It’s Already Over!!

… and the Wolverines have won. 

In case you are confused, or dispute this result, I can prove it.  

Here is how Joe Posnanski put it on February 24 — so long ago, I can’t believe no one noticed it — while writing about the Texas Rangers for the Athletic: 

Funniest name: Sherten Apostel.

Rougned Odor is, quantifiably, the most wonderful name on the Rangers, and in baseball, and in all the world. But it’s time for new blood, and the full name Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel is glorious.

Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel. 

Had Ryan known what we were bidding on against each other as almost the last pick in the Rookie Draft, he would never have let me walk away with Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel for a mere $750,000.  Of course, I didn’t know, either, even though Joe P’s post was already 10 days old when we held the draft. 

I was behind in my reading.

Clearly, that could have been a tragic mistake, but by the grace of God, I still managed to win that round of bidding and thereby win the entire Rookie Draft.  I doubt anyone will beat Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel in the Free Agent Draft, either. 

If things go well, Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel will be on my team for 5 years, earning a grand total of $4,750,000 in that time, possibly to star at first base or third, and certainly to star on the roster sheet. 

Phil just turned down my offer for Juan Soto — a VERY generous offer, except it didn’t include Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel.  I am not sure Juan Soto — a nice name, but come on. Boring old Juan Soto cannot be rationally considered to be in the same ballpark as Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel.   

The Pears have some outstanding names; Genesis Cabrera, Huascar Ynoa, Jazz Chisholm, even Ozzie Albies.   Those four would make a VERY generous offer, in its own way almost as generous as the one I offered for Juan Soto.  But Juan Soto is a once-in-a-generation player, and so in his way is Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel, so even a VERY generous offer is not going to be enough. 

In fact, here are the team champions on our current EFL rosters:

Bellingham: Xander Bogaerts.  Bogaerts is from Aruba. Apostel is from nearby Curacao. They have great names there. But Bogaerts’ middle name is Jan.  Just Jan.  A wasted opportunity. 

Canberra:  Ryan made a big deal about something quirky connected to Tommy Doyle, his late pick in the draft.  Whatever the quirky thing was, it wasn’t his name.  The Kangaroos have a lot of great single names — Emmanuel, Karinchak, Lucchesi, Humberto, Mikolas, Odorizzi, Sixto, Kieboom — but they all have pedestrian other names: Clase, James, Joey,  Mejia, Miles, Jake, Sanchez, Carter.  Put them together and you might have something,  Emmanuel Kieboom. Sixto Humberto Lucchesi Karinchak.  That might get you into the semifinals.  The Kangaroos’ most outstanding name does apply to just one person:  Touki Gilbert Kiti Toussaint is almost 75% of the way there, but that Gilbert part breaks the mood, as does discovering his real name is Dany.  Nicknames are great, but that’s a different competition. 

Cottage:  Shohei Ohtani has a lot of promise for only two names, but the whole thing is ruined when you get down to the batters and find ANOTHER Shohei Ohtani. How can it be so special if there are two of them on the same team? Also, “Shohei Ohtani” is all there is. Neither Shohei has a middle name. If you can’t even touch second or third base, how are you ever going to hit a homer?

DC:  I liked Garret Crochet’s name as soon as I heard it pronounced. There isn’t much less baseball-y than crocheting. Other than the “sitting around  with nothing better to do with your hands” part.  I bet there have been relievers who took up crocheting to pass the eons in the bullpen, especially in the olden days when men were men and starters might go 7 or 8 innings. Asdrubal is also a fantastic name. “Asdrubal Crochet” — with a couple of great middle names, this one could get into the finals against Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel.  Maybe “Shed” from Shed Long, and, let’s see, Tristan from McKenzie?  Asdrubal Tristan Shed Crochet? Close-ish, but not enough. 

Flint Hill:  Brusdar Graterol — excellent start. But only one middle name, the pedestrian Javier. Keston Hiura is not far behind as a start… and looky here! The full name is Keston Wee Hing Natsuo Hiura! Wow! 

Let’s look at them side by side:

Keston Wee Hing Natsuo Hiura

Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel

That “Wee Hing” part has a lot of appeal.  And Keston keeps it all from being too monocultural, playing the role Ramiro does in Apostel’s archappelago.  I admit this is a great challenger, but to me the “Natsuo” is a wasted piece. It breaks up the rhythm.  That bit of inefficiency hurts. Apostel is still the clear leader. 

Haviland:  We have a Jesus Luzardo, but according to Baseball Reference his middle name is just “G.”  You can’t enter the contest if you are going to hide your name with an initial. It’s probably something boring like George or Gary.  Tarik Skubal is also a great start.  At least he had the integrity to reveal his middle name (Daniel) even though it doomed him in the competition. 

Kaline:  We have a Darwinzon and Dinelson. And we have a Merryweather, an Urquidy, and a subtle Winker. But these are five different people.  You have to concentrate talent to win a contest like this one. 

Old Detroit:  Before Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel, the Wolverines were suffering. Eloy has a certain élan, and Loaisiga rolls off the tongue, but that’s all we had last year.  We grabbed Ke’Bryan with the first pick of the rookie draft. But even after that coup, every team could still beat Old Detroit’s nomenclatural ennui. Then came Sherten.

Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel is not only winning the league championship, he singlehandedly transforms perhaps the league’s most pedestrian collection of player names. 

Pittsburgh:  I like Packy Naughton’s name, for it’s inexplicability and slightly scandalous air.  But Packy turns out to be just a nickname for Patrick Joseph Naughton. The intrigue evaporates upon inspection.

Portland:  Old favorite Willians Astudillo, with his inexplicably misspelled first name (like Willson Contreras or Welington Castillo).  But El Tortuga’s middle name is just Jose. Just Joe. So I think the last hope to catch Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel in the EFL Most Valuable Name competition is the Rosebuds’ Adbert Alzolay.  It’ll take some great middle monikers to make up the gap… let’s see what AA’s got.

Nah. There’s only one: Marcelo.  Not a bad effort.  If it was Marvelo, and came with something else… maybe Wee Hing. 

Adbert Marvelo Wee Hing Alzolay!  That could be something you’d say amid the most thrilling (and possibly final) sled run of your life. 

And it would almost match Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel. 

Final note: Joe Posnanski praised Rougned Odor’s name pretty highly, almost implying it was the equal of Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel.  But Joe P. was being polite, not wanting to embarrass Rougned.  You see, Mr. Odor’s middle name is Roberto.  Just Bob.  Sherten Wimbert Ramiro Apostel has no such boring bones buried in his closet. 

There may be some other titles left to contest in the EFL, but the Wolverines have won this one.