I thought the Seraphim were good. But there we were, just yesterday morning, with a baby stretch run, a big lollipop of incandescence in its chubby little hands. Then along came these characters dressed up as Seraphim who grabbed the incandescence and ran off with it.
It’s not even like they wanted the incandescence for themselves. They just wanted to snuff it out! And they succeeded:
Salem: W 2, L (-1), (9.5 – (-0.3)). (.359, .379, .469; 20.3 ip, 1 er, 0.44 ERA). These are the raw stats for the Seraphim Saturday. All that pitching, dumped all at once into the pennant race — such a cruel thing to do to our beautiful baby pennant race. Johnny Cueto, Caleb Ferguson, and Michael Wacha combined to compile 15.3 scoreless innings. Then Alex Cobb added 5 more innings, allowing only one earned run. Five of the 14 Seraphim batters OPSed 1.000 or more, without a single home run on the entire team.
Old Detroit: “L”, 4.2 – 2.4. (.154, .327, .333; 20.7 ip, 5 er, 2.18 ERA). Who cares if the W’s had a great day of pitching? Nothing spoils a daily 2.18 ERA with TONS of innings like your competitor having a 0.44 ERA — four times as good! — on the same number of innings — and batting about 4 times as well, too. At least the “W’s” had a better day than the Balk…
DC: “L”, 3.7 – 3.6. (.192, .276, .346; 1 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). Only a faint wisp of pitching, and a lot of faint-hearted hitting (typified by Pete Alonso’s 0 for 7 with 2 walks), doomed the Balk to slipping back into third place, while tripling their distance from fist place. It’s crippling, tripling the distance to first place.
Canberra: W (-1), L 2. (.367, .426, .551 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day!; 7 ip, 4 er, 5.14 ERA). The ‘Roos had a wonderful day at the plate, led by Isaac Paredes (2 for 4 with 2 doubles, 1.500 OPS), Willson Contreras (2 for 5 with a homer and a walk), Nathanael Lowe (4 for 5, 1.600 OPS), and Julio Rodriguez (3 for 5 with a triple, 1.600 OPS). I was listening to the M’s game when Julio led off the game with a long fly. I was torn — yay for the M’s, boo because the A’s pitcher was my James Kaprielian, who needed to have a VERY good day, and boo because Julio hitting a homer could could lift the Kangaroos past the Wolverines. So when it was only a triple, I was happy — good for the M’s, no harm to the W’s as long as he didn’t score. But of course, he DID score on a SF… but then that was the only run Kaprielian allowed. Aslo, alas, the M’s lost in 11 innings. And it all didn’t matter anyway in the EFL as the Seraphim were about to destroy our incandescent pennant race anyway.
Haviland: W, 10 – 2. (.375, .446, .604 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day +; 6 ip, 1 er, 1.50 ERA) Also, Haviland knocked the ‘Roos back a way with their even better Edgar Martinez Day, and their stingy pitching. The Dragons lost the least ground of anyone to the almighty Seraphim — only 0.4 games.)
— Sorry, I can’t finish this now.. It’s time to go to church.
My reference to “Alex Cobb” as a Seraphim was code for “Chris Archer”, because those two have occupied the same cell in my brain’s memory for years now. The Alex version of this single being does not play for the Seraphim. The Chris does, and did the 5 extra innings of damage to our incandescence.
My apologies to the Arch-Seraphim and all his fans.
Thanks, I feel better now about the Alex Cobb thing. Your explanation makes perfect sense for those of us with a severely limited number of brain cells.
BUT your flagrant violation of our team name “Seraphim” must be corrected. “Seraphim” is a plural noun, the singular of which is “seraph.” When referring to an individual on the Salem team, you must describe him as a Seraph, not a Seraphim. The same holds true for the title of the team’s owner.
Since we (the Seraphim) are part of an organization known for its forgiving nature, we forgive you, as long as you repent.
–Dave Votaw, Arch-Seraph