This evening I finally dared to look at the numbers for the Wolverines from Friday’s games — it had been a long day already. As you will see below, it got longer in a hurry when I saw the Wolverine droppings.
But then I glanced at this flyer I got in the mail. A woman in her 60’s is sharing a laugh with what appears to be her 30-something daughter — both healthy, happy, attractive. Why are they so happy when we Wolverine fans are not? The answer is clearly in the headline above them, in cheery purple: “Have you been considering cremation?”
Why, no, I thought, I haven’t been. My dad’s body was cremated a few weeks ago, and so was my aunt’s, but I hadn’t really been pondering the implications for my own remains. But judging by those deeply happy women on the flyer, perhaps I should consider if my present morose state might be remedied by joyful contemplation of cremation!
NOW I know what the Dragons have been using instead of WAR! NOW I know why the Head Cheese has been chortling constantly for weeks. NOW I know the fate of my Wolverines, if only they can be so lucky!
EFL Standings for 2017
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Cottage Cheese | 9 | 2 | .786 | — | 71.4 | 37.3 |
| Peshastin Pears | 7 | 4 | .665 | 1.3 | 42.6 | 30.2 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 6 | 3 | .623 | 2 | 42.7 | 33.3 |
| Haviland Dragons | 7 | 4 | .595 | 2.1 | 62.9 | 51.9 |
| Kaline Drive | 6 | 5 | .541 | 2.7 | 41.5 | 38.3 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 6 | 5 | .536 | 2.7 | 53.1 | 49.4 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 5 | 6 | .431 | 3.9 | 39.6 | 45.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 4 | 6 | .381 | 4.3 | 38.1 | 48.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 3 | 8 | .295 | 5.4 | 48.0 | 74.2 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 2 | 7 | .246 | 5.4 | 25.0 | 43.8 |
Cottage: W, 7 -3. (.270, .325, .405; 5.7 ip, 1 er.) Ok, so Friday was only half the day Thursday was. It’s still enough to add to the Cheese lead. Remember: the Cheese went out and got the greatest sluggers alive, and they came through again yesterday: Jonathan Schoop (1.750 OPS), Jorge Polanco (1.250) and Martin Maldonado (1.167). Oh, were you looking for Wil Myers (.500 OPS), Bryce Harper (.650) or Mike Trout (.500)? Maybe Addison Russell (.500)?
Peshastin: “L” 5 – 4. (.256, .319, .488; 0 pitching). I wrote at first “0 pithing” and that would have been about right, too. The Pears pretty much matched the Cheese offense. There just wasn’t any $12,000,000 pitching on the Pears — nor at any other price point, either.
Flint Hill: “W”, 5 – 7. (.286, .342, .371; 0 pitching). Ditto. In fact, 8 out of the 10 teams scored either 3.5 or 4.5 runs Friday. I rounded them off in different directions, kind of at random, but it was uncanny. Eerie. Spooky. Kind of creepy. Like my theme today.
Haviland: “W”, 4 – 7. (.267, .476,.733; 0.7 ip, 0 er). Those numbers look toweringly impressive. But they only refer to 5 Dragon hitters, with only 15 AB amongst them. So there are replacements, possibly, doing a number on Dragon numbers. Torching them, you might say. But then, these ARE the Dragons we’re talking about.
Kaline: L, 3 – 8. (.222, .317, .278; 5.7 ip, 4 er). Speaking of being torched, so was Chacin. And so were the 6 Drives who didn’t get hits. The other 5 hitters went 8 for 21, for a combined .321, .409, .476 batting line that holds up against anyone’s. Go Drive! We don’t want another Kaline flame-out and descent back to earth.
Canberra: L 5 – 6. (.158, .298, .299; 17.3 ip, 9 er). So many EFL teams are hitting so poorly, I got to wondering if this was MLB-wide or just something being suffered in the backwater known as the EFL. So I checked it out. The MLB-wide batting line is .242, .316, .397 — an OPS of .714, creating 4.26 runs per game. That’s a shade off from last year’s .255, .322, .417 — a .739 OPS, creating 4.48 runs per game. But it just puts us back to 2015 numbers: .254, .317, .405 — an OPS of .722, creating 4.25 runs per game. So, no, it’s not MLB. It’s just us. Oh, by the way: Rick Porcello already opted for cremation, apparently: 4.3 ip, 8 er. All the other Kangaroo pitchers — there were 4 of them — combined for 13 ip, 1 er.
Portland: “W”, 4 – 5. (.316, .400, .526 — an Edgar Martinez Day!. 7 ip, 2 er). I am having trouble understanding how Portland can have such a lackluster result with such good numbers. I don’t have time now to do the research; I’ll look into it if it persists.
Pittsburgh: L, 5 – 6. (.290, .371, .516; 18 ip, 4 er). Huh. Here’s one equally as puzzling. More research.
DC: L, 4 – 7. (.182, .357, .227; 2 ip, 0 er). Yeah — the idea that the Balk could score about what the Rosebuds did with a batting line less than half as good — something seems off.
Old Detroit: L, 3 – 5. (.205, .238, .231; 1 ip 0 er) Unfortunately the Wolverine numbers make perfect sense. This team needs a fire lit under it, at least. Jose Iglesias hasn’t given up (3 for 4 with a double) — but then, he just woke up Thursday, and probably imagines he has some use for his intact body. I guess we should postpone actual cremation until the coroner has time to stop by and make things official, or at least until Iglesias resumes his former torpidity.
Final note:
Look at all those results for a minute. Do you notice anything?
It shouldn’t have taken you this long to notice that the only team with a clean win Friday was the Cheese, who were already in first place and thus needed the win the least. So that’s how the Cheese Era is going to be? To those who have much, much will be given? And those with little will have even their little bit taken away? It won’t take long until everyone is pining for the gentle ministrations of the Wolverines.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017 — Nice work, Dave — you fixed it!
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Baltimore Orioles | 7 | 2 | .778 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 6 | 3 | .623 | 1.4 |
| New York Yankees | 6 | 4 | .600 | 1.5 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 6 | 5 | .545 | 2 |
| Boston Red Sox | 5 | 5 | .500 | 2.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 2 | 7 | .246 | 4.8 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 1 | 9 | .100 | 6.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| New York Mets | 7 | 4 | .636 | — |
| Washington Nationals | 6 | 4 | .600 | 0.5 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 6 | 5 | .536 | 1.1 |
| Miami Marlins | 5 | 5 | .500 | 1.5 |
| Atlanta Braves | 3 | 6 | .333 | 3 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 3 | 7 | .300 | 3.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 3 | 8 | .295 | 3.8 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Detroit Tigers | 7 | 3 | .700 | — |
| Minnesota Twins | 6 | 4 | .600 | 1 |
| Chicago White Sox | 5 | 4 | .556 | 1.5 |
| Cleveland Indians | 4 | 6 | .400 | 3 |
| Kansas City Royals | 4 | 6 | .400 | 3 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 4 | 6 | .381 | 3.2 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cottage Cheese | 9 | 2 | .786 | — |
| Cincinnati Reds | 7 | 4 | .636 | 1.6 |
| Chicago Cubs | 6 | 4 | .600 | 2.1 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 6 | 5 | .545 | 2.6 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 4 | 6 | .400 | 4.1 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 3 | 7 | .300 | 5.1 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 7 | 4 | .636 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 7 | 4 | .595 | 0.5 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 6 | 5 | .545 | 1 |
| Kaline Drive | 6 | 5 | .541 | 1.1 |
| Oakland A’s | 5 | 6 | .455 | 2 |
| Texas Rangers | 4 | 6 | .400 | 2.5 |
| Seattle Mariners | 3 | 8 | .273 | 4 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Peshastin Pears | 7 | 4 | .665 | — |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 7 | 4 | .636 | 0.3 |
| Colorado Rockies | 7 | 5 | .583 | 0.8 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 6 | 5 | .545 | 1.3 |
| San Diego Padres | 5 | 6 | .455 | 2.3 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 5 | 6 | .431 | 2.6 |
| San Francisco Giants | 5 | 7 | .417 | 2.8 |
Not one of my better posts. Sorry. The cremation device seemed clever at the time. Now, after all these minutes of reflection, I’m not happy with it.