Dear Mr. Answer Man:
Which players are going to break out this year? You know, which ones will suddenly outdo all their projections, so if they’re on my team it will do better than expected and my team will be a contender after all. I need about 5 or 6 of these guys. PLEASE give me some good news!!
— No One in Particular
Dear No One:
I have good news for you, or at least VERY IMPORTANT NEWS which might not be what you are expecting but you’ll still thank me for years to come.
I did a little study. I consulted 7 baseball experts (Bowman at Athletic, MLB, MLB again, Bleacher Report, CBS, fantrax , and Student Union). (Yes, yes, those last two ARE experts. They have websites. I am sure the students at Student Union are all tip-top scholars, so relax.) I noted everyone they named on our current rosters, plus everyone on the Rookie or Free Agent draft lists. Here’s what I found:
TEAM # Mentions Players (times mentioned)
OD 9 Riley (4), Lux (2), Smith (2), Jimenez
PR 6 L Urias (3), Alzolay (2), Solak
CC 6 N Lowe (4), Moncada, Ohtani
DC 5 Mondesi (2), Musgrove, McMahon, Hilliard
CK 4 Guerrero (2), Kieboom, Dubon
HD 3 Kopech, Puk, Reyes
FH 3 Hiura (3)
BC 2 Mahle, Tellez
PP 2 S Murphy(2)
KD 2 Means (2)
PA 1 Swanson
Rookies: Adell (2), Carlson (2), Hayes (2), Mize (2), Pearson (2), Stephenson (2), Evan White (2); Akin, Antone, Bart, Brogdon, Chisholm, Dalbec, D Garcia, Gimenez, V Gonzalez, Houck, Howard, Pache, E Paredes, Patino, Roberts, Sanchez, Schmidt, Skubal, Tsutsugo, Varsho
Free Agents: Straw
Do you see the crucial information here, applicable to your goal of transforming into a contender? Let me help:
- The Rosebuds are RUTHLESS. They’re no fragile rosebuds, Little Prince style. They’re fierce, the match for any tiger. Just so I could get the first pick in the rookie draft, I traded away THREE players, one of whom is on this list THREE times – tied for second-most likely to break out. (I also swapped back from pick #5 to pick #15). That’s right, I traded Luis Urias (current salary $500,000) plus two other good players, plus 10 spots in the draft, to get the #1 pick (cost $14,250,000). The best I can do with that pick is get a player listed here 2 times. (Or one time. I haven’t decided.) One time (or two) LESS than Urias. The Rosebuds, my innocent blood dripping from their cruel thorns, may even now be scanning the league for more chumps. BEWARE! Getting shredded by your competitors is not a path to victory.
(True, he asked for Lux, and I turned him down. And he asked for Smith, and I turned him down. I voluntarily offered Urias… but it’s clear to me now he had me under some kind of spell. )
- If you are ever tempted to trade with a deadly flower, do this first: pretend you did the trade and then write a post to the league describing the trade. You don’t have to send it – everyone knows no one likes to read about other people’s trades – but just do it. Nothing makes one’s folly clearer than having to describe it in public.
- The Wolverines are utterly pathetic PATSIES. If you need to trade for something, why deal with anyone else? Just gaze at me with your googly eyes and steal me blind.