Zombie rumors rumble up from deep in the EFL backwoods

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Haviland: L, 5 – 9.  (.226, .314, .516;  7 ip, 8 er.)  Relax. We all know zombies don’t really exist. Look at the heart of your lineup: Rizzo (1.833 OPS yesterday), Sanchez (1.833), and Sano (1.850): they are strong and healthy, never felt better.  Ervin Santana didn’t do well (6 er in 5 ip), but he did strike out 6, so it’s not like his arm had died or anything. Even Alex Colome, who chulked (1 ip, 2 er), struck out 33% of the batters he faced. Tell you what, we’ll take a stroll through the EFL and look for signs of these non-existent zombies.

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Cottage: W, 15 – 7. (.412, .524, .912; 12.0 ip, 7 er).  The Cheese aren’t zombies. Zombies have to have been dead. The Cheese clearly have NOT been dead — at least, not this year.  True, they were slowing down, starting to shuffle in a creepy way, and Sonny Gray struggled yesterday (5 ip, 5 er),  but look at that offensive firepower!  Corey Seager, all by himself, going 4 for 5 with 3 homers and a double: that’s 14 total bases and a 3.600 OPS.  The Cheese weren’t dead, they were just aging a little, trying to add zest to their flavor.  And it looks like they succeeded! They gained 1.1 games in a single day.  That’s just normal behavior in the land of the living, when the first place team stumbles on a day their pursuers do well.

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Portland: W, 6 – 3. (.250, .351, .469; 19 ip, 11 er).  The Rosebuds leapt forward two places in the standings, which is probably unnerving to a Dragon, but take a deep breath: it only erased 0.6 of the games by which the ‘Buds were behind.

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Pittsburgh: “W”, 1 – 4. (.192, .259, .365; 2.0 ip, 2 er).  We were able to dispel irrational fears about the top three teams because they are clearly too lively to be zombies. But what about the Alleghenys?  They sent 13 men to the plate, all of them appearing at least 4 times, for a total of 57 plate appearances.  They got 10 hits out of all that, plus 4 walks and a hbp. All that effort scored 1 run.  So little gain…  that is a little alarming.  But is it zombie activity?  Or is it just how huge piles of rock go: slow, glacial, inevitable.

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Flint Hill: W 1,  L, 3; 22 – 28. (.333, .459, .533; 1.7 ip, 0 er)  The irony here is super-delicious. The Tornados had a great day at the plate, a Happy Edgar Martinez Day.  Even with scanty pitching, that would haver been enough to secure a nice win.  But yesterday was the day the Red Sox finally caught the cratering Yankees, victims of a 7-game losing streak. So instead of having one game on the schedule yesterday, the Tornados suddenly had 4! A Quadruple-Header! And 37 plate appearances are nowhere near enough to cope with 4 games all at once.  So the Red Sox — Tornado management’s favorite team — stabbed the Tornados in the back.  Not to worry, though — Boston has already lost today, so maybe the Yankees will retake the lead and the Tornados will shed all those replacement ABs (at least 36 of them) and IPs (at least 15) caused by the extra three games.

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Kaline: W, 6 – 3.  (.296, .328, 481; 7 ip, 4 er). Just a normal, placid, beautiful day for the Wizard and his Drives. Pitching wasn’t outstanding, but it was acceptable this one time. Hitting was solid — spectacular in the case of Ben Gamel (3 for 5 with a double and a homer).  The Drive gained a solid half -game, the kind of thing that could put them in first place about July 4 if it kept up.  No evidence of non-existent zombies in Kaline.

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Peshastin: L, 6 – 8.  (.311, .415, .467; 1 ip, 0 er).  Kind of like the Drive, but without enough pitching. A loss, but not alarming: the Pears even gained a tenth of a game despite losing. And the loss wasn’t as bad as it looks: really, it was 6.4 – 7.6, but I round off to the nearest run for aesthetic reasons.

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Canberra:  W, 10 – 7.  (.300, .432, .633; 4 ip., 2 er).  So far we have been working our way through the prosperous, civilized regions of the EFL, where yards are tidy and fences repaired, and house are close together.  Even Peshastin, which has been slipping into genteel poverty, is well above .500, only 8.2 games out, within 2.1-game’s shouting distance of 6th place.

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But once we leave Peshastin we enter the wilds.  We travel 2, 4, even 6 games deeper into the EFL jungle, finding no signs of  sentient life. We are in search of the elusive Kangaroos, last seen headed away from civilization at a steady pace, seemingly determined to leave all that behind.

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Six point eight games out into the jungle, 15 games from first place, we are suddenly nearly trampled by Jose Abreu (4 for 5 with a homer, two doubles, and a walk) leading a herd of fellow Kangaroos, fleeing with terror in their eyes back toward the rest of the league. “What’s the matter?” we call to them. “What are you running away from?”

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“Wolverines!”  one of them cries out.

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“That’s impossible,” we respond, trying to reassure them. “Everyone knows they’re dead.”  But the Kangaroos have all rushed past, with an offensive performance not seen from them in many a day.  Puzzled how this was possible — what could inspire such offensive prowess from a team that had gone slack for weeks — we forge on.

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Old Detroit:  W 2, L 2; 22 – 19.  (.333, .355, .600; 13 ip, 8 er).  Soon we discover a clearing in the jungle.  Here is an offense purring along for the month at a .795 OPS, paired with a 4.10 ERA.  A plantation where an unexpected quadruple-header is absorbed with aplomb.

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Isn’t this remarkable for a region 16 games from first place and seven game under .500?  “Hellooo!”  we call out. “Is there anyone in charge here?”

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After a moment out stride someones we think we recognized… It is Manny Machado! 4 for 4 with a double and two homers! Right behind him comes Matt Moore — he of the 11+ June ERA last we looked — sporting 7 ip with only 3 earned runs. “Aren’t you guys supposed to be dead?” we ask.

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They smile.  Are they creepy, undead smiles? Or just the sheepish smiles of those who slept t0o long and are now awake from their naps?

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Hmmm.  Say, isn’t that Francisco Liriano over there, surrendering 5  er in 4.7 ip?  He sure looks dead.

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DC:  L, 2 – 5.  (.258, .361, .290; 12.3 ip, 8 er).   Addison Russell had a fine day: 2 for 4 with an RBI for an OPS of 1.000.  But that won’t make Balk fans forget Corey Seager. On the other hand, it probably won’t attract the attention of ravenous zombies, either, even if such things existed.

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