(Editor’s Note: Don’t forget to weigh in on options for our next manager’s meeting here. Now. There are four responses missing, only two of which are from people on the Far Side of the planet.)
Yesterday I noted how our league was in balance, with every team’s runs scored and runs against falling in the 200’s.
Today, in an act of unbelievable insolence, two teams have flagrantly broken our league harmony after only one day. The standings will reveal their identities, I will explain how the dastardly deeds got done, and you will discover what I intend to do about it.
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EFL Standings for 2019
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Portland Rosebuds | 32 | 18 | .637 | — | 301.1 | 226.5 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 31 | 18 | .628 | 0.6 | 300.7 | 230.8 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 28 | 21 | .572 | 3.3 | 279.6 | 235.8 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 28 | 22 | .550 | 4.3 | 275.2 | 247.8 |
| Peshastin Pears | 27 | 23 | .531 | 5.3 | 246.3 | 232.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 26 | 23 | .525 | 5.6 | 227.1 | 215.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 26 | 25 | .504 | 6.6 | 207.4 | 204.6 |
| Haviland Dragons | 24 | 27 | .480 | 7.9 | 236.1 | 247.7 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 21 | 28 | .435 | 10 | 239.9 | 276.4 |
| Cottage Cheese | 20 | 28 | .413 | 11 | 232.0 | 276.8 |
| Brookland Outs | 19 | 29 | .399 | 11.7 | 232.1 | 285.7 |
| D.C. Balk | 18 | 32 | .369 | 13.4 | 203.5 | 266.9 |
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Portland: W, 5 – 0. (41 PA, .250, .341, .444; 1 ip, 0 er, 0 era). The Rosebuds had scored 295.8 runs as of Thursday morning. Today their total is 301.1. Rosebud management claims it was “an accident,” they “didn’t know both Tommy Pham AND JT Realmuto would hit homers,” etc., etc., blah, blah. I’ve been teaching over a third of a century. I’ve heard all the excuses. “I didn’t know my paper would come out so similar to his” said one student who copied the classmate’s paper. “I didn’t know my team, averaging over 6 runs per game, might score 5.3 runs if I ran my normal lineup out there.”
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But even if we were inclined to believe this stuff, we also note the Rosebuds managed to stay just ahead of the Tornados in runs scored when it wasn’t even necessary to do so to stay in first place. We think it’s more likely than not that the Rosebuds didn’t care that they were setting themselves up as an elitist 300-run-scoring team while some of their fellows were still struggling with fewer than 210 runs. They let other considerations outweigh doing the sensitive and compassionate thing of waiting up until the slower teams can catch up.
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Flint Hill: W, 15 – 7. (30 PA, .333, .400, .593 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day!; 2 ip, 1 er, 4.50 ERA). But as bad as it was for the Rosebuds to step gently over the line, the Tornados were even worse. They BLATANTLY raced to get over the 300-run line as fast as they possibly could. Fifteen runs in a single game! How did they even do that with only 30 Edgar-class plate appearances? They don’t seem to have replaced any replacements… We need an Inspector General for stuff like this.
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Old Detroit: W, 16 – 3. (30 PA, .407, .467, .963; 8 ip, 2 er, 2.25 ERA). It should comfort the rest of the league to know that, their dastardly run-hoarding done for the day, the two scofflaws atop our league turned around to see the Wolverines had gained on them.
Rosebud: He is gaining on us!
Tornado: How is he a-gaining on us?
Rosebud: Quick! Move that thing?
Tornado: Isn’t he using the a-same wind as us?
Rosebud: Not that thing! The other thing!
Actually, there is a Man in Black in this scene. He’s Josh Bell, blasting another homer plus a double, a single, and a walk. And the W’s gained ground on both of the fugitives despite their very good days.
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Canberra: W 2, L (-1); 7 – 0. (27 PA, .318, .429, .500 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day!; 8.3 ip, 1 er, 1.08 ERA.) Except in this movie the Man in Black ssis being shadowed by another Man in Black who — well, he doesn’t GAIN on the W’s on their 16 – 3 day, but he only loses 0.1 games in the standings.
Wolverine: “Inconceivable!”
Kangaroo: “I do not think that word means what you think it means. Starling Marte almost matched your Pirate Man in Black, and my pitching was better.”
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Peshastin: W 1, L (-1); 7 – 4. (32 PA, .483, .531, .724; 1 ip, 3 er, 27.00 ERA). Now we are moving into the middle-class neighborhoods of the league, where people are quietly going about their business without dwelling too much on the insouciance of the top two teams. Juan Soto went 3 for 3 with everything but a homer to lead a squad of 5 Pears OPSing over 1.000. But Robert Gsellman almost cost them the win with his 1 ip, 3 er outing. All this was on a day off, so the effects were blunted/partially stored up for tomorrow’s update.
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Pittsburgh: W, 4 – 3. (36 PA, .258, .250, .581; 8 ip, 2 er, 2.25 ERA). Stephen Strabsurg pitched seven strong innings and Trevor Gott finished the game with a scoreless inning to lead the Alleghenys to victory. An otherwise sleepy offense got jolts from pinch hitters Dominic Smith (double0 and Tyler Austin (homer) to provide the needed runs.
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Kaline: W, 7 – 5. (29 PA, .360, .448, .640; 1 ip, 0 er, 0 era). The Drive slipped off the knife-edge .500 balance they had yesterday, but fortunately it was to the upper side. We don’t blame them for this, even though having the Drive right at .500 perfects the league balance. It wasn’t Kaline’s fault that someone — or some two, actually — thought they were too good for the rest of us, thereby shaking the league’s balance and pulling the Drive off center.
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Haviland: W, 10 – 4. (28 PA, .240, .321, .480; 6.3 ip, 3 er). How did the Dragons get 10 runs out of the same line with which Flint Hill got 15? The Dragons’ raw line includes all of Zack Cozart’s 0 for 5, but Cozy is only active 50%. Without 2.5 of his plate appearances, the real Dragon line looks more like .267, .353, .533. Still not quite 10 runs per game, but getting closer.
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Bellingham: L, 3 – 8. (32 PA, .167, .219, .333; no pitching.). Midway through the Blues section of the league, how are the Cascades doing? Well. They need pitching to win. Hitting, too, but even the hitting the Cascades had yesterday would have been enough for a win if there was enough really good pitching.
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Cottage: W, 8 – 7. (17 PA, .533, .588, .933; 1 ip, 0 er, o.oo ERA). One wonders if the authority of the Head Cheese is detectable from such a distance. One assumes, since it’s cheese, and they aren’t noted for vocal cords or ears, they must communicate olfactorily. We’ve got telegraph, television, televangelism, and all their internet corrolaries. But I suspect telaroma devices are not really up to snuff if you’re trying to maintain legitimacy of your authority from 10,000 miles away (7500 as the worm burrows). Elsewise, why did only 5 hitters and a single reliever bother to show up for work at the Cottage yesterday?
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Brookland: L, 7 – 10. (24 PA, .348, .375, .739; 7.7 ip, 7 er, 8.22 ERA). CJ Cron celebrated the impending MLB activation of his little brother with a big day at the plate (5 for 6 with two doubles and a homer).
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DC: “L”, 3 – 2. (37 PA, .188, .297, .281; 12 ip, 6 er, 4.50 ERA). You can hold a foe to 2 earned runs on a 4.50 ERA when half your innings (roughly) are erasing replacement innings. Not that I recommend piling up replacements so grace may abound, but I just wanted to remind everyone that grace is built into the EFL.
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Grace even for those at the top who put their own interests above the balance and harmony of the league. You can hope to be no-hit, and for your pitchers to be immolated. Or else I will have to unleash Josh Bell and the Wolverines on you. Lord have mercy.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2019
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| New York Yankees | 32 | 17 | .653 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 31 | 18 | .628 | 1.2 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 29 | 18 | .617 | 2 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 28 | 21 | .572 | 4 |
| Boston Red Sox | 27 | 23 | .540 | 5.5 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 20 | 30 | .400 | 12.5 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 15 | 35 | .300 | 17.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 29 | 21 | .580 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 28 | 22 | .550 | 1.5 |
| Atlanta Braves | 28 | 23 | .549 | 1.5 |
| New York Mets | 24 | 25 | .490 | 4.5 |
| Washington Nationals | 19 | 31 | .380 | 10 |
| D.C. Balk | 18 | 32 | .369 | 10.5 |
| Miami Marlins | 16 | 31 | .340 | 11.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Minnesota Twins | 33 | 16 | .673 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 26 | 23 | .525 | 7.3 |
| Cleveland Indians | 25 | 24 | .510 | 8 |
| Chicago White Sox | 23 | 26 | .469 | 10 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 21 | 28 | .435 | 11.7 |
| Detroit Tigers | 18 | 29 | .383 | 14 |
| Kansas City Royals | 17 | 32 | .347 | 16 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 29 | 19 | .604 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 29 | 22 | .569 | 1.5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 25 | 22 | .532 | 3.5 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 25 | 24 | .510 | 4.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 22 | 27 | .449 | 7.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 20 | 28 | .413 | 9.2 |
| Brookland Outs | 19 | 29 | .399 | 9.9 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 33 | 18 | .647 | — |
| Texas Rangers | 24 | 23 | .511 | 7 |
| Kaline Drive | 26 | 25 | .504 | 7.3 |
| Oakland A’s | 25 | 25 | .500 | 7.5 |
| Haviland Dragons | 24 | 27 | .480 | 8.5 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 22 | 27 | .449 | 10 |
| Seattle Mariners | 23 | 29 | .442 | 10.5 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 32 | 18 | .640 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 32 | 18 | .637 | 0.1 |
| Peshastin Pears | 27 | 23 | .531 | 5.4 |
| San Diego Padres | 26 | 24 | .520 | 6 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 25 | 25 | .500 | 7 |
| Colorado Rockies | 22 | 26 | .458 | 9 |
| San Francisco Giants | 21 | 28 | .429 | 10.5 |