I have been skimping on long-winded updates this week. For the first half it was because of crazy busy-ness at home. For the second half it has been because I am in Seattle with Ben and Sam visiting Melissa, Rahul and my grandsons. These two facts are related.
Today, however, an event of cosmic importance compels me to write at some length. “What length?” you may ask. I don’t know. Some length or other.
EFL Standings for 2016
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 47 | 25 | .648 | — | 406.9 | 301.0 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 47 | 28 | .623 | 1.4 | 389.8 | 295.6 |
| Haviland Dragons | 45 | 29 | .611 | 2.4 | 380.0 | 305.6 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 41 | 33 | .552 | 6.8 | 354.9 | 317.3 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 38 | 34 | .527 | 8.7 | 349.3 | 329.7 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 37 | 35 | .511 | 9.9 | 322.9 | 316.4 |
| Cottage Cheese | 36 | 36 | .500 | 10.7 | 354.7 | 348.4 |
| Peshastin Pears | 37 | 38 | .499 | 10.7 | 321.6 | 322.1 |
| Kaline Drive | 28 | 46 | .383 | 19.3 | 337.5 | 429.8 |
| D.C. Balk | 24 | 50 | .330 | 23.2 | 292.4 | 422.5 |
Old Detroit: W, 7 – 4. (.310, .364, .517; 11.7 ip, 6 er). His suspension over, Manny Machado came back with a vengeance, including a homer. Now we need Rizzo to get over his back trouble before the Rosebuds run us down.
Portland: W, 9 – 4. (.386, .419, .737; 11 ip, 5 er). Those darn Rosebuds came up with yet another Happy Edgar Martinez Day — 9 guys OPSing at least 1.000 — and decent pitching to go with it. They have got to stop this excellent play before they subject the league to Brexit-like disorder…
Haviland: W, 16 – 3. (.500, .542, .825; 10 ip, 4 er). … and the Dragons were even more troublesome. 8 guys OPSed 0ver 1.000. Eight out of 11.
Canberra: “W”, 8 – 9. (.289, .400, .526; 4.3 ip, 6 er). Slightly more modest offense, and rather bad pitching — we can relax about the ‘Roos being disruptive to the established order. For now.
Pittsburgh: L, 5 – 10. (.303, .361, .303; 9.3 ip, 14 er). David Price had a chulky bad day — 2.3 ip, 6 er — and Aaron Blair pretty much followed suit (4.3 ip, 8 er).
Flint Hill: 5 – 3. (.310, .356, .357; 4.3 ip, 0 er). If I tell you the Tornados had six batters with OPS of at least 1.000, you’d thing they had a great day. But those six include a guy who walked as a pinch hitter, and three more precisely 1.000 OPS performances. The seventh – best OPS was only .500.
Cottage: W, 6 – 3. (.333, .368, .611; 5 ip, 1 er). So here’s the cosmic news: the Cheese actually have passed the Pears, as promised! We all thought it was just hot air, but no, the Head Cheese is a man of his word! See — it’s cosmic, even if only on a sort of quantum level.
Peshastin: L, 1 – 5. (.239, .265, .326; 14 ip 10 er) What has brought the Pears to this lowly estate? I don’t know — I haven’t been paying close attention these last couple of days. Yesterday’s numbers are unimpressive, unless you count Severino Gonzalez’ infinite daily era as “impressive” — but it was only one earned run. Will Pear fans DisPear over this setback? Will head roll in the Peshastin front office?
Kaline: L, 9 – 9. (.324, .444, .568; 3.0 i, 3 er ). They were feeling generous on Whidbey Iland yesterday — lots of runs scored and allowed. Peter Bourjos has been scorching it this monrh, with a .375 , .405, .600 batting line.
D.C.: L, 6 – 9. (.333, .355, .433; 4.3 ip, 3 er). Solid offense, weak pitching. But the Balk are still ahead of the Twins.
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 47 | 25 | .648 | — |
| Baltimore Orioles | 42 | 30 | .583 | 4.6 |
| Boston Red Sox | 41 | 32 | .562 | 6.1 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 40 | 35 | .533 | 8.1 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 37 | 35 | .511 | 9.9 |
| New York Yankees | 36 | 36 | .500 | 10.6 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 31 | 40 | .437 | 15.1 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 43 | 31 | .581 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 41 | 33 | .552 | 2.2 |
| New York Mets | 39 | 33 | .542 | 3 |
| Miami Marlins | 39 | 35 | .527 | 4 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 31 | 44 | .413 | 12.5 |
| Atlanta Braves | 25 | 48 | .342 | 17.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 24 | 50 | .330 | 18.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cleveland Indians | 42 | 30 | .583 | — |
| Kansas City Royals | 38 | 34 | .528 | 4 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 38 | 34 | .527 | 4 |
| Detroit Tigers | 38 | 36 | .514 | 5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 37 | 37 | .500 | 6 |
| Minnesota Twins | 23 | 50 | .315 | 19.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 48 | 24 | .667 | — |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 38 | 34 | .528 | 10 |
| Cottage Cheese | 36 | 36 | .500 | 12 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 35 | 39 | .473 | 14 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 33 | 40 | .452 | 15.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 28 | 46 | .378 | 21 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Texas Rangers | 47 | 27 | .635 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 45 | 29 | .611 | 1.8 |
| Houston Astros | 38 | 36 | .514 | 9 |
| Seattle Mariners | 37 | 37 | .500 | 10 |
| Oakland A’s | 31 | 42 | .425 | 15.5 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 31 | 43 | .419 | 16 |
| Kaline Drive | 28 | 46 | .383 | 18.6 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| San Francisco Giants | 48 | 27 | .640 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 47 | 28 | .623 | 1.2 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 41 | 34 | .547 | 7 |
| Peshastin Pears | 37 | 38 | .499 | 10.6 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 36 | 40 | .474 | 12.5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 34 | 39 | .466 | 13 |
| San Diego Padres | 32 | 43 | .427 | 16 |
Thank you for the long-winded update! Actually I’ve seen longer winds, that one was about mid-size. And it could have been a little longer. It could have, for example, mentioned that the Cheese have once again achieved mediocrity (a .500 record). This is not a big deal for some of the more elite franchises of the Early Fantasy League, but for the lowly Cheese, it’s worthy of note.
Passing the Pears was only a matter of time, of course. Inevitable. Always put the Cheese course before the fruit course.