Those of you who have stumbled across the delight of British TV comedy may know the show Keeping Up Appearances, about the Bucket family (pronounce boo-kay). According to the internet, the show features “a snobbish housewife… determined to climb the social ladder, in spite of her family’s working class connections and the constant chagrin of her long suffering husband.” It’s a great show about pretences: not really being qualified for the status to which we pretend.
If you are sharp-eyed, you will see in the standings below evidence that some of us are pretending, struggling be seen as “better” than we really are.
EFL Standings for 2016
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Haviland Dragons | 98 | 56 | .635 | — | 799.4 | 603.8 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 96 | 58 | .624 | 1.7 | 786.5 | 609.0 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 92 | 62 | .598 | 5.6 | 756.0 | 610.6 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 91 | 62 | .593 | 6.6 | 820.2 | 678.6 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 87 | 66 | .566 | 10.6 | 748.9 | 645.8 |
| Peshastin Pears | 85 | 69 | .553 | 12.6 | 767.1 | 679.3 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 76 | 78 | .492 | 22 | 679.8 | 686.8 |
| Kaline Drive | 72 | 82 | .465 | 26.2 | 746.7 | 810.3 |
| Cottage Cheese | 66 | 87 | .434 | 30.9 | 695.3 | 796.1 |
| D.C. Balk | 57 | 96 | .369 | 40.8 | 639.6 | 852.4 |
Haviland: L, 3 – 9. (.243, .275, .378; 12.7 ip, 8 er) Who had the worst day of any team in the EFL? Why, it was the Dragons. And it was even worse than it looks. Danny Duffy’s 3.7 ip, 6 er counted 100% toward the Dragons’ result, thanks to his allocation. Bot Matt Barnes and Juan Nicasio, who combined for 2 scoreless innings, are allocated at 0. Silly Dragon GM.
Old Detroit: L, 2 – 7. (.222, .271, .333; 17.3 ip, 11 er). What I just said, except Francisco Liriano hurled a complete game three-hit shutout. He’s allocated 0%. Silly Wolverine GM. But, oh the relief to see the Dragons had an equally bad day. The season isn’t completely over!
Portland: L, 5 – 6. (.317, .391, .366; 15.3 ip, 9 er.) Like the previous two teams, but at least they got some hitting. Still — all those earned runs allowed… If it wasn’t for Michael Fulmer’s 7 ip, 1 er, it could have been very ugly.
Pittsburgh: W, 3 – 1. (.204, .271, .315; 13 ip, 6 er)
Canberra: W, 5 – 4. (.211, .268, .421; 3.7 ip, 2 er).
Peshastin: W, 0 – (-3). (.190, .292, .238; 9.7 ip, 0 er). So here’s a team that still knows how to pitch, even when it has to spread 9.7 inning over 6 different pitchers. But the hitting…
Flint Hill: W, 7 – 5. (.238, .429, .429; 10.3 ip, 6 er). Like Peshastin, only the opposite. And hey, look, the Tornados still have a real chance to finish above .500.
Kaline: W, 6 – 1. (.270, .386, .351; 8.7 ip, 1 er). Here’s the team that came closest to putting it all together: solid offense thanks to a high OBP (built on 7 walks) and excellent pitching, led by James
Paxton’s 7 ip, 1 er. Which would have been 7 shutout innings had Wolverine Brandon Gamel made the play on a catchable ball over his head in right field.
Cottage: W, 5 – 2. (.235, .333, .471; 7.3 ip, 2 er). Another competent team — what a relief to finally encounter a couple of organizations who can hit a little AND pitch effectively. What are the Cheese doing way down here?
DC: “W”, 2 – 6. The Balk stretched their lead over the Twins to 2 full games with yet another “win.”
They also completed a pattern in the league whereby the top 3 teams all lost and the bottom 7 all won (or at least, “won”). In fact, the teams which had the best days are all in the “lower” division of the league, centered clearly on the 8th place team.
So what gives? If the correlation between performance and position is so clearly negative, are the top 3 really what they pretend to be?
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 96 | 58 | .624 | — |
| Boston Red Sox | 90 | 64 | .584 | 6.1 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 84 | 69 | .549 | 11.6 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 83 | 71 | .539 | 13.1 |
| New York Yankees | 79 | 74 | .516 | 16.6 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 76 | 78 | .492 | 20.3 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 65 | 88 | .425 | 30.6 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 89 | 64 | .582 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 87 | 66 | .566 | 2.3 |
| New York Mets | 82 | 72 | .532 | 7.5 |
| Miami Marlins | 76 | 78 | .494 | 13.5 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 69 | 85 | .448 | 20.5 |
| Atlanta Braves | 63 | 91 | .409 | 26.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 57 | 96 | .369 | 32.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 91 | 62 | .593 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 90 | 63 | .588 | 0.7 |
| Detroit Tigers | 83 | 70 | .542 | 7.7 |
| Kansas City Royals | 77 | 77 | .500 | 14.2 |
| Chicago White Sox | 72 | 81 | .471 | 18.7 |
| Minnesota Twins | 55 | 99 | .357 | 36.2 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 98 | 55 | .641 | — |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 80 | 73 | .523 | 18 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 77 | 76 | .503 | 21 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 70 | 84 | .455 | 28.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 66 | 87 | .434 | 31.6 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 63 | 90 | .412 | 35 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Haviland Dragons | 98 | 56 | .635 | — |
| Texas Rangers | 91 | 63 | .591 | 6.8 |
| Seattle Mariners | 81 | 72 | .529 | 16.3 |
| Houston Astros | 81 | 73 | .526 | 16.8 |
| Kaline Drive | 72 | 82 | .465 | 26.2 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 68 | 86 | .442 | 29.8 |
| Oakland A’s | 66 | 87 | .431 | 31.3 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Portland Rosebuds | 92 | 62 | .598 | — |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 88 | 66 | .571 | 4.2 |
| Peshastin Pears | 85 | 69 | .553 | 7 |
| San Francisco Giants | 81 | 73 | .526 | 11.2 |
| Colorado Rockies | 73 | 81 | .474 | 19.2 |
| San Diego Padres | 65 | 89 | .422 | 27.2 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 64 | 89 | .418 | 27.7 |