Rosebuds are for Reals

EFL Standings for 2016

Portland: W, 2 – 0. [Really 2.4 – (-0.2)]  (.245, .317, .358;  10.3 ip, 2 er).  I have no idea why the Rosebuds traded for Michael Fulmer.  Their pitching is already the best in the majors, with no names like Junior Guerra and Brian Flynn combining for this dominant performance.

Old Detroit: W, 8 – 4.  (Really 7.7 – 3.6]. (.302, .362, .744; 0.3 ip, 0 er).  An 1.108 team OPS! That should worth a half-game in the standings all by itself. (Which is exactly what it was worth in the AL East. But who cares about the AL East, other than millions  rabid anti-Yankee Wolverine fans?)

Haviland: L, 4 – 7. (.303, .314, .394; 10.7 ip, 8 er). Well, this doesn’t really work.  You can’t hit like the Rosebuds if you pitch like replacements.

Pittsburgh:  W, 5 – 1.  (.281, .286, .500;  15 ip, 3 er).  You can hit like the Rosebuds if you also can pitch like them.  Here’s a scary thought: judging by yesterday, the Rosebuds are practically an Allegheny clone.

Peshastin:  W 2, L (-1); 8 – (-7).  (.282, .349, .487;  14 ip, 1 er.)  Well!  Here’s a team that played even better yesterday than the Rosebuds, or the Alleghenys, or anyone! The best thing about it this: the Pears are safely tucked away in 5th place. It’ll be a long time before they’ll cause trouble for the league leaders.

Canberra:  W, 3 – 2.  (.205, .271, .341; 18.3 ip, 6 er.) The Kangaroos are like a Biblical parable.

    A rich young lawyer — well, young at least — who once was in first place went on a long trip in the wrong direction. He called his three servants. “Why can’t you be more like the Rosebuds?” he asked them. “We need to turn this thing around. I am giving each of you the ball.  Let’s see how long you can pitch until the other team scores 2 earned runs off you.  Do not fail me.”

    His ace servant Porcello pitched nine innings before the other team scored two runs.  His other servant Matz pitched 6 innings before the other team scored two runs. But the third servant, Devenski, knew the young lawyer was a hard man, who sometimes reaped what he did not sow, and feared retribution. He completed only 3.3 innings, and arranged for one of the batters to hide the ball in the bleachers — bringing his total of earned runs allowed to 2, like his peers.

    Great was the anger of the young lawyer.  “I will take your innings, Devenski, and give them to Matz. Then I will trade you to another team so we can bat against you for once. “

     Devenski threw himself at the feet of the young lawyer begging for mercy. Will he find any?

Flint Hill:  L, 9 – 13.  (.281, .378, .719;  12 ip, 14 er).  The Tornados went big — as hitters (1.097 team OPS) and pitchers (11.25 ERA). .500 is definitely slipping away.  Oh, and don’t think we didn’t notice what you posted on your Facebook page: a green plain with the sun coming up in a gorgeous pink-and-blue sky — in other words, impossibly perfect countryside for Tornado-victimhood.  (No, it is certainly NOT “Green”leaf, Idaho, not in late July.) We liked it better when you cooped yourself up at the .500 mark.

Cottage: L, 1 – 6. (.200, .267, .250;  no pitching).  The Head Cheese was talking after the draft this morning about how he was resigned to his status as a seventh-place team.  As Commissioner, it was my duty to tell him the bad news: in a 10-team league, a team with only two rivals below him in the standings is in eighth place.  I didn’t mention the obvious corollary: such a team is wasting Wil Myers’ breakout season (2 for 3 with a double and a walk yesterday) and should trade him to a contender. No, no, NOT the Rosebuds.  Some other contender.

Kaline: W, 9 – 7. (.350, .422, .575 — Happy EMD Day!  Edgar for the HOF!;  0 ip, 3 er.) Ooooh!  Such gorgeous offense.  Kris Bryant’s 3 for 3 with 2 walks led the way.  But then, such awful pitching almost ruined it — Daniel Hudson imploding allowing a walk, a single, and a homer.

D.C.: W, 6 – 4. (.294, .333, .412;  9.3 ip, 4 er). Another nice day for the Balk. Jeff Samadzija struggled a little — 4 er in 6 ip — but the bullpen picked him up just enough to secure a solid victory.