What’s in a Name?

Juliet wonders why she should be deterred from loving Romeo just because he’s a Montague.

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet”

You can see right away that Juliet’s story is going to be tragic.  That which we call a Rose by any other word would smell as rotten — at least in baseball.

Now I am a big fan of Shakespeare, who deserves every bit of his reputation as the leading light of English literature. Still, if given a choice, I’d rather read Bill James, even though he can get churlish and mean.  The other day, in his “Hey Bill” feature on his website he got into a conversation with his readers about the best and worst baseball names. James goes on a little binge, citing names like Vic Power and Fielder Jones.  He notes Cecil and Prince Fielder’s name was wasted on them, as was Justin Smoak’s on him.  He mentions Homer as a bad name for a pitcher, a fact to which we Wolverines can attest.

I was reminded of this theme yesterday when… well, I’ll tell you that part in due course.

Haviland: W 2, L 1; 20 – 9.  .304, .360, .536;  5.7 ip, 0 er.  Neil Walker didn’t walk at all over the last two days, and only went 1 for 9 and presumably ran like crazy to get that triple. Kyle Schwarber was the star — 5 for 11 with a double, two homers, and one of the walks Neil should have been taking. My free online translater tells me “schwarber” means “schwarber” in English.  “Schwarb”, it says, means “black” even though we all know black in German is “schwarz.”  Even so, I will henceforth remember Schwarber as the man who subjected the Wolverines to the gloomy doom of falling into second place.

Old Detroit: “W”, 3 – 5. .271, .348, .373;  11.7 ip, 6 er. “Segura” is Spanish for “sure” or “certain”, and Jean Segura certainly was self-assured yesterday, going 3 for 4 with a homer. The Old Detroit management was certifiably stupid, however, allocating Segura at 0% this month, making it inevitable that Segura would surely have a great month (.429, .458, .482 — the best month of any Wolverine in July). Wolverine management was too busy giving more time (100%) to Matt Moore, who also leads the team in an important category: ERA (7.23) where less may be more, but it isn’t Moore de segura.

Cottage: L, 1 – 5.  .229 .264, .337; 13.7 ip, 8 er.  Arquimedes Caminero would be a great baseball name no matter what it means.  It would be a great name period no matter what it means.  “Caminero” in Spanish means “Walker” — which, as we will see, is not a propitious baseball name for a pitcher.  Yesterday Arquimedes overcame his name, walking no one in his scoreless 0.7 inning appearance.  It wasn’t enough to salvage the day for the Cheese.

Peshastin: W 1, L 1; 9 – 11.  The Pears don’t have a flair for drafting guys whose names relate to baseball.  They have a Sale, but he isn’t a peanut vendor.  They have a Wood, but he’s a pitcher.  They have a Taylor, but he doesn’t manage the team equipment. But these things are contextual, right? So if the team is owned by a Smith and a Smith goes 2 for 7 with two doubles and two walks, that signifies in Peshastin, doesn’t it?

Pittsburgh: W 3, L (-1);  21 – 6.  .404, .544, .654;  11 ip 1 er. We went to see “Inside Out” yesterday.  I’ll skip a review of that movie to mention the short that showed just before it. “Lava” told the story of a lonely volcano living in sad isolation high above the sea.  He longs for companionship but collapses back into the sea just as a comely young female volcano appears above the waves.  What a poignant summary of the Allegheny history in the EFL.  Except now there are rumblings down there in the deeps of the EFL, terrifying sounds of seismic activity where the Alleghenys were last seen, elevating Pittsburgh in the standings by two games in a single day — still under the waves, but uncomfortably close to emerging as a contender.  In the movie, the craggy old volcano revives and re-emerges from the sea to “love-a” (sounds like “lava”) the new volcano and they live happily ever after. (I am not making this up. This is all accompanied by a sappy song that even now plagues my brain like a glowing earworm.)  Somehow I don’t think the same sweet fate awaits us if our craggy old mountain retakes his accustomed place atop our league.

Flint Hill: W (-2), L 3;  2 – 17.  .227, .289, .307;  10 ip, 16 er.  I’ve made enough fun of Fernando Abad’s unfortunate last name — and he had nothing to do with Flint Hill’s mighty collapse (1.3 ip, 0 er).  Adam Liberatore has also gotten some play here for his name, and he has left some fingerprints lately (1 ip, 1 er) — but even his performance couldn’t have generated such a dire result.  Dustbin Pedroia would be an awful baseball name, and Dustin is pretty close, appropriate for a guy who goes 0 for 10 while his team is in need.  But the real culprit here is the innocently-named Eduardo Rodriguez for his quadruple-chulking 1.7 ip, 7 er outing.  (I just realized that Flint Hill is the perfect name for an Allegheny wanna-be! So it’s kind of sad that the real Alleghenys’ dramatic uplift comes at such a dear cost to their Flint Hill emulaters.)

Kaline:  W 2, L 1; 13 – 15.  .212, .333 .515;  11.7 ip, 6 er.   I am struggling to come up with Drives with cool (or sad) baseball names.  You could probably stretch Justin Turner into something, given what he did the last two days (5 for 8 with a double and a homer).  But I can’t work it out just now.

Canberra: W 1,  L 1; 9 – 12.  .267, .377, .378;  24 ip, 15 er.  Yesterday afternoon I got this poignant message from Canberra:

Walker v Greene tonight.  M’s lose 8-7, I assume.

As you all know, the Commissioner is an old softy and wishes only the best for every EFL team. So I immediately consoled the fretful Captain Kangaroo:

M’s lost last night. They’ll win tonight. But sure 8-7 is probably right.

It may surprise you, considering the ‘Roos lowly position in our standings, but the Captain Kangaroo is clearly clairvoyant.   In fact, the unfortunately-named Taijuan Walker was saddled with 5 earned runs in his 4.3 innings, neatly matching the 5 earned runs Shane Greene surrendered in his 4.7 innings.  As the ninth inning opened the score indeed was 8 – 7, with the visiting Mariners losing. I got this message from Canberra:

There it is! I assume the M’s will now meekly roll over.

Shockingly, considering how the score had come out exactly the way the Captain had predicted, with precisely the feared implications for the Kangaroos (and forgetting for now the ‘Roos lowly place in the standings, etc.), the M’s did not roll over. Instead, Franklin Gutierrez resurrected Allegheny-like from the depths of the apparent end of his career, strode to the plate as a pinch hitter and blasted a whole-lotta-lava all over Comerica Park for a grand slam homer.  The M’s won 11 – 9. (Yes, Fernando Rodney took the mound in the bottom of the ninth and surrendered his obligatory run in 2/3 of an inning.)

So – if I were Taijuan Walker I would consider changing my name. Even Taijuan Smoak would be better, or maybe Taijuan Asche if he wants to evoke a volcano. But please, please, please — not Taijuan Lava, ok?

Portland: W 1, L 1; 7 – 9.  .233, .313, .317;  15 ip, 6 er.  If I were the Rosebuds I would hire someone to make sure Mookie Betts is not just a Rose by another name.