Preach It, Treebeard

Some of you know Jon Chandler, 1978 GF grad, ASC president his senior year. He’s now a jolly 60-something, mostly working with the Oregon Homebuilders Association (a Democrat among Republican land-developing wolves), and an avid bike rider. He and his wife do the Cycle Oregon ride every year, and post Facebook pictures.

This week he captured this tree in action:

John Burroughs (yeah, I never heard of him before, either)  is widely quoted as saying “Nature teaches more than she preaches. There are no sermons in stones.”

See, this is why Burroughs is not all that famous. Maybe stones don’t preach, but that tree is delivering an urgent message.  I hope we’re listening.

 

Haviland: “W”, 4 – 5. .250, .311, .300; 7.3 ip, 4 er.  “Woe unto you who dress up losses as wins, covering for Carrascos and Barracloughs who allow 4 er in only 6 innings!  Your doom is upon you! … Well, maybe your doom is too far back with only 14 games to go to be literally upon you, and maybe you’ll get away with it this year, but I’ll still be standing out here next year with my limbs akimbo preaching your doom!”

Old Detroit: W, 7 – 2. .333, .362, .571; 27.7 ip 8 er. “Woe unto you… ummm…”  (Ed. Note: Hang on.  I don’t know what the tree is saying to the W’s.  Let me pop over to church to see which of my sins is going to be discussed from the pulpit this week.)

(OK, I’m back:  it was my habit of inattention to things important to those around me, like my parents’ last anniversary and whether I remembered to go pick Sam up at his friend’s house this morning. The text was James 1: 22 – 24.  “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.” Melanie reminded me last night to pick up Sam at 8:45, but by this morning I had forgotten completely and it never crossed my mind — until Melanie came home at 9:30 and asked me where Sam was.) ( Not sure how this relates to the Wolverines…)

Pittsburgh: L, 6 – 8.  .244, .352, .774;  14 ip, 11 er.  “Woe unto you for snapping up all the great debutants — Addison Russell, Miguel Sano, Blake Swihart, Stephen Piscotty, Roberto Osuna, Noah Syndergaard.  Those who live by the debutant will die by the debutant, including their 4 for 16 with two homers and two walks (oh wait, that’s a .250, .333, .625 line, not too shabby.  So where was that curse supposed to land… oh, right, here it is) … I mean, with their 7 ip and 8 er. Now you are closer to the Tornados than you are to the Dragons, more likely to be swept up in the Whirlwind than to reach paradise. That’ll teach you not to share the debutants more generously!”

Flint Hill: W, 13 – 6.  .419, .472, .806;  15 ip, 8 er.   “Woe unto you, you fatted cows of the upper reaches of the EFL!  Your doom is upon you!  Behold the best team in the EFL this month: Flint Hill, at 14 – 4  for an .800 winning percentage.  126.7 runs scored in 28 games! More than 28% ahead of the second best offensive team! Only 63.4 runs allowed — second in the league behind … woah, behind the Woahverines!

” You fatted cows probably think you’ve got it made in the shade, since this is Sep 20 and there are only 10 days left, even in this bloated month. But you have no idea how bloated September is — this year September is not over until September 35th —  the day formerly known as Oct 4. So — Aug 31 – Oct 4 this year is Sept 1  – Sept 35, that’s 35 days, 15 left in the season. Now maybe you wish you’d listened when the Commissioner suggested renaming September to Ron, or Mocktober, or Wolvember.”

(Note: At this point there was a several hour delay while I was cursed to serve as chauffeur for my sons and one or two other boys around town to soccer games, haircuts, stores, post-game parties, and the like. This is why this Sunday Morning Update comes to you in the rather extreme reaches of the late A.M. — about 20:45 AM, in fact. My deepest apologies.) 

Peshastin: W, 4 – 2. .286, .390, .314; 10 ip, 2 er.   “Woe unto you, you ripe old fruit! Yes, God has given you a victory over the Cheese, but be not so proud!  What the Lord giveth the Lord might also take away. Lay not up for yourselves treasures that are here today but tomorrow burned like chaff! Garrett Richards will not always go 8.7 innings with only 2 earned runs! Javier Baez, on the other hand, very well could continue going 0 for 4 with 2 strikeouts for the rest of his days.”

Cottage:  “W”, 5 – 8. .258, .343, .516;  11 ip, 9 er.  “Woe unto you, you ripe old block of spoilt milk!  By your fruits shall you be known! I don’t mean those Pears you’ve got there on that plate, ready to consume.  For Lo! I hear the blood of your pitchers crying unto me! What did you do to my child Sonny Gray that he could give up 5 er in 5. innings?!? And how came it that my child Mike Leake leaked 3 runs in only 3 innings?  Thus have you cast the blessing of a fine offensive day like pearls before swine! WOE!”

Canberra: W, 7 – 6. .258, .273, .645;  9.3 ip, 11 er. “Woe, woe, woe, woe, WOE! Unto you!  Robbie Erlin did I give thee whilst I saddled the Woeverines with Burch Smith. He regretted his pick within the minute it was made, not thee.   He had to essentially eat his pick, not thee.  He was scorned and ridiculed, not thee. He was embarrassed before the nations, not thee. And yet thou could not keep my lamb Robbie safe from the chulks. Thou did let him go 3 innings and be battered for 7 earned runs.  When he pled to be taken out, thy ears turned to brass. Oh, and what about Vincent Velasquez and his 3 earned tuns in 2.3 innings?  And Mayckol Guaipe: 1 er in 0.7 ip? Should thee be smitten all the way down to 8th place?  NOT 9th place, nay, there would be an innocent victim then, but maybe 8th place…”

Kaline: W, 4 – 4.  .267, .298, .378;  0.3 ip, 0 er.   Woe unto thee, thou Wizard!  The Lord gave thee an abundance of pitchers, 16 in all, 6 of them former Wolverines.  The Lord gave you Marcus Stroman, then the Lord took him away  — and now the Lord has miraculously raised Stroman from the dead months and months early.  All these talents I left to you to be used for good.  But you buried them all, and only allowed poor Willie Harris to pitch to one batter. Even though he got a strikeout, you sent him to the showers. When the Lord comes back and asks you to account for the talents he gave you, how will you explain that you were afraid to send them out to pitch?”

Portland: L, 2 – 9.  .246, .317, .368; 1 ip, 2 er.  “Woe and aphids unto thee, Rosebud!  Poor Chris Young the very Tall chulked (2 er, 1 ip)… Oh, wait, you’re last in the EFL and sinking. I guess you know all about woe… I’m sorry to have bothered you.  Have a real nice day.”

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