People are agog over rookie phenom Shohei Ohtani, almost dominating the league in the first two weeks of his career. But we here in the EFL merely smile indulgently. “Oh, yes,” we say. “Ohtani is off to a great start. We’re thinking about bringing him up into the EFL in a couple of weeks, assuming he can keep it up.
“But, frankly, we aren’t all that impressed. We have our own Ohtani-class prodigy in our part of major league baseball, who is shaking the league to its very foundations. And all that stands in his way is a band of marsupials.”
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EFL Standings for 2018
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 8 | 4 | .638 | — | 66.0 | 49.7 |
| Brookland Outs | 8 | 5 | .586 | 0.5 | 71.4 | 60.1 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 6 | 5 | .531 | 1.3 | 50.7 | 47.6 |
| Kaline Drive | 8 | 7 | .526 | 1.3 | 65.5 | 62.2 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 7 | 6 | .522 | 1.4 | 46.7 | 44.7 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 7 | 6 | .509 | 1.5 | 52.3 | 51.4 |
| D.C. Balk | 6 | 6 | .492 | 1.8 | 45.7 | 46.4 |
| Cottage Cheese | 6 | 7 | .457 | 2.2 | 61.3 | 66.8 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 5 | 8 | .406 | 2.9 | 50.7 | 61.4 |
| Haviland Dragons | 6 | 9 | .395 | 3.2 | 63.0 | 77.9 |
| Peshastin Pears | 4 | 9 | .304 | 4.2 | 43.9 | 66.3 |
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Canberra: L, 2 – 7. (.167, .310, .167; 13 ip, 8 er). Statement from the Commissioner’s Office:
“My fellow EFL owners: we face a crisis, the gravest since the rudderless Bugeaters almost won by setting their opening day allocations and never once changing them until, having taken over first place at the end of August, they decided they’d better manage the team. Who could face the implications of being beaten by a man who had ignored his team all summer? We all breathed a sigh of relief when the Wolverines squeezed past the Bugeaters and won by 0.9 games. The sculpture gracing the top of the league trophy is a memorial to Wolverine heroism that year. (I think. It’s been a while since we’ve seen that trophy in the Commissioner’s Office.)
“I can reveal now that the Commissioner’s Office has been alarmed about the Brookland Outs since at least the expansion draft. That alarm only increased when the Outs made shrewd draft after shrewd draft in the Rookie and Free Agent drafts. So the Commissioner’s Office has positioned a key EFL asset just one Metro stop away from the Brookland stadium, and commissioned him (what? did you think “Commissioner” was an empty-title? If a Commissioner can’t commission, what’s the world coming to?) to monitor the Outs and, at all costs, defend the trophy.
“The league will be grateful, as the Outs surge toward the top, to see the Commissioner’s foresight has paid off. Every other EFL franchise having been caught asleep at their posts, the stalwart Kangaroos are the only thing standing between the league and utter anarchy.
“The league would be even more encouraged if the ‘Roos would stay awake as the peril approaches. We will need more than 4 for 24 with no extra bases and 5 walks to prevent the Outrage of an expansion team beating 10 veteran franchises. We can’t have any more quadruple chulks from Dellin Betances (2/3 of an inning, 3 earned runs).”
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Brookland: W, 13 – 6. (.382. .447, .853; 1 ip, 0 er). Everything the Shohei Ohtani of EFL owners does pans out. Snag Aaron Hicks? He goes 2 for 3 with a homer and two walks. Swipe Gregory Polanco from the inattentive Wolverines? He opens the season OPSing 1.009, with 5 homers, trailing only Bryce Harper among major leaguers. Pick up Reyes Moronta, someone we’d never heard of here in the Commissioner’s Office, even though we compile the draft lists? He still hasn’t allowed an earned run. Outbid the league for Manny Machado? He turns into Edgar Martinez with a gold glove — at shortstop! Someone needs to put one in the Outs’ ribs, to teach him a little respect for his EFL elders.
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Pittsburgh: DNP. 0 – (-1). (.268, .311, .341; 6 ip, 2 er). From the Commissioner’s Office:
“My fellow EFL Owners: If you were counting on the Alleghenys to maintain order in their strongman leader kind of way, you’d better reassess the situation. Sure, the Alleghenys are now in third place. But the Outs bounded away while the Allegheny’s napped in their recliner chairs Friday. The Outs are closer to putting the bite on the Kangaroos than the Alleghenys are to putting the Outs back on a leash.”
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Kaline: W, 6 – 5. (.255, .294, .532; 7 ip, 4 er). Todd Frazier went three for three with 2 homers and a walk for a rare 4.000 OPS day. James McCann (2.167 OPS) and Steve Pearce (1.500 OPS) were Frazier’s sidekicks, kicking in just enough to lift the Drive to a narrow win after Marcus Stroman stumbled for 5 ip, 4 er.
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Old Detroit: W, 5 – 4. (.236, .271, .491; 6 ip 3 er). The W’s piled up 58 plate appearances Friday, apparently trying to make up in volume what they lacked in quality. Someone needs to tell the Wolverine ownership this is not how the EFL works. Honestly: how can you expect the Commissioner to prevent a demoralizing abdication to an EXPANSION team if owners are going to be as brain dead as these hopeless Woeverines? Are we all supposed to be impressed that Dan Vogelbach finally hit his first MLB home run? Tiny shortstop Nick Ahmed homered, too, and has a .918 OPS on the year, compared to Vogelbach’s .670. So whoopdedoo. If the so-called W’s are going to help defend the trophy from barbarian invaders, we need to see a lot more from Old Detroit.
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Portland: “W”, 3 – 4. (.200, .245, .320; no pitching). No pitching! What is going on? We anointed you the pre-season favorites, we let you bilk just about every team in the league to assemble a star-studded lineup, and figured you’d keep the Outs in their place. But here you are, trailing even the Woeverines! Wake up! That trophy, which was supposed to be yours for the taking, is in danger of falling into the wrong hands.
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D.C.: L, 4 – 8. (.256, .293, .410; 5.3 ip, 6 er) For a while there it looked like the Balk would be bird-dogging their upstart capitol-area neighbors. But D.C. took an untimely tumble Friday. They were mediocre at the plate — definitely in the pattern we have come to expect from more established teams like the Wolverines lately. But Mike Clevinger collapsed on the mound ( I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you — he’s fine as far as I know except he gave up 4 er in 4 ip), and the bullpen made things worse with Alex Wilson’s sextuple chulk (0.3 ip, 2 er).
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Cottage: L, 4 – 7. (.231, .286, .346; 6 ip, 5 er). Tyler Mahle coughed up 5 er in 5.3 ip, and the Cheese offense as a team (6 for 26, with a .632 OPS) followed their superstar’s lead (Trout: 1 for 4, .650 OPS). Franchy Cordero homered, but that was pretty much it for Cheesy highlights. The Cheese heads the list of teams in danger of being non-factors in the dramas of the pennant race — can we put off what might be a long era of Out dominance for one more season? Will the Rosebuds live up to their hype? Will this finally be the Year of the Kangaroo? All that will be happening off somewhere else while the Irrelevant Ones moulder in the leagues’ dank basement? Are you content with this, O Cheese?
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Flint Hill: “L”, 3 – 1. (.130, .259, .391; 9 ip, 2 er). Khris Davis tried to destroy the M’s last night, homering twice and driving in three runs. The rest of the Tornado hitters were content to spectate. Tyson Ross twirled 6 scoreless innings. The T’s disguised their win as a loss, but we are not fooled.
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Haviland: W, 4 – 3. (.276, .294, .310; 12.7 ip, 6 er). On one hand Vincent Velasquez spun 6.7 innings of 1 earned run. On the other Yu Darvish ushered 4 er across the plate in 4.7 ip. On one hand Zack Cosart and Ian Kinsler both went 3 for 4 (Kinsler with 2 stolen bases). On the other hand, the rest of the team went 2 for 21. Superstar Bryce Harper went 0 for 3.
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Peshastin: W, 6 – 6. (.273, .351, .545; 1.3 ip, 0 er). Mitch Haniger answered Khris Davis’ two homers with one three-run blast of his own, leading the Pears to a narrow win (and, with Vogelbach’s help, the Mariners to a bigger win).
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As of this morning, of the 91 innings the Pears have compiled over their 13 games, 47.3 are by replacements. Those replacement have allowed 39.2 earned runs. Adjusted for our standings (ie, multiplied by 9/7 and adding in unearned runs), they account for about 51 runs allowed . Only 6 non-replacement Pears have appeared this month, with an ERA of 2.46. If the team had enough pitchers of their quality to avoid replacements (admittedly a BIG if), their runs allowed (66.3 so far) would drop by half to about 33. (The Pears have an outstanding team defense of 41.0, which seriously suppresses runs allowed.) They would have 43.9 runs scored and about 33 runs allowed for a winning percentage of .639. They’d be 8 – 5, in second place, about 0.1 games out.
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It’s shaping up so far as a tragedy. The Pears could have been in the race, another line of defense against the barbarian invasion.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2018
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Boston Red Sox | 11 | 2 | .846 | — |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 9 | 5 | .643 | 2.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 7 | 6 | .522 | 4.2 |
| New York Yankees | 7 | 7 | .500 | 4.5 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 5 | 8 | .406 | 5.7 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 5 | 9 | .357 | 6.5 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 3 | 10 | .231 | 8 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| New York Mets | 11 | 1 | .917 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 8 | 4 | .638 | 3.3 |
| Atlanta Braves | 8 | 5 | .615 | 3.5 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 7 | 5 | .583 | 4 |
| D.C. Balk | 6 | 6 | .492 | 5.1 |
| Washington Nationals | 6 | 8 | .429 | 6 |
| Miami Marlins | 4 | 9 | .308 | 7.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Minnesota Twins | 7 | 4 | .636 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 8 | 6 | .571 | 0.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 6 | 5 | .531 | 1.2 |
| Detroit Tigers | 4 | 8 | .333 | 3.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 4 | 9 | .308 | 4 |
| Kansas City Royals | 3 | 9 | .250 | 4.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 9 | 4 | .692 | — |
| Brookland Outs | 8 | 5 | .586 | 1.4 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 7 | 7 | .500 | 2.5 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 7 | 7 | .500 | 2.5 |
| Chicago Cubs | 6 | 7 | .462 | 3 |
| Cottage Cheese | 6 | 7 | .457 | 3.1 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 2 | 11 | .154 | 7 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Los Angeles Angels | 12 | 3 | .800 | — |
| Houston Astros | 10 | 4 | .714 | 1.5 |
| Seattle Mariners | 7 | 4 | .636 | 3 |
| Kaline Drive | 8 | 7 | .526 | 4.1 |
| Haviland Dragons | 6 | 9 | .395 | 6.1 |
| Oakland A’s | 5 | 9 | .357 | 6.5 |
| Texas Rangers | 4 | 11 | .267 | 8 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 10 | 3 | .769 | — |
| Colorado Rockies | 8 | 7 | .533 | 3 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 7 | 6 | .509 | 3.4 |
| San Francisco Giants | 6 | 7 | .462 | 4 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 4 | 8 | .333 | 5.5 |
| San Diego Padres | 5 | 10 | .333 | 6 |
| Peshastin Pears | 4 | 9 | .304 | 6 |