League Updates

Sobblemetric Reflections on the Latest Lament

The Head Cheese published today the seventh in his distinguished series of annual laments. We here at the EFL Center for the Study of Base Ball Lamentations (SOBBL) offer some of the results of our sobblemetric analysis of one of the most innovative of all Cheesy laments.

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EFL Standings for 2017
EFL
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB RS RA
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 84 39 .680 702.4 478.8
Haviland Dragons 79 45 .640 4.8 739.6 553.7
Flint Hill Tornadoes 79 45 .639 5 645.6 484.1
Cottage Cheese 78 45 .632 6 664.6 502.8
Portland Rosebuds 72 51 .589 11.2 702.3 574.7
Kaline Drive 71 53 .569 13.6 618.5 535.7
Peshastin Pears 67 56 .547 16.4 602.0 555.0
Old Detroit Wolverines 66 58 .530 18.4 620.4 569.1
Canberra Kangaroos 59 63 .480 24.6 585.1 609.9
D.C. Balk 47 75 .382 36.6 600.3 766.7
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Pittsburgh: W, 3 – 3.  (.217, .240, .348; no pitching).  All the previous Cheese Laments have come in August, and articulated Cheesy despair at not being in the pennant race. So astute Allegheny fans have probably been watching for the appearance of the 7th Lament with special diligence this year, since Cottage has been IN the pennant race (and actually led it for quite a while). The Head Cheese made them wait:  this is the latest the Lament has ever appeared.
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Haviland: L, 0 – 1. (.200, .385, .300; 1 ip, 1 er). The Lament refers to a mysterious other team “still in the game” that approached the Cheese to inquire about trading for a pennant-race rental.  Immediately readers speculated who that might be.  Just a bit ago our researchers intercepted a message on its way from Haviland to Cottage (“So I guess that’s a ‘NO’ “), prompting speculation that the Dragons were the ones inquiring. It has all the signs of Dragon boldness: Ask a a team a game behind to trade away one of its stars both slingshots the Dragons closer to the A’s, and eliminates one of their rivals. How are we supposed to compete with that kind of devious  genius?
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Flint Hill: L, 4 – 6. (.167, .278, .433; 2.7 ip, 0 er). Some sobblemetricians suspect the Tornados to be the team trying to woo the Cheese into a trade. These analysts suspect the Tornados would relish beating the Dragons almost as much as beating  the entire league. A Harper here or a Hicks  there might be enough to boost the T’s past the D’s in the final month of the season.  The Tornados do need something to boost their wind speed:  yesterday they were dead calm except for a little dust kicked up by Byron Buxton (3 for 8 with a double and a homer).
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Cottage: DNP, 0 – 0. (.222, .300, .500; no pitching). But now we come to the most stunning part of this year’s Lament:  just as it seems to be falling into its typical fatalism about the current season, the tone changes.  The Lament becomes a rallying cry.  A Bird (presumably Greg) is coming back despite his ankle woes! He’s practically wearing bloody socks. “The Cheese still have a month to go!”  This will turn the tide! Cottage will end up in first place!  It’s glorious, stirring… and sad. On this very day, the Cheese’s tepid play (sans Bird) has dropped the team 6 games behind. How can one Bird hope to turn this around?
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Portland: L, 2 – 5. (.115, .303, .269; no pitching). While all the Laments so far have focussed on the condition of the Cheese, they have always had broader appeal, especially to the dispossessed EFLers who’ve never won a championship. Might the new tone of dogged hope infect other teams? Sobblemetricians will be watching the Rosebuds closely for the remaining days of August to see if a team ten — I mean, eleven games out will find hope renewed by the  fromagian fire.
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Kaline: W 1, L (-1); 2- (-3). (.387, .441, .452; 3.3 ip, 0 er). The Drive played with more energy than any team ahead of them. Despite being 13 games back, might they be stirred to new hope by the Cheese non-lament? But hard on the Lament’s heels comes a news release: the Cheese trade Wil Myers to the Drive for Yoenis Cespedes, a patent rental. So the Drive have thrown in the towel, and have taken advantage of the Cheese’s impulsive change of heart to stoke Kaline’s future. And the Cheese are no longer relying  solely on a mere Bird, no matter how Big, to carry them back into the race!
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Peshastin: L, 2 – 6. (.053, .217, .053; no pitching). Here is a truly despondent team. It was an “off day”, sure, but the Pears still attempted 19 at bats — and managed one sad single. Like all the teams we’ve discussed, the Pears were once in the pennant race.  They even traded for an ace pitcher for the pennant race. Now 16 games out, the wilted team droops through its games.
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Old Detroit: W, 7 – 7. (.500, .667, .500; 11.3 ip, 7 er).  (All that hitting was just Josh Bell.) The Wolverines are among the most interested sobblemetric observers of  Cheese behavior. They have supplied pennant race rentals, either directly or indirectly to four of the seven teams ahead of them. If the Cheese’ new energy persists, or spreads to more teams, might the W’s supply more talent to hungry competitors?
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Canberra: W 1, L (-1);  (-1) – (-4). (.214, .267, .464; 5.3 ip, 0 er).  Kangaroo fans have generally had good reason to empathize with Cheesy laments. I don’t know that they would be moved by the defiant tone ending  the Seventh Lament. This would be an interesting topic for sobblemetric research: how do laments affect teams in even lower estate than the Lamenters? Or are they more likely to take comfort in their teams’ small victories (like Taijuan Walker’s 5.3 scoreless innings)?
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DC: DNP, (-2)- 1. (.136, .208, .409; 19 ip, 12 er).  No one else so far has taken up the Lament as an art form.  Might the Balk be candidates? Their owner is, after all, a man of letters. Wouldn’t you like to hear from the Main Balk how he feels about his team, which started August 6 – 0 but now seems to have slipped back into bad old patterns?  It could be in some other form than a Lament.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017
AL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Flint Hill Tornadoes 79 45 .639
Boston Red Sox 71 53 .573 8.2
New York Yankees 66 57 .537 12.7
Old Detroit Wolverines 66 58 .530 13.4
Baltimore Orioles 61 64 .488 18.7
Tampa Bay Rays 61 65 .484 19.2
Toronto Blue Jays 59 65 .476 20.2
NL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Washington Nationals 74 48 .607
Miami Marlins 60 62 .492 14
Canberra Kangaroos 59 63 .480 15.5
Atlanta Braves 55 68 .447 19.5
New York Mets 54 69 .439 20.5
D.C. Balk 47 75 .382 27.4
Philadelphia Phillies 45 77 .369 29
AL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 84 39 .680
Cleveland Indians 69 54 .561 14.7
Minnesota Twins 64 60 .516 20.2
Kansas City Royals 62 61 .504 21.7
Detroit Tigers 54 69 .439 29.7
Chicago White Sox 48 75 .390 35.7
NL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Cottage Cheese 78 45 .632
Chicago Cubs 66 57 .537 11.7
Milwaukee Brewers 65 61 .516 14.2
St. Louis Cardinals 63 61 .508 15.2
Pittsburgh Pirates 60 65 .480 18.7
Cincinnati Reds 53 72 .424 25.7
AL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Haviland Dragons 79 45 .640
Houston Astros 76 48 .613 3.3
Kaline Drive 71 53 .569 8.8
Los Angeles Angels 64 61 .512 15.8
Seattle Mariners 64 62 .508 16.3
Texas Rangers 62 62 .500 17.3
Oakland A’s 54 71 .432 25.8
NL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Los Angeles Dodgers 88 35 .715
Portland Rosebuds 72 51 .589 15.6
Colorado Rockies 68 56 .548 20.5
Peshastin Pears 67 56 .547 20.7
Arizona Diamondbacks 68 57 .544 21
San Diego Padres 55 69 .444 33.5
San Francisco Giants 51 76 .402 39

 

 

1 Comment

  • Great write-up today. Any piece that includes the phrase “fromagian fire” is truly must-read.