* Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:
<sob>
<moan>
“Drew Smyly “
<sob, sob, sob>
“They… they’re not… <sob> due until Saturday night… so… <deep breath>… so I assume I can legally unlock and change them.” <sigh> <sniffle>
— Heartsick Over Dreams Dashed
Dear Dashed:
There, there, it will be all right. Mr. Smyly is not dead. He is not scheduled for a TJ surgery that will keep him out of your rotation for nearly two full years, like Andrew Heaney. He is not bravely attempting enriched platelet therapy to dodge what’s probably an inevitable TJ surgery that will knock him out for the next two years, like Anthony DeSclafani.
So cheer up. Yes. That’s better. Here’s a tissue.
Yes: every EFL team has all the way until Midnight Tomorrow (PDT) to fine tune Opening Day allocations. Just ask me or Dave — I think you can just ask Dave, since you and he are so close — and one of us will unlock your allocations so you can do them right. Give us a little warning before midnight if you can, but if one of your players slips off his soapy pickup truck while popping wheelies on his motorcycle and breaks his wrist at 11:30 PM, let one of us know before midnight how you want your allocation revised and we’ll get it done for you.
In the future don’t lock your allocations until closer to the deadline, OK? Think for once about the costs of your impatience to our hard-working staff. If you forget to lock them, we’ll lock them for you. As long as none of your players have in the meantime wandered off through the unlocked roster portal, you’ll be fine.
Personally, I’m waiting to be sure Shane Greene makes the Tigers and saves the Wolverine bullpen before I finalize my allocations. Also, there’s the matter of Kolten “Kryin’ ” Wong: will his whining over being platooned prompt the Cardinals to send him and his .564 OPS to Memphis?
— Mr. EFL Answer Man
PS: * I quote the original message exactly, although I’ve added notes on the nonverbal aspects of the communication because they give a fuller picture of the tragic situation Mr. Dashed is facing.