Players Weekend is upon us. Every player gets to wear a jersey with his nickname on it. Some of the names are very familiar: Felix Hernandez is “King Felix”, James Paxton is “Big Maple. Others are not as familiar but perfectly fitting: Kyle Seager is “Corey’s Brother”, Kyle Schwarber is “Schwarbs”, and Aaron Judge is “All Rise.”.Some make you wonder if some of the players haven’t really mastered the nickname concept: Mike Zunin0 is wearing “Zunino” , Ender Inciarte is “Ender”, Mookie Betts is “Mookie,” and Buster Posey is “Buster.”
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A few are inexplicable. Why is Hunter Pence “Wawindaji”? Why is Giancarlo Stanton “Cruz” rather than, say, “Mike”? Now the real Cruz (Nelson) has to go as “Boomstick.” Why are Sam Dyson and Dan Straily both “Rojo”? How did Sonny Gray steal “Pickles” from me?
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Maybe the Captain Kangaroo can explain this one: Why is Michael Conforto “Scooter” while Scooter Gennett is “Ryan”?
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This one might be my favorite: Josh Phegley will wear “PTBNL.”
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So how should the EFL observe Players’ Weekend? Do we assume nicknames? Let me see what I can come up with. If you have other ideas — of which there will be an infinite supply, as always — chip in with a comment or two.
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EFL Standings for 2017
TEAM
WINS
LOSSES
PCT.
GB
RS
RA
Pittsburgh Alleghenys
87
41
.677
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723.4
497.5
Haviland Dragons
84
45
.652
3
771.0
562.7
Flint Hill Tornadoes
83
46
.645
3.9
668.6
494.7
Cottage Cheese
82
46
.637
5.1
690.5
516.4
Portland Rosebuds
75
53
.588
11.3
732.5
601.1
Kaline Drive
72
57
.558
15.1
643.5
572.0
Peshastin Pears
71
57
.554
15.7
631.5
573.3
Old Detroit Wolverines
70
59
.539
17.6
651.1
587.0
Canberra Kangaroos
61
66
.482
24.9
603.9
628.7
D.C. Balk
50
77
.394
36.1
631.3
787.7
(Stats are from games Friday and Saturday).
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Pittsburgh: W 1, L 1; 8 – 9. (.226, .314, .435; 24 ip, 12 er) . I have struggled for 13 years to come up with a good nickname for the Allegheny owner. For a while during the most recent of the Allegheny periods of domination I called him the Putin of Pittsburgh. It alliterates and nicely connotes Allegheny ruthlessness toward hapless neighbors (of which I am the closest when we are at work). But I decided after a while it went too far for a friendly league. So what other moniker would capture Allegheny ruthlessness more charitably? Could it also connote integrity, creativity (finding many ways to win, including once drafting no one in the rookie draft), deep knowledge of baseball, shrewdness, graciousness, intelligence, and a certain gruffness? And, maybe piety, too? And a whiff of Pittsburgh to boot?
How about “Branch”? There’s even a certain physical resemblance. And if you ever want to bring him down a notch, you could always call him “Twig.”
Haviland: W 1, L 1; 7 – 7. (.203, .284, .380; 10.7 ip, 0 er — of which 7.7 ip, 0 er were by Kevin Gausman, pitching in AAA.) I focus on Smaug as the best-developed Dragon in all of literature, as far as I know. (No, I never took a lit class in college, but I am married to an English professor.) We could draw from How to Tame a Dragon , but “Toothless” is a little premature for the Chiefest. Or how about “Puff”?
Or we could go with the Chiefest’s own self-description, after he saw Gausman’s output yesterday: “Idiot.” But that seems both overly harsh and insufficiently distinctive. We’ve all been Idiots.
Flint Hill: W 1, L 1; 6 – 5. (.244, .306, .397; 12 ip, 1 er) Cottage: W 2, L 0; 12 – 10. (.267, .316, .430; 24 ip, 10 er). Portland: W 1, L 1; 10 – 10. (.273, .326, .432; 5.7 ip 4 er). could just call him “Bud.” It’s better than “Rosie”, which is already taken by Adam Rosales. Kaline: W 1, L 1; 8 – 8. (.192, .289, .397; 14 ip, 5 er) Peshastin: W 1, L 1; 3 – 6. (.197, .250, .367; 6 ip, 0 er) Old Detroit. W 2, L 0; 10 – 8. (.254, .302, .458; 15 ip, 8 er). Canberra: W 2, L 1; 15 – 6. (.236, .300, .431; 29.3 ip, 7 er.) DC: W 2, L 1; 17 – 12. (.328, .386, .484; 30.3 ip, 12 er)
Pittsburgh So what other moniker would capture Allegheny ruthlessness more charitably? Could it also connote integrity, creativity (finding many ways to win, including once drafting no one in the rookie draft), deep knowledge of baseball, shrewdness, graciousness, intelligence, and a certain gruffness? And, maybe piety, too? And a whiff of Pittsburgh to boot?
How about “Branch”? There’s even a certain physical resemblance. And if you ever want to bring him down a notch, you could always call him “Twig.”
Haviland: I have occasionally called the Haviland owner “Chiefest of Calamities”, without explanation. This is the best of the honorifics Bilbo bestows on Smaug whilst flattering him to buy time to make an escape. Any Dragon would find the title appealing, (Actually Bilbo’s version was “Chiefest and Greatest of Calamities” but I eschew needless redundance.) Bilbo had other worthy inspirations — “the Tremendous”, “the Mighty”, “the Unassessably Wealthy”, “the Impenetrable”, “Dazzlingly Marvelous”, “Perfect”, “Flawless”, “Staggering”, and “Your Magnificence.” Yes, they all fit, and might come in handy if you are trying to smooth talk him out of one of the treasures he sleeps upon, but they all could apply to so many things. I have heard of no one other than a mighty (nearly) invincible dragon being called “Chiefest of Calamities.” And I understand his closest friends call him “Calamity John.”
I focus on Smaug as the best-developed Dragon in all of literature, as far as I know. (No, I never took a lit class in college, but I am married to an English professor.) We could draw from How to Tame a Dragon , but “Toothless” is a little premature for the Chiefest. Or how about “Puff”?
Flint Hill: What nickname to give the head of the Tornados? We might also find inspiration in words relating to cyclonic winds, like “Hurricane”, “Typhoon”, “Twister”, “Whirlwind”, “Dust Devil” — or “Cyclone” itself (with its second-order nickname, “Cy”). (“Typhoon” could likewise become “Ty”.) “Storm” would (like “Ty” and “Cy”) have nice baseball connotations. If he talked a little more we could just call him “Windy.” It just now occurs to me that “Thunderhead” would be meteorologically correct for the top level of a Tornado, and it would reflect something of the man’s actual cranium.
Cottage: “Head Cheese” is so obvious, and has a nicely appropriate double meaning connoting smarts.
Portland: What about some of the more evocative names for red rose varieties? “American Beauty”? “Mr. Lincoln”? “Blaze”? “Black Magic”? “Checkmate”? “Deep Secret”? “Chrysler Imperial”?
Kaline: I cannot remember how Kaline’s management came to be called the Wizard. Was it because we were off to see him on one of our summer road trips? Was it because he put one of us under a spell and got us to give him our best player? Was it because we couldn’t think of anything else that alliterated with Whidbey? Now that he has moved into Coupeville, maybe we could revive the earlier Curmudgeon moniker — except he’s pretty much the opposite of a curmudgeon.
Peshastin: Pears do not inspire many nicknames. In all the years I’ve known him, I can’t remember any nicknames associated the Pears’ owner, either, unless you count Meyer Louie calling him “Smil Phith.” That didn’t stick; I suspect it was flawed. Hmmmm. When Phil gets down on his team he gets real down. Would “Puddleglum” work? It does alliterate with Peshastin and Pears… And Puddleglum had many applicable admirable qualities: steadfast faith, perceptiveness, persistence, courage… On the other hand when he gets high on his team he gets very high. Puddleglum’s repertoire was more limited. We could call him “Shock and Awe” for his bidding habits.
Old Detroit. I don’t know if a person can nickname himself. My youngest boys have called me “Cheapie McTaco”, a label I wear proudly, but probably doesn’t apply all that well to the EFL.
Canberra: “Captain Kangaroo” is obvious to those of us of a certain age, but younger EFLers may not relate. Perhaps we should look for something else. He was “the Voice of the Suns” once. He’s been Ry-Ry. His nephews call him .
DC: Hmm. Balks are hard. Librarians are hard. After only 1.8 seasons in the league the Balk are hardly “Overdue.” Could we play off his role as Assessment Monitor?
