League Updates • Uncategorized

Rewrite

April 27, 2017
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Jayson Stark lost his job Wednesday, along with about 100 of his colleagues at ESPN.  Apparently subscriptions and viewership are down.

Given the lack of updates the last three days, you may have wondered if  EFLN (The EFL Network) was also experiencing financial difficulties.  The answer is “no… mostly.” Our subscriptions are stable, and viewership seems fine.  But Paul Simon is right:

I been workin’ at the college
I consider it my day job
‘Cause it’s really not a pay job
But that’s where I am

… except it almost sounds like he says he’s been working at the “carwash.”  Also, the college really IS a pay job.  And I need to keep my pay job. So, yes, there is a certain financial vulnerability to the EFLN, at least for a few more years.  But it hasn’t gotten any worse lately.  Our business model is more robust than ESPN’s. We will not implement changes in our talent lineup this week.

Speaking of Paul Simon and his song “Rewrite”, here’s a little more from it:

Every minute after midnight
All the time I’m spending
It’s just for working on my rewrite, that’s right
Gonna turn it into cash

… except for the “turn it into cash” part, which, like I said, is why I been workin’ at the college.

 

EFL
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB RS RA
Cottage Cheese 16 5 .772 — 132.9 72.2
Peshastin Pears 16 6 .738 0.5 107.8 64.3
Kaline Drive 13 8 .641 2.8 91.3 68.3
Haviland Dragons 13 8 .618 3.2 130.3 102.4
Flint Hill Tornadoes 12 8 .588 4 95.5 80.0
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 11 9 .532 5.1 82.3 77.2
Portland Rosebuds 9 13 .422 7.4 91.5 107.1
Old Detroit Wolverines 8 12 .406 7.6 71.9 87.0
Canberra Kangaroos 8 13 .395 7.9 82.9 102.6
D.C. Balk 8 13 .384 8.2 103.9 131.5
. .
Cottage: W 2, L 1; 18 – 14.  “Rewrite” might have been (re)written by the Head Cheese:
 .
But I say help me, help me, help me, help me
Thank you!
I’d no idea
That you were there
When I said help me, help me, help me, help me
Woah!  Thank you
for listening to my prayer
 .
And well might the Head Cheese be thankful.  After all those years in the EFL wilderness,
 ..
He‘ll eliminate the pages
Where the roster has a breakdown
And he has to trade for prospects
While he tries to do no harm
.
Gonna substitute a car chase
And a race across the rooftops
When the Cottage wins the trophy
And he holds it in his arms
. 
Peshastin:  W 2, L 1; 19 – 9.   But the thing is, more than one person can lift up a prayer and get it answered.
 .
He’s been working on his rewrite, that’s right
He’s gonna change the ending
Gonna take away the title
And stick it in his stash.
.
. 
Kaline: W 2, L 0; 20 – 8.
Haviland:  W 2, L 0; 13 – 6.
Flint Hill: W 2, L 1; 18 – 16.
Pittsburgh: W 2, L 0; 12 – 9.
 .
Let’s face it: the league really is stratified into classes.  The Cheese and the Pears are the Main Dish, the Top Dogs, the Elite, running together atop the race.  Then come the suddenly ambitious Drive, surging to the top of the bourgeoisie which also comprises the Dragons, Tornadoes and Alleghenys.  But note that the drive are 2.8 games out. The gap between the Pears and Drive is almost 5 times greater than between the Pears and the Cheese.  They are not running the same race.  The Alleghenys are closer to the Drive than the Drive are to the Pears.
 .
And then come the tired, the poor, the huddled masses, the wretched refuse of our teeming  cellar.  Portland is as far behind Pittsburgh as Pittsburgh is behind Kaline.  But The Balk are only 0.8 games behind Portland. In other words, it is three times as easy for the Rosebuds to tumble into 10th place as it is for the Alleghenys to slip into seventh.
.
Portland:  W 1, L 2; 21 – 28.
Old Detroit: W 1, L 2; 8 – 15.
Canberra:  W 0, L 3; 12 – 20.
DC:  W 1, L 2;  18 – 20.
  .
Here’s a little more from “Rewrite”, which somehow seems to speak to my condition.
 .
Everybody says “The old guy
Workin’ at the college
Hasn’t got a brain cell
Left since Vietnam.”
. 
Whoa. That Paul Simon sure knows his stuff.  Given the calamitous collapse of the Wolverines, and Old Detroit management’s constant lament ( “I don’t understand! Why is this happening!?”), truer words may never have been written.
. 
 
.
 
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017
AL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Baltimore Orioles 14 6 .700 —
New York Yankees 12 7 .632 1.5
Flint Hill Tornadoes 12 8 .588 2.2
Boston Red Sox 11 9 .550 3
Tampa Bay Rays 11 12 .478 4.5
Old Detroit Wolverines 8 12 .406 5.9
Toronto Blue Jays 6 14 .300 8
NL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Washington Nationals 15 6 .714 —
Miami Marlins 10 9 .526 4
Philadelphia Phillies 10 9 .526 4
New York Mets 8 12 .400 6.5
Canberra Kangaroos 8 13 .395 6.7
D.C. Balk 8 13 .384 6.9
Atlanta Braves 7 12 .368 7
AL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Detroit Tigers 11 9 .550 —
Chicago White Sox 11 9 .550 —
Cleveland Indians 11 9 .550 —
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 11 9 .532 0.4
Minnesota Twins 10 11 .476 1.5
Kansas City Royals 7 14 .333 4.5
NL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Cottage Cheese 16 5 .772 —
Chicago Cubs 12 9 .571 4.2
Milwaukee Brewers 12 11 .522 5.2
Cincinnati Reds 10 12 .455 6.7
St. Louis Cardinals 9 11 .450 6.7
Pittsburgh Pirates 9 12 .429 7.2
AL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Houston Astros 14 7 .667 —
Kaline Drive 13 8 .641 0.5
Haviland Dragons 13 8 .618 1
Los Angeles Angels 11 12 .478 4
Oakland A’s 10 11 .476 4
Texas Rangers 10 12 .455 4.5
Seattle Mariners 9 13 .409 5.5
NL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Peshastin Pears 16 6 .738 —
Arizona Diamondbacks 14 8 .636 2.2
Colorado Rockies 14 8 .636 2.2
Los Angeles Dodgers 10 12 .455 6.2
Portland Rosebuds 9 13 .422 7
San Diego Padres 9 14 .391 7.7
San Francisco Giants 6 14 .300 9.2