boston Red Sox | 29 | 17 | .630 | 0.4 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 26 | 18 | .591 | 2.4 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 26 | 20 | .568 | 3.3 |
| New York Yankees | 22 | 23 | .489 | 6.9 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 23 | 25 | .479 | 7.4 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 21 | 23 | .477 | 7.4 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 30 | 17 | .642 | — |
| Washington Nationals | 28 | 19 | .596 | 2.2 |
| New York Mets | 27 | 19 | .587 | 2.7 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 26 | 21 | .553 | 4.2 |
| Miami Marlins | 24 | 22 | .522 | 5.7 |
| Atlanta Braves | 12 | 33 | .267 | 17.2 |
| D.C. Balk | 12 | 35 | .262 | 17.8 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago White Sox | 27 | 21 | .563 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 27 | 21 | .558 | 0.2 |
| Cleveland Indians | 25 | 20 | .556 | 0.5 |
| Kansas City Royals | 24 | 22 | .522 | 2 |
| Detroit Tigers | 23 | 23 | .500 | 3 |
| Minnesota Twins | 12 | 34 | .261 | 14 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 31 | 14 | .689 | — |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 26 | 19 | .578 | 5 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 24 | 23 | .511 | 8 |
| Cottage Cheese | 20 | 25 | .441 | 11.2 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 20 | 26 | .435 | 11.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 15 | 32 | .319 | 17 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Seattle Mariners | 28 | 18 | .609 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 28 | 18 | .607 | 0.1 |
| Texas Rangers | 27 | 20 | .574 | 1.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 21 | 25 | .454 | 7.1 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 21 | 26 | .447 | 7.5 |
| Oakland A’s | 20 | 28 | .417 | 9 |
| Houston Astros | 19 | 28 | .404 | 9.5 |
Better than a PhD, Michele has an MBA and is a CPA. That means she must have taken a marketing course somewhere in there. I do not think she has had a recent facial, and if she did, would I notice? I am going with the hugging strategy. Tom
The Alleghenies aren’t even IN Europe. What is the point of their corporate management seeking to cultivate the European market? Do they have enough faith to move mountains?
Tornadoes are a great example of what is fun about the month of May in the EFL – from far away they are fun, but the closer they get the more attention they receive…