We learned quite a bit yesterday about lawyers, loopholes, and language.
EFL Standings for 2018
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Cottage Cheese | 13 | 8 | .614 | — | 116.6 | 92.5 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 12 | 8 | .604 | 0.3 | 95.6 | 77.4 |
| Kaline Drive | 13 | 10 | .575 | 0.7 | 109.1 | 93.8 |
| Brookland Outs | 12 | 9 | .556 | 1.2 | 113.2 | 101.2 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 12 | 9 | .555 | 1.2 | 92.2 | 82.5 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 12 | 9 | .550 | 1.3 | 99.7 | 90.2 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 11 | 10 | .533 | 1.7 | 84.0 | 78.6 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 9 | 10 | .495 | 2.5 | 100.0 | 101.0 |
| Haviland Dragons | 11 | 12 | .460 | 3.3 | 99.0 | 107.3 |
| D.C. Balk | 8 | 12 | .422 | 4 | 69.0 | 80.8 |
| Peshastin Pears | 8 | 13 | .382 | 4.9 | 96.7 | 123.1 |
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Cottage: W, 6 – 4. (.211, .273, .632; 8.3 ip, 3 er). My Enzo-fueled craze yesterday drove me to downplay Sean Manaea’s outstanding performance: a no-hitter! Let me congratulate the Cheese properly for that brilliant moment. And as compensation for my rudeness, the Commissioner has authorized me to install the Cheese in first place for a day.
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Canberra: DNP, 4 – 1. (.226, .294, .226; 9.3 ip, 3 er). Installing the Cheese was made easier when the Kangaroo hitters took the day off, essentially, mimicking the NL East – leading New York Mets. That lax offensive performance is no doubt due to inattentive Canberra management, who was too busy pestering the Commissioner’s Office with complaints like this:
“Manny Machado hit two homers against Kluber. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Who do I talk to about getting him arrested/invalidating those homers?”
To which the Commissioner replies:
“We would gladly arrange to have those homers cancelled, but our hands are tied by small-minded rules enforced by picky owners. We are soo000 sorry Kluber’s pitching line was 7 ip, 3 er, and that your entire team’s daily ERA was only a little bit under 3.00. We totally understand your pain. How can anyone expect the Kangaroos to compete when wrongly saddled with pitching stats like those? It sure is a good thing you dumped that loser Porcello. Those extra 4 earned runs in only 25.7 ip would totally mess with your place in the standings.”
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Kaline: “L”, 3 – 2. (.179, .333, .250; 8 ip, 2 er). Trevor Williams put together a strong 6 ip, 2 er start, and got good back-up from his pen. Not so much from his offense, where only Ian Desmond (2 for 3 with a double and a walk) seemed to be awake at the plate. To be fair, Kris Bryant got beaned in his first plate appearance, so the Driver was probably distracted. Apparently Bryant did not suffer a concussion and should be back in action soon.
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Brookland: W, 8 – 2. (.350, .381, .675; 8 ip, 2 er). Yes, I see what Canberra means about those Machado home runs. They are offensive, by definition. And they helped this insolent expansion team clutter up the pennant race. Apparently our rules against expansion teams in pennant races must have loopholes we are going to have to close if we don’t want to see this kind of thing in the future.
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Flint Hill: “W”, 5 – 6. (.258, .324, .484; 1.3 ip. 0 er). The Convection Confection conversation seems to have stalled. Probably the Ferret front office fretted over offensive ineffectiveness, despite a fairly robust batting line — but I don’t know, I haven’t heard from them yet.’
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Portland: “W”, 9 – 9. (.417, .531, .583; 3.3 ip, 6 er). German Marquez was the one who knocked Kris Bryant out. Of the game, I mean. His day didn’t get any better after that. German’s day, I mean, although I don’t know, maybe Kris’ day didn’t go so well either if his head was hurting. German’s day was so bad it negated an outstanding day at the plate for the Portlanders, including two retaliatory HBPs suffered in widely disparate places (Welington Castillo’s in Chicago and Logan Morrison’s in Kansas City). Clearly it was the very cosmos organizing the retaliation. Think about that.
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Old Detroit: W, 7 – 3. (.282, .391, .615; 6 ip, 2 er). Wolverine management thought such a great day at the plate with a solid day on the mound would have the W’s bounding up the standings. Ha ha. What a chump. Sure, the W’s won, but they caught up with exactly no one and still languish in 7th place. (Shouldn’t “languish” be a noun, like “anguish”? Or at least an adjective, like “longish”?)
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Pittsburgh: “L”, 5 – 4. (.294, .351, .324; 8.7 ip, 4 er). On the other hand, we can say in English “the Alleghenys still languish in eighth-place anguish thanks to players’ langor.”
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Haviland: “W”, 4 – 7. (.280, .333, .360; 1 ip, 0 er). And “Dragons dragged themselves to a ‘win.’ The drag of being in ninth place dragged on nonetheless.”
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DC: W (-1), L 1; (-1) – 0. (.160, .222, .280; 7 ip, 3 er). Although Daniel Mengden didn’t match teammate Manaea’s masterful performance, he did a pretty nice job anyway (6.3 ip , 1 er). But Alex Wilson triple chulked (2/3 of an innings with 2 er) and the Balkan offense was all Aaron Altherr (3 for 3 with a triple). The non-Altherrian parts of the offense went 1 for 22 for a line like this: .045, .087, .091.
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Peshastin: W, 13 – 4. (.346, .433, .846; 3.7 ip, 0 er). What’s all that racket down there in the basement? It’s newly arrived JT Realmuto going 2 for 2 with a walk, and Javier Baez going 2 for six with a double and a homer, and Joey Gallo going 1 for 2 with a homer and a walk, and especially Mitch Haniger blasting two doubles and a homer in 5 ABs. The Pears have shrunk the gap between first and eleventh in the EFL to less than 5 games. That’s an entire game smaller than the smallest gap in any of MLB’s five-team divisions! Our declared rebuilding franchise is closer to first place in an 11-team race than supposedly super-teams Yankees or Nationals are in their standings.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2018
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Boston Red Sox | 17 | 4 | .810 | — |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 13 | 8 | .619 | 4 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 12 | 9 | .555 | 5.3 |
| New York Yankees | 11 | 9 | .550 | 5.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 11 | 10 | .533 | 5.8 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 8 | 13 | .381 | 9 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 6 | 16 | .273 | 11.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| New York Mets | 14 | 6 | .700 | — |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 14 | 7 | .667 | 0.5 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 12 | 8 | .604 | 1.9 |
| Atlanta Braves | 12 | 8 | .600 | 2 |
| Washington Nationals | 10 | 12 | .455 | 5 |
| D.C. Balk | 8 | 12 | .422 | 5.6 |
| Miami Marlins | 5 | 16 | .238 | 9.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cleveland Indians | 11 | 8 | .579 | — |
| Minnesota Twins | 8 | 8 | .500 | 1.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 9 | 10 | .495 | 1.6 |
| Detroit Tigers | 9 | 11 | .450 | 2.5 |
| Kansas City Royals | 5 | 15 | .250 | 6.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 4 | 14 | .222 | 6.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 13 | 8 | .619 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 14 | 9 | .609 | — |
| Cottage Cheese | 13 | 8 | .614 | 0.1 |
| Brookland Outs | 12 | 9 | .556 | 1.3 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 12 | 10 | .545 | 1.5 |
| Chicago Cubs | 10 | 9 | .526 | 2 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 3 | 18 | .143 | 10 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 16 | 7 | .696 | — |
| Los Angeles Angels | 14 | 8 | .636 | 1.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 13 | 10 | .575 | 2.8 |
| Seattle Mariners | 11 | 9 | .550 | 3.5 |
| Oakland A’s | 11 | 11 | .500 | 4.5 |
| Haviland Dragons | 11 | 12 | .460 | 5.4 |
| Texas Rangers | 8 | 15 | .348 | 8 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 15 | 6 | .714 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 12 | 9 | .550 | 3.5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 12 | 11 | .522 | 4 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 10 | 10 | .500 | 4.5 |
| San Francisco Giants | 9 | 12 | .429 | 6 |
| Peshastin Pears | 8 | 13 | .382 | 7 |
| San Diego Padres | 8 | 15 | .348 | 8 |