Mike Trout, 15 votes

“The kid is almost too good to be true,” a National League manager said of the 2014 AL MVP, who is batting .545 with a 1.766 OPS this spring after hitting two home runs on Tuesday. “Trout comes across as a genuinely good guy who cares about his teammates. If he stays on course, he’ll go down as one of the greatest ever to play, in the [Mickey] Mantle and [Willie] Mays class.”

“All I ever hear about,” said an EFL executive, “is how we passed on Mike Trout to take a pitcher who’s spent the last year on the DL and isn’t due to be back until July.  I’m looking forward to the day his EFL rookie contract expires. It cannot happen soon enough.”

“Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of these questions,” said a possibly other EFL bigwig. “The answer is always the same.  I can’t wait until Kris Bryant gets here.”

 

Clayton Kershaw, 11 votes

“Kershaw?” asked an EFL exec. “Kershaw?  I guess I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him play. Is he in the big leagues already?”

 

Buster Posey and Giancarlo Stanton, four votes each

Posey’s lone World Series title in five years for the Dragons, along with his offensive production at the most important defensive position, have him in the conversation with the all-time greats. Stanton could be forging a legendary career in Old Detroit as a power hitter, if it weren’t for the EFL’s stupid rules requiring teams to let their stars hit the market after five years.

“Posey is a winner,” an EFL manager said. “I miss him so much (sniff!)…  when you put it all together — talent, leadership — he’s the best. Even though he had to move to another team, we’ll always love him here in Kans… (sob!)”

“Stanton is an intimidating force,” another EFL manager said. “We’re going to miss him so much (sniff!)…  when you put it all together — talent, leadership — he’s the best. Even though he’ll have to move to another team, we’ll always love him here in Mich… (sob!)”

 

Andrew McCutchen, Jose Fernandez and Kris Bryant, three votes each

“McCutchen? McCutchen?,” an EFL manager said. “Oh, yeah, he’s the guy who tossed me the ball in the center field stands in Pittsburgh that one time.  He might be ok.”

“If Fernandez comes back to where he was before he had the surgery,” another EFL manager said, “we’ll welcome him with open arms. But… but… (sniff!)… I don’t see how that’s going to happen under current league rules… (sob!)”

“Bryant’s power is unreal,” an EFL GM said. “First time I saw him, I said, `This guy’s going to be a star.’ Everything I’ve seen since convinces me he’ll be one of the best in the game, very quickly. All we have to do now is put the other EFL managers back under our evil spell, and we can add Bryant to our team alongside Trout. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!”

 

Madison Bumgarner and Salvador Perez, two votes each

“I was on to Bumgarner toward the end of his career,” an EFL manager said. “Love his attitude, the way nothing bothers him, and his stuff is tremendous. But he never did us that much good in the standings. Good riddance, I say.”

“I’d start building my team with a catcher, shortstop and center fielder,” an EFL manager said. “A few years ago, obviously, I didn’t realize that and started my team with Adam Dunn instead. Now, because of his age and future, Perez is my choice.”

 

Miguel Cabrera, Adam Jones, Corey Kluber, Corey Seager, Carlos Correaand Blake Swihart, one vote each

Here are three established stars and three gold-plated prospects… (skipping over the tiresome comments for most of these guys…)

“Kluber is for real?” an EFL manager said of the Wolverines’ 2014 AL Cy Young Award winner. “I love his stuff, everything about him, but man, we sure were lucky to stumble into him. I still think Felix is better, but (sniff!) we’ll never get The King back… (sob!)”

 

League Consensus Pick: Arismendy Alcantara

But in the end, every EFL owner surveyed came back to one overwhelming, dominant, obviously all-time-greatest pick: the Amazing Arismendy!

“Those Cheese take the cake,” said one awestruck EFL owner. “When the Alleghenys stole Mike Trout, it was with the third EFL pick in the draft.  But the Cheese snuck Alcantara past all of us and got him with the 31st pick.  And for only $2,000,000!”

“As soon as the Cheese used that pre-emption on the first name up in the second round, the room erupted in moans and protests,” said an unnamed shellshocked EFL Commissioner. “We all saw in a flash what fools we were to leave Alcantara out there for 3o picks.”

“That’s for sure,” agreed another envious EFL source. “And what kind of idiots must they be in Old Detroit? They had Alcantara for two whole months last year, and still let him slip away. After the Altuve disaster last year, and the even bigger Alcantara Apocalypse this year, I’d say Wolverine management should stay off the streets of Old Detroit for awhile.”