I thanked Jamie yesterday for his kind and surprisingly positive spotlight on the Wolverines, including that wonderful photo.
But I was confused at the level of alarm in his note, as if a cute, solitary Wolverine was some kind of menace. It got me to wondering: would it be scarier to have a cuddly Wolverine loose in your back yard, or a Tornado? (Or a Dragon? Or a championship-starved Kangaroo, or even a Pear or a Cheese long past its “best used by” date.)
We’ll deal with the Rosebuds in due course, but for now I confess I don’t know how scary our inorganic mascots are. Maybe the incorporeal Drive incorporates more risk than the often barely perceptible Balk, and the same for the wild and majestic Cascades rather than the tamer and less conspicuous Alleghenys.
But rather than trying to rank ourselves by our untrustworthiness, I have different advice: distrust and suspicion isn’t good for us, friends.
And I am not just making this up on my own, for my own benefit. Nor am I asserting my authority as director of the GFU Civility Project, let alone as EFL Commissioner. I am invoking a much higher power than that.
Consider yesterday’s New York Times Letter Boxed puzzle, the featured image for this post. The Times presents the letter box without the lines inside the box, just the letters around the perimeter. You’re supposed to start with a letter and draw a line from letter to letter to spell words. You can’t use any letter twice in a row, except the last letter of one word has to be the first letter of the next word. And you have to draw the lines through the white space — you can’t go from the E to the W to spell “ew” no matter how much you dislike this puzzle.
The image shows the puzzle after I solved it, which took me less than a minute (VERY short, for me) because I had just read Jamie’s post. I immediately saw the W-O-L-V linkage and just went from there to see if I could spell WOLVERINE. Ten seconds gone. Then the second word had to start with the final E in Wolverine. EMBRACE is right there, plain as day. (The puzzle suggested trying to solve it with no more than 5 words. There is always a 2-word solution. As of this morning I am 75 – 67 in getting the two-word solution. Half of my losses are days I never got around to attempting the puzzle.)
The New York Times, friends, the Gray Lady, the Paper of Record, has a message for you: WOLVERINE EMBRACE. It was published the same day Jamie published WOLVERINE FLEE or WOLVERINE PICKLE or whatever his message was. What are the odds against that happening by coincidence on the very same day? Practically infinite.
Who are you going to believe: the mainstreamiest media there is, clearly led by the hand of God, or a disgruntled defending EFL champion?
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 48 | 19 | .711 | — | 388.2 | 247.5 |
| Peshastin Pears | 44 | 22 | .673 | 2.7 | 315.9 | 221.0 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 44 | 23 | .650 | 4.1 | 325.8 | 236.0 |
| Kaline Drive | 44 | 24 | .644 | 4.3 | 350.6 | 260.4 |
| Haviland Dragons | 44 | 24 | .640 | 4.6 | 326.5 | 248.3 |
| D.C. Balk | 38 | 20 | .662 | 4.7 | 309.4 | 222.4 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 34 | 24 | .592 | 8.8 | 315.7 | 264.6 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 35 | 31 | .530 | 12.2 | 321.6 | 303.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 35 | 31 | .527 | 12.4 | 355.3 | 347.6 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 30 | 36 | .452 | 17.3 | 336.0 | 375.2 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 29 | 37 | .441 | 18 | 257.2 | 290.9 |
Old Detroit: W, 5 – 4. (31 PA, .267, .290 .433; no pitching) The inoffensive (literally) Wolverines barely escaped with a win — the kind of win that lowers your winning percentage by 0.001. Rafael Devers led the offense with a rather unimposing pair of singles. Ke’Bryan Hayes…
… I learned something about Ke’Bryan Hayes last night. I already knew that the other day he hit a homer, but got it disallowed because he couldn’t manage the delicate task of touching first base. I have been quietly resenting him for that ever since. What I didn’t realize was he did that on a pitch from… Walker Buehler! Now I think I’d rather have Hayes’ homer than shave a single run from Buehler’s account… but I am not certain of it. Maybe Hayes thought otherwise. In fact, I’m nearly certain he did! Hayes has never missed a base before. You’d have to notice, wouldn’t you, that you hadn’t stepped on the bag? Video shows him planting his foot right next to (but clearly not in contact with) first base. Hayes did it to help the Wolverines — possibly the entire team, but certainly his Old Detroit teammate Walker Buehler!
See what I mean about the Wolverines being cute and cuddly? They are willing to sacrifice their own interests for the greater good. Buehler grooved a pitch to help out Hayes, and Hayes returned the favor by not-too-conspicuously missing first base. There is nothing here to fear. WOLVERINE EMBRACE.
Peshastin: “L”, 4 – 3. (27 PA, .240, .296, .400; 7 ip, 2 er, 2.57 ERA). Very much like the Wolverines day, except with some good pitching. Six of the seven Pear hitters got hits. Each of the six got one hit. Four of the six got singles, Victor Robles distinguishing himself with a double, but Willi Castro (a shortstop, of course) topping him with a homer — and a walk!
But Willi is no self-centered showman When he realized I had put himself above his teammates with that walk, he got himself caught stealing to make things even again. And when Mike Zunino noticed Tom Murphy had also added a walk to his hit, Mike declined to reach base safely so the catchers would not be resented by the rest of the team.
Anyway, the Pears politely declined to crowd the Wolverines any worse than they were already doing. But it’s ok, Peshastin. Even though I don’t mean WOLVERINE EMBRACE literally, I don’t mind if you need to step a few tenths of a game closer, now that the incorporeal Drive have been supplanted behind you by an untamable natural disaster!
Flint Hill: W 2, L (-1); 10 – 0. (41 PA, .206, .366, .500; 13.4 ip, 1 er, 0.67 ERA). I’m so sorry. I meant for this post to be all sweetness and trust. I especially meant to be nice to the Tornados, since their owner was so nice to my Wolverines yesterday. And Jamie even helped me this morning by running the stats for me when I hadn’t done that by 8 AM. How thoughtful…
But then I saw what kind of day the Tornados had yesterday. Their pitchers shredding opposing hitters, allowing only one run in over 13 innings! Their hitters hitting well. The team winning two and losing a loss…
Then it hit me. Why were the T’s so eager to run the stats? Was it kind solicitude for an elderly colleague? Or was it frenzied eagerness to see how far the T’s soared up the standings (2 places, and a full half-game closer to first), destroying all in their path?!
(No, Commissioner, don’t lose your path. This post is about trust and beauty, not mean suspicion and fear. )
Kaline: L, (-2) – 3. (42 PA, .122, .143, .146; 9 ip, 3 er, 3.0 ERA). Dinelson Lamet pitched well over 4 innings (1 earned run), and JT Brubaker nearly matched him, to keep the Drive from sinking further in the standings despite their listless offense. If this timidity was inspired by fear of the Wolverines after Jamie’s alarums, dear Drive, do not let them trouble you any more. Wolverines are solitary animals. They love their neighbors at the basic level of “trying not to bother them.” I promise if you leave them alone, they will not bother you.
Haviland: W, 9 – 6. (31 PA, .379, .4019, .586; 9 ip, 5 er, 5.00 ERA). The Wolverines, who barely squeezed out a win, are more like the harmless Pears than the literally tempestuous Tornados or their Dragon kin, each of whom blasted their way to victory. In Haviland’s case, the mightiest hitter was… shortstop Jose Iglesias (4 singles for 5), although the quintessential non-shortstop Nelson Cruz was right behind him with three singles and the Dragons’ only walk in his 5 PA.
If anything, the Dragons were too fired up for their own good. Pitchers Spencer Howard and Tyler Glasnow each completed only 4 innings, but combined to give up 5 earned runs.
DC: L, 1 – 4. (30 PA, .185, .267, .259; 3 ip, 1 er, 3.00 ERA). I need to apologize to the Balk. When I called a balk “barely perceptible” I was referring to balks happening on the field of play, obviously NOT the Balk team with the spiffy logo and color scheme, and their apparently permanent position among the top-six teams engaged in this season’s pennant race. They are very perceptible. Maybe less so on a quiet day like yesterday, when even though 7 of the 8 batters reached base safely and no pitcher came anywhere near chulking, no batter had more than 2 total bases, and no pitcher more than 2 innings. Unmemorable, maybe, but clearly perceptible, or we wouldn’t have all these stats.
Canberra: “L”, 6 – 3. (13 PA, .308, .308. .692; 3.3 IP, 0 ER, 0.00 ERA). The Kangaroos demonstrate this morning that one can be perceptible without being vivid. These are wonderful stats, but thin, and thus oddly pale. There’s only 4 batters here, one of whom (Javier Baez) went 0 for 1. The other three all tallied extra base hits, Vladdy’s being a homer, and JBJ and Eric Haase clouting doubles. The ‘Roos stuck to relievers for their pitching, and got outstanding work: 6 k’s in 3.3 innings, meaning 60% of the outs were strikeouts, and only 2 baserunners (a hit and a walk) meaning 50% of the batters struck out (not counting a mysterious 13th batter faced, who must have reached base on an error).
So are the ‘Roos more fearsome than the gentle Wolverines? Yes, clearly more fearsome, at least yesterday. But here’s an odd thing. When I visited Australia, especially on the days I spent with Ryan in Canberra and its environs, the kangaroos were everywhere. I saw hundreds of them. I’ve never seen a wolverine out of captivity. So why were the ‘Roos so much scarcer yesterday than the W’s?
Were they frightened into hiding by Jamie’s alarms? If so, tsk, tsk, Jamie. And come back out to play, Kangaroos. No Wolverine will harm you. Much.
Pittsburgh: W, 8 – 2. (19 PA, .412, .474, .706; 7.7 ip, 2 er, 2.34 ERA). The A’s did everything the W’s did, only more — and in the case of hitting, better. Jorge Soler went 3 for 4 with a double and a walk, and Dominic Smith walked, singled, and homered in four PAs, to lead a strong offense. Braxton Garrett got through 4.3 ip with 2 earned runs, and three relievers combined for 3.3 scoreless innings, to produce an excellent day from the mound. Thus the Alleghenys gained a half game on first place (matching the Tornados) and surged back ahead of the Cheese…
Cottage: W, 3 – 2. (32 PA, .226, .250, .387; 17.7 ip, 5 er, 2.54 ERA). The Cheese lost their hold on 8th place even though they won, because their win was so narrow. Lots of very good pitching spread across five pitchers was almost not enough to offset a moderate amount of poor hitting. Randy Arozarena was not the problem — he doubled and homered. If all the Cheese were of the Arozarena variety, they would be scariest cheese ever, scarier even than the bleuest bleu cheese rampant with mold.
Portland: “W”, 9 – 11. (25 PA, .381, 480, .667; 14.3 ip, 14 er, 8.81 ERA) What a a hectic day for the Rosebuds! All six batters reached base, with Luis Urias the only one who reached base only once (via a walk). The other five batted .444, .524, .778. Wonderful! Beautiful!
But then the pitchers took the field. We’ve seen this before: relievers Daniel Norris and Jimmy Nelson dominated a scoreless inning each. Starter Matt Peacock survived 5 ip with 3 earned runs (5.40 ERA). Eric Lauer was a little worse: 5 ip, 4 er, 7.20 ERA. But Dylan Bundy triple chulked : 2.3 ip, 7 er, 27.00 ERA.
The end result was poignant: a work of art torn into shreds, something like this: 
In the end, nothing to be afraid of, unless you are a Rosebud fan.
Bellingham: “L”, 6 – 5. (24 PA, .391, .417, .609; 1 ip, 0 er , 0.00 ERA). The Cascades, it turns out, were exactly as scary (or not-scary) as the Wolverines yesterday. Curt Casali and Jonathan India both went 3 for 4, India adding an extra base (a double) and an extra base (a walk) and an extra base (a stolen base). Kevin Newman only went 2 for 4, but one of the two was a home run. (I hope Ke’Bryan Hayes was studying how his Pirates teammate touched the bases.) The database accused the C’s of losing, but they outscored their opponents by the same margin as the W’s (1 run) and ended the day exactly where they had started it, 18 games out of first place.
Summary: WOLVERINE EMBRACE. But also it looks like you can safely embrace at least the Cascades, the Rosebuds (once they are separated from their thorns), the Balk, the Drive, and the Pears. That’s more than half the league. For the others, a friendly manner and a modicum of trust are in order, even if you decide to take their alarms in stride.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2021
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 48 | 19 | .711 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 44 | 23 | .650 | 4.1 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 43 | 24 | .642 | 4.6 |
| Boston Red Sox | 40 | 27 | .597 | 7.6 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 33 | 31 | .516 | 13.1 |
| New York Yankees | 33 | 32 | .508 | 13.6 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 22 | 43 | .338 | 24.6 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| D.C. Balk | 38 | 20 | .662 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 34 | 24 | .592 | 4.1 |
| New York Mets | 33 | 25 | .569 | 5.4 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 32 | 32 | .500 | 9.4 |
| Atlanta Braves | 30 | 33 | .476 | 10.9 |
| Washington Nationals | 28 | 35 | .444 | 12.9 |
| Miami Marlins | 29 | 37 | .439 | 13.4 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago White Sox | 41 | 25 | .621 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 35 | 28 | .556 | 4.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 35 | 31 | .530 | 6 |
| Kansas City Royals | 30 | 35 | .462 | 10.5 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 29 | 37 | .441 | 11.9 |
| Detroit Tigers | 27 | 39 | .409 | 14 |
| Minnesota Twins | 26 | 40 | .394 | 15 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 38 | 28 | .576 | — |
| Chicago Cubs | 38 | 28 | .576 | — |
| Cottage Cheese | 35 | 31 | .527 | 3.2 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 33 | 31 | .516 | 4 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 33 | 33 | .500 | 5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 23 | 42 | .354 | 14.5 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Kaline Drive | 44 | 24 | .644 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 44 | 24 | .640 | 0.2 |
| Oakland A’s | 41 | 27 | .603 | 2.8 |
| Houston Astros | 37 | 28 | .569 | 5.3 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 33 | 33 | .500 | 9.8 |
| Seattle Mariners | 33 | 35 | .485 | 10.8 |
| Texas Rangers | 25 | 41 | .379 | 17.8 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Peshastin Pears | 44 | 22 | .673 | — |
| San Francisco Giants | 41 | 25 | .621 | 3.4 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 40 | 26 | .606 | 4.4 |
| San Diego Padres | 38 | 30 | .559 | 7.4 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 30 | 36 | .452 | 14.6 |
| Colorado Rockies | 26 | 41 | .388 | 18.9 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 20 | 47 | .299 | 24.9 |