I have been working hard to catch up on my reading. Given that yesterday was Sunday, some of you may be scandalized by my working so hard on a Sabbath. But relax. It wasn’t work work. It was fun work.
I was reading Joe Posnanski’s series on each MLB team — presumably a prelude to his series on each EFL team.
I fear Joe may trot out his usual excuse when it comes to writing about the EFL: “But I don’t know anything about the teams.” Which is so lame! A few hours on our website would fix that. But Joe cooked his own goose with this comment on the Philadelphia Phillies:
“OK, let’s be blunt about this one: “Phillies” is a terrible nickname. The Philadelphia Phillies is just a shortened version of the Philadelphia Philadelphians which is, as my 19-year-old daughter likes to say about pretty much everything, “stupid.” Imagine the Cincinnati Cincies or the Washington Washies or the Cleveland Clevies (still available!).”
He is so busted. This is the kind of paragraph he learned to write in high school when he hadn’t read the book he was assigned to review. He didn’t need to know ANYTHING about any MLB team to come up with this.
On the other hand, it worked. It got me to thinking. What if we had named our teams this way?
The Old Detroit Wolverines would be the Old Detroit Oldies.
I have to admit it fits better every season. So… since we might wait forever for Joe Posnanski to lift a finger to write about EFL team names, I guess I’ll go ahead and do it for him.
- Bellingham Bellies. Well, this off to an awkward start. Marcell Ozuna is listed at 6’1″ and 225 pounds, so he probably does have a midriff bulge. Rowdy Tellez is listed at 255 pounds, and might weigh more, but I’ll let you tell him that. And there are three or four others who weigh in at 225 pounds or more. But to tag the entire team, including some really slender guys, with the name “Bellies“? Maybe a skillful manager could turn it into a motivator, but it seems to me to be more likely to backfire.
- Canberra Cannies. Exactly. They needed pitching and got three great ones in the Rookie Draft. Also, I think they bamboozled me into leaving my Settlers game in Colorado. In fact, they are so canny it’s downright uncanny they don’t have the family record for EFL championships. I guess they’re the Canberra Cannies except when they are off their game, when they become the Canberra Uncannies.
- Cottage Cotties. It’s better than the Bellies, and it could almost have been the Cooties, which is all you get if you try to google “cotties.” I don’t know what it means, which is probably a good thing.
- DC Deecies. Very reminiscent of The The Angels Angels. Unless you pronounce it “Decease” or “Disease” in which case it’s as ominous as you could want, but perhaps a little too unfocussed as to who is being threatened.
- Flint Hill Flinties. Evokes a certain level of grit, even ruthlessness. I wouldn’t expect the stadium seats to be very comfortable.
- Haviland Havvies. Sure, but what do they have? That’s the question, and it isn’t clear the answer is going to attract fans.
- Kaline Kalies. What’s a Kalie? I’ve known a couple of Kaleys, I think, but unless this is a women’s team, it may not work. On the other hand, it’s no worse than the Phillies, and maybe better, since all the Kaleys I’ve know have been human rather than equine.
- Peshastin Peshies. As mysterious as a Kalie, but without the straw of a girl’s name to grasp at for meaning. I think it would end up sliding to “Pesties“, which would be appropos a lot of the time, like when they are turning down generous offers for Juan Soto.
- Pittsburgh Pitties. Or maybe Pities. When the team finishes 10th, either spelling works. I like this one so much, it makes this entire post worth the effort.
- Portland Porties. I’m afraid a Portie is more likely to evoke a PortaPotty than anything else… But wait! It could just as well be the Portland Portlies! They could play in the same division as the Bellies.