Jules Verne made up a bunch of bunkum under that title and made a bunch of bank. I’m describing reality, so how much will I make?
EFL Standings for 2019
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 28 | 13 | .676 | — | 239.0 | 168.0 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 28 | 17 | .624 | 1.6 | 272.4 | 209.5 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 24 | 18 | .566 | 4.5 | 244.8 | 217.9 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 21 | 21 | .506 | 6.9 | 198.2 | 195.3 |
| Peshastin Pears | 22 | 23 | .499 | 7.2 | 219.5 | 220.0 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 20 | 21 | .488 | 7.7 | 219.3 | 222.6 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 20 | 22 | .470 | 8.5 | 210.4 | 228.2 |
| Kaline Drive | 20 | 24 | .454 | 9.2 | 162.5 | 181.4 |
| Haviland Dragons | 19 | 25 | .441 | 9.8 | 195.6 | 220.9 |
| Cottage Cheese | 17 | 23 | .435 | 9.8 | 199.1 | 226.9 |
| Brookland Outs | 15 | 25 | .380 | 12 | 182.4 | 234.6 |
| D.C. Balk | 15 | 27 | .348 | 13.6 | 173.5 | 237.3 |
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The EFL standings depict a cross section of the Planet Earth, in three layers: Atop our diagram we find the crust, starting with the topsoil, otherwise known as dirt. It’s solid, firm, and pretty much stays right where it’s at:
Flint Hill: W, 4 – 2. (44 PA, .216, .341, .611 6 ip, 6 er , 9.00 ERA). Trevor Cahill should have buried the Tornados with his 4.3 ip, 6 er performance. But he didn’t, because he wasn’t pitching in lofty Flint Hill. He has been sent down to Coronado Height. Or Rock City. I forget which one is the AAA team.
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Portland: W, 8 – 6. (44 PA, .341, .386, .537; 6.3 ip, 5 er, 7.11 era). Anthony Rendon went 3 for 4 with two doubles. Eduardo Escobar went 2 for 4 with a double, homer, and walk. They led the way as the Rosebud offense climbed out of the hole dug by German Marquez’s 5 er in 6 ip. He should have been at AAA, too.
Canberra: L, 3 – 6. (24 PA, .208, .208, .417; 1.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). Those of you with an eye for numbers — the numerati — will discern immediately that the Kangaroos got 5 hits and 5 extra bases. That could be 5 doubles, or a homer and a triple, or two triples and a double, or a homer and two doubles, or 3 doubles and a triple… and I think that’s about it. Alfaro got the two doubles and Bregman the homer.
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There is a transition zone between the crust and the molten mantle. In an amazing coincidence (or omen), it’s actually called the alleghenysphere… No I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s the asthenosphere:
Pittsburgh: L, 5 – 6. (30 PA, .333, .387, .630; 5 ip, 3 er, 5.40 ERA.) Brian Goodwin went 4 for 4 with two doubles to lead the Allegheny offense. Even though he was supported with homers from Byron Buxton and JD Martinez, it wasn’t enough for a win. The Alleghenys are feeling the heat, that convection pulling them down into the magma…
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Directly under the alleghenysphere we find the deep lower mantle. It’s very dark and very hot down here. Imagine powerful forces churning and churning as you ride suddenly, and then get pulled inexorably back down toward the very core of the Earth.
Peshastin: W 2, L (-1); 21 – 3. (52 PA, .319, .385, .553; 7 ip, 0 er , 0.00 ERA). The Pears leapt three places in the standings, gaining 2 full games on the Tornados. They combined three or four brilliants strategies that SOME OTHER TEAMS COULD TRY SOMETIME (nudge, nudge):
1. Pitch 7 shutout innings
2. Hit very well
3. Hit a LOT — almost two entire games’ worth.
(4. MAYBE erase a bunch of replacement hits.)
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Old Detroit: L, 2 – 4. (30 PA, .143, .193, .321; 1.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA)… but NOOO, those OTHER teams have to hit like noodles (albeit for about half the plate appearances). And they apparently think you only need five outs to finish the game.
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Bellingham: W 2, L (-1); 11 – 1. (32 PA, .357, .438, .643; 6.7 ip, 1 er, 1.35 ERA). I mean, it’s only Earth science. Even newbies like Bellingham know how to hit well and pitch well at the same time. The Cascades didn’t jump three places, but at least they didn’t fall any places, either.
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Kaline: L, 1 – 6. (31 PA, .111, .226, .111; 6.3 ip, 4 er, 5.68 ERA). Kaline has been the inspiration for this volcanism motif. The Drive shot up into the crust and appeared to lodge there late in April. But then they sagged a little too far, got dragged back down, and have been gradually sinking in the mantle’s convection. Yesterday Jake Arrieta’s 4 er, 6 ip performance weighed them down, and there wasn’t enough offense to give them countervailing lift.
Haviland: W, 5 – (-2) (27 PA,.259, .333, .375; 12.3 ip, 3 er, 2.19 ERA). The Dragons have wafted all the way to fifth place, and sunk back to 10th all in the month of May. This time strong updrafts generated by Domingo German’s 7 ip, 1 er and Gary Sanchez’ 2 for 3 with a homer a and walk gave Haviland a win, and lifted them up a notch to 9th place.
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Cottage: L, 4 – 5. (36 PA, .265, .306, .382; 1.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 era) Along with the Kangaroos and Wolverines, the Cheese learned that 1.7 ip, no matter how good it is, won’t keep a team from sinking in standings. In the Cheese’ case, it was enough to send them to the very bottom of the molten mantle.
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Down at the very heart of the Earth we find the Core, in two layers.
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Brookland: L, 3 – 5. (42 PA, .200, .333, .314; 1 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). It’s hard to see what’s happening down there in the super-hot molten outer core. It looks like Adam Jones went 2 for 4 with a homer and a walk. Not much else is detectable.
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DC: “W”, 4 – 5. (27 PA, .280, .321, .480; 2 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA) Addison Russell seems to be back in play: 2 for 4 with a homer to lead the solid-core Balk.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2019
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 28 | 13 | .676 | — |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 26 | 15 | .634 | 1.7 |
| New York Yankees | 26 | 16 | .619 | 2.2 |
| Boston Red Sox | 23 | 20 | .535 | 5.7 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 20 | 21 | .488 | 7.7 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 17 | 25 | .405 | 11.2 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 14 | 28 | .333 | 14.2 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 24 | 18 | .571 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 24 | 18 | .566 | 0.2 |
| Atlanta Braves | 22 | 21 | .512 | 2.5 |
| New York Mets | 20 | 21 | .488 | 3.5 |
| Washington Nationals | 17 | 25 | .405 | 7 |
| D.C. Balk | 15 | 27 | .348 | 9.4 |
| Miami Marlins | 10 | 31 | .244 | 13.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Minnesota Twins | 27 | 15 | .643 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 22 | 19 | .537 | 4.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 21 | 21 | .506 | 5.7 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 20 | 22 | .470 | 7.2 |
| Chicago White Sox | 19 | 22 | .463 | 7.5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 18 | 23 | .439 | 8.5 |
| Kansas City Royals | 15 | 28 | .349 | 12.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 25 | 15 | .625 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 26 | 19 | .578 | 1.5 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 23 | 20 | .535 | 3.5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 21 | 19 | .525 | 4 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 19 | 24 | .442 | 7.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 17 | 23 | .435 | 7.6 |
| Brookland Outs | 15 | 25 | .380 | 9.8 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 29 | 15 | .659 | — |
| Seattle Mariners | 22 | 23 | .489 | 7.5 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 20 | 23 | .465 | 8.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 20 | 24 | .454 | 9 |
| Texas Rangers | 18 | 22 | .450 | 9 |
| Haviland Dragons | 19 | 25 | .441 | 9.6 |
| Oakland A’s | 19 | 25 | .432 | 10 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 29 | 16 | .644 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 28 | 17 | .624 | 0.9 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 24 | 20 | .545 | 4.5 |
| San Diego Padres | 22 | 21 | .512 | 6 |
| Peshastin Pears | 22 | 23 | .499 | 6.5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 20 | 22 | .476 | 7.5 |
| San Francisco Giants | 18 | 24 | .429 | 9.5 |
Our AAA affiliate is affectionately known as the Sand Dunes. Now you know. Also, Flint is not crusty, so you might need to take that back.