All is Right* in the EFL

EFL
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB	RS	RA
Old Detroit Wolverines	1	0	.740	—	4.4	2.6
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	1	0	.736	—	8.0	4.8
Canberra Kangaroos	1	0	.684	0.1	7.3	5.0
Kaline Drive	1	0	.590	0.2	1.3	1.1
Flint Hill Tornadoes	0	1	.424	0.3	6.3	7.4
Portland Rosebuds	0	1	.384	0.4	5.7	7.3
Peshastin Pears	0	1	.283	0.5	3.9	6.2
Cottage Cheese	0	1	.222	0.5	4.3	8.2
Bellingham Cascades	0	1	.110	0.6	1.8	5.2
D.C. Balk	0	1	.066	0.7	2.1	7.9
Haviland Dragons	0	1	.054	0.7	1.9	8.0
Brookland Outs	0	1	.015	0.7	0.6	5.2

Normally I would remind everyone that results this early in the month are kind of meaningless since our sample sizes are so tiny, our pitching rotations haven’t rotated, etc., etc.   But feast your eyes atop the standings.  Isn’t that beautiful?  Wouldn’t it be grand if that was the final standings, 1 through 4, only 0.3 games apart, in that specific order?  It would be the sign of the greatest EFL season ever.

Alas. Even perfect babies acquire warts and scars as they age.  And, of course, no one wants the Outs to finish with a 0.015 winning percentage. And the Balk — this is the asterisk in the title — the Balk have had no pitching yet in 2019 so their winning percentage should be 0.000 at this point.  Except the database can’t process the standings for a team with no pitching, so I had to make up 0.3 ip, 0 er for Carlos Carrasco just so the Balk couldn’t hold the entire league hostage.  I hereby stake my reputation on the following prediction: The Balk will have at least some pitching before the month is over.  (The month of April, I mean, not ready to stake my reputation on Balks pitching in March.) And they — this is a little dicier, but let’s be brave here — they will not have a 0.000 winning percentage when the month is over.

Let’s see if there are any highlights for some of these teams:

Old Detroit: W, 4 – 3. (41 PA, .220, .283 .390; 14.3 ip, 3 er, 1.88 ERA).  The Wolverines repeatedly over the last several weeks tried to trade Eric Lauer away for fringey outfielders. Those efforts failed. Lauer pitched 6 scoreless innings.  OD toyed with trading Madison Bumgarner for another OF probably past his prime.  MadBum struck out 9 in 7 strong innings (2 er). Meanwhile, that weak batting line included every batter reaching safely at least once — except OF Lewis Brinson who, of course, went 0 for 4… but is only allocated at 34% since Eloy Jimenez miraculously started on Opening Day. Perhaps you are encouraged that this instant success stems from Wolverine management being even more incompetent at tactics (trade negotiation) than they are at strategy (trying to trade pitchers for unneeded OF help)? But maybe you should lie awake at night pondering the implications of divine blessing intervening so dramatically to rescue the W’s from their bumbling front office. The W’s, so bitterly beaten in last season’s “pennant race”, are shockingly in first place!

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Pittsburgh: W, 8 – 5. (48 PA, .271, .340, .604; 3 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA).  Lou Trevino turned in those three scoreless innings, having had the advantage of two games in Japan last week to get a head start on most pitchers.  Jose Altuve hit a homer and a double yesterday, and Stephen Piscotty matched that output in his three games so far this season, to lead the A’s into a near tie for first place. No, there’s no recounting in the EFL — that 0.004 percentage point difference might as well be a hundred times bigger… unless you want to challenge the integrity and proficiency of our amazing Vice Commissioner for IT?  I don’t think it’s wise to offend someone who buys bytes by the billion.

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Canberra: W, 7 – 5. (41 PA, .317, .378, .732; 15.3 ip, 7 er, 4.11 ERA).  The Kangaroos demonstrated it is possible to have dominant offense in the modern game, clouting 5 homers already.  That puts them on pace for 810 homers on the season, led by Tim Beckham who apparently plans to clout 486 of them all by himself, amid his 1134 base hits. It’s possible his 2.060 OPS will decay somewhat over the season, I suppose. The only thing keeping the Kangaroos from occupying the top spot was Blake Snell pitching precisely like a replacement player: a 7.50 ERA comprising 6 ip and 5 er. Keep it up, Blake!

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Kaline: W, 1 – 1. (37 PA, .108, .175, .243; 9.7 ip, 1 er, 0.93 ERA).  With a woeful offense featuring only 4 hits (albeit 2 doubles and a Kris Bryant homer), Marcus Stroman saved the day by going  7 innings with 7 strikeouts and only 2 hits                                                                       to lead a dominant pitching performance. This gives hope to all EFL owners, after Stroman was the Drive’s first pick in the 2015 rookie draft, only to break something in his arm before he could even pitch that season. Shane Greene pitched a brilliant ninth inning, saving the win for both the Drive and their beloved Tigers.  (And the Marines won, too — a GREAT day for the Wizard of Whidbey Island).

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Flint Hill: L, 6 – 7. (42 PA, .310, .341, .810; 12 ip, 9 er, 6.75 ERA). Tornado hitters blasted 5 homers (without any extra games to pad their stats, Tim Beckham-style), including 2 by Javier Baez and a pinch-hit three-run bomb by Derek Dietrich.  Adelberto Mondesi added two triples, but it wasn’t enough to overcome poor outings by Miles Mikolas (5 ip, 5 er) and Trevor Cahill (6 ip, 4 er).  How discouraging it must be to have a team with a 1.150 OPS on Opening Day come away with a loss — especially when the hitters are credited with 10 RBI and 8 runs scored, but the team only pushes 6 runs across the plate.

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Portland: L, 6 – 7. (34 PA, .324, .361, .529; 12.7 op, 10 er, 7.11 ERA).  Chris Sale sailed into Seattle seeking a simple win. But he met the Mariners, masters of maritime mayhem. So Sale slumped, surrendering seven runs in a scant three innings.  Jose Berrios sought to save the situation, surrendering no runs in 7.7 innings, striking out 10. Mookie Betts warmed Rosebud hearts with 3 singles in 5 trips, and Harrison Bader and Christin Stewart each clouted homers in a valiant but fruitless effort to help our defending EFL champions avoid first-day humiliation.

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Peshastin: L,  4 – 6. (54 PA .259, .369, .444; 7 ip, 4 er, 5.14 ERA). The Pears had a pair of players with 3 games’ worth of stats thanks to opening in Japan last week. The team’s loss cannot be blamed on those early risers:  Mitch Hanger went 4 for 12 with 2 doubles and a homer, a walk, and 2 hbps, while Marcus Semien went 5 or 11 with  homer and two walks. The rest of the team manage only 5 hits in 31 PA, and James Taillon failed to shine from the mound (6 ip, 4 er).

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Cottage: L, 4 – 8. (29 PA, .207, .361, .345; 0.3 ip, 0 er).  The Cheese only got a token appearance from their pitching staff, so their fortunes should improve once some pitchers show up for work.  The hitters could also do better — six of them went 0 for the day. The brightest spot was probably the return of Corey Seager to action after TJ surgery.  Seager went 1 for three with a homer and a walk.

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Bellingham: L, 2 – 5. (29 PA, .138, .265, .172;  10.7 ip,, 5 er, 4.22 ERA).  Careful not to show up the Cheese, the Cascades showed commendable respect for the team that unofficially sponsored their admission to the EFL.  They even matched the number of plate appearances on Opening Day.  But I hope Cascade management realizes it is not necessary to defer to anyone in the league, whether or not you have family connections. I mean, sure, the Kangaroos have been super careful not to beat the Wolverines for all these years, but the Johnson boys long ago gave up kowtowing to their elders. So feel free to unleash Bryce Harper (0 for 3) and Justin Turner (0 for 5), and encourage the auspiciously-named Ronald Acuna to keep doing what he started yesterday (1 for 2 with 2 walks and a SB).  Get those guys humming and you can (gently) leave the Cheese in the dust.

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DC: L, 2 – 8.  (44 PA, .205, .280, .386; 0 pitching). Apart from the trouble they will cause their franchise if they continue to coddle their pitchers and give them extra days off like this, the Balk have to find some way to work JT Riddle into their lineup more often.  Riddle matched the Tornados’ Derek Dietrich with a pinch-hit homer for a 5.000 OPS.  Riddle is allocated at 100%.  So’s Matt Chapman (.3 for 12 with a homer, a double and 3 walks).  If the Balk can’t figure out how to increase their allocations, they should go out and find people like them. Alen Hanson, for example, has as many arms and legs as either of those guys, and can play their positions.

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Haviland:  L, 2 – 8. (39 PA, .128, .171, .282; 0.3 IP, 0 er, 0 ERA). Not much in the way of bright spots here… well, possibly except for ex- Wolverine infielder extraordinaire (EWIE) Kolten Wong, who somehow hit two homers in three plate appearances for a 3.333 daily OPS, by far the BEST day of his entire life, which just so happened to come on the very FIRST regular season appearance of his life AFTER he left the W’s. Where was this last September when Old Detroit was eating the Rosebuds’ dust? The rest of the Dragon lineup went 3 for 36 with a batting line of .083, .132, .083.

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Brookland:  L, 1 – 5. (34 PA, .147, .147, .324; 5.3 ip, 2 er, 3.37 ERA).  I know it’s rough starting the season in last place, but take heart, O Outs! First, the Balk are really behind you once you remove that phony 1/3 of an inning I gave them just to make the database work.  Second, the Dragons are also behind you except for Kolten Wong, who can’t keep on doing what he did on Opening Day.  Trust me, I know Kolten Wong. Maybe Adam Jones can’t keep hitting homers like he did yesterday, but Cody Bellinger sure can. And I doubt Manny Machado will go 0 for the season with 324 strikeouts, even though it looks that way right now.

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Finally, for the benefit of the Mariners fans in our group, here are the full MLB/EFL standings. Feast your eyes while you still can, M’s fans!