It was a dark and stormy night…

… somewhere when Ryan’s Facebook shared a haunting memory:

Gerald began—but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them “permanently” meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash—to pee.

.

Ryan called this maybe his “favorite Bulwer-Lytton winner.” It’s good and bad, but not my favorite.  That honor goes to the 2015 winner:

Seeing how the victim’s body, or what remained of it, was wedged between the grill of the Peterbilt 389 and the bumper of the 2008 Cadillac Escalade EXT, officer “Dirk” Dirksen wondered why reporters always used the phrase “sandwiched” to describe such a scene since there was nothing appetizing about it, but still, he thought, they might have a point because some of this would probably end up on the front of his shirt.

— Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ

.

But still, I think: Hurray for Ryan! The 2017  Wolverines aren’t going to win any awards. I am in line for no other awards this year. In my moment of most abject discouragement about my dismal award-winning prospects, Ryan comes through with an inspiration! Once I set my jaw and flex my fingers to win the Bulwer-Lytton prize for worst writing, no semiliterate ink-stained wretch will be able to stand in my way!  Just watch.

.

.

Pittsburgh: W 3, L 0, 34 – 16. (.365, .416, .687; 40 ip, 15 er).   Deep in his cluttered underground lair dug into the side of a mountain somewhere in the Allegheny segment of the 1500-mile long Appalachians, invisible to passing hikers on the Appalachian Trail despondent in their regret over spending the waning summer walking through pastures on such lame hills without a snow-capped volcano in sight when they could have been dodging forest fires on the far wilder, more challenging and spectacular Pacific Crest Trail,  Mark “Branch” Weinert smiled.

. 

Flint Hill:  W 1, L 2; 12 – 12. (.236, .289, .447; 38.3 ip. 11 er). His mouth full of Allegheny dust, Jamie “Thunderhead” Johnson was tearing his hair out. Figuratively, of course.  He wasn’t called “Thunderhead” for nothing, unless the “nothing” referred to the state of his follicle-based balance sheet. Perhaps he had literally pulled his hair out in the past. If so, this obviously wasn’t the first time Thunderhead had been so agonizingly frustrated.

.

Haviland:  W 2, L 1; 11 – 8. (.236, .327, .371; 20 ip, 5 er).    John “Chiefest of Calamities”  Johnson lay like a Dragon atop his hoard of stolen treasure. He lay there but he didn’t sleep, because he had no scales and a treasure hoard consisting entirely of three EFL trophies wouldn’t have been comfortable even if he was as scaly as some tried to make him out to be (“some” consisting entirely of a single EFL commissioner he could name, but won’t this time).  Everyone knew you needed at least four trophies before your bed of trophies could begin to be comfortable.

.

Cottage:  W 2, L  1; 21 – 19 (.307, .382, .591; 25.7 ip, 17 er).  “No one has any more right than me to be disappointed,” Dave “Head Cheese” Votaw thought to himself, as if Puerto Rico didn’t exist, or at least hadn’t been hit by two or three hurricanes and wasn’t without power for weeks or maybe months, and didn’t already have a bankrupt public sector — or even if they did, they hadn’t spent millions of pretend dollars to assemble a supposedly unbeatable lineup that had been in the thick of the race a month before but was now in danger of finishing 20 games out.

.

Portland: W 3, L 0 ; 28 – 16. (.305, .392, .586; 25.3 ip, 14 er). Three days had passed without word from headquarters. Mark “Bud” Johnson paced back and forth crossing and recrossing his living room like a polar bear would if it were caged in a living- room-sized cage at a zoo, except a polar bear wouldn’t have found any relief if it had learned that the Rosebuds  had won 3 straight without any effect on its place in the standings or the draft pick it had long ago traded to the Wolverines — although Bud’s family might have been slightly more concerned if the pacing caged  creature had been a polar bear.

.

Kaline: W 3, L 0; 20 – 3. (.282, .353, .565; 31 ip, 7 er). They called Tom Johnson “The Wizard” even though there was never any sign that he had anything magic about him. He just spent his retirement puttering happily around on an idyllic island while his team full of losing-streaking Mariners won games like  THEY were the Indians and not those guys from Cleveland… Oh, now I get it.

.

Peshastin: W 2, L 1; 7 – 10. (.194 .268, .310; 18.3 ip 5 er).  Phil Smith, the incomparable Top Pear, was spared from despair by a  pair of Pear wins despite  comparatively spare offense. Even though the Pears’ lead over the impaired Wolverines was pared it appeared the Pears could parry any last-minute thrust the W’s might prepare.

.

Old Detroit: W 2, L 1; 14 – 11. (.297, .341, .390; 26.7 ip, 11 er). Having spent most of the morning trying and failing to compose award-worthy prose, the Commissioner had an inspiration: perhaps there was a Bulwer-Lytton award for bad fantasy baseball managing!  Surely a season spent steadily in eighth place would win such a prize! He visualized the BL Bad Managing trophy occupying a place of honor in his home or office… but he returned resignedly to the computer keyboard when he remembered the league had ten teams.

.

Canberra: W 2, L 1; 18 – 17.  (.313 .380, .434; 24.3 ip, 14 er). For nine days after the bizarre trivia-night injury, Ryan “Captain Kangaroo” Mock was  unable to put weight on his left foot until finally a well-meaning friend tried to help (he “had to use a cane after I tore my achilles,” the friend said, “and lucky for you I got to be an expert at getting around on a bad foot. I’ve helped many people.”); at least he tried for a few minutes until the Captain’s foot  hurt worse than ever — so badly, in fact, the Captain finally blurted out “Stop it! You’re making it worse!  I can’t bear a cane guru!”

.

DC: W 1, L 2; 10 – 15. (.204, .303, .323; 26 ip. 12 er).  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times  — hopefully more like the latter, assuming we are talking about the 2017 Balk season.

.

ORIGINAL ORDER	CURRENT ORDER 1st RD	Draft Pos
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	Peshastin Pears	30
Flint Hill Tornadoes	Flint Hill	29
Haviland Dragons	Portland Rosebuds	28
Cottage Cheese	Old Detritus Woeverines	25
Portland Rosebuds	Old Detritus Woeverines	24
Kaline Drive	Kaline Drive	22
Peshastin Pears	Peshastin Pears	20
Old Detroit Wolverines	Peshastin Pears	18   (up 1)
Canberra Kangaroos	Canberra Kangaroos	12   (up 1)
D.C. Balk	DC Balk	1

.