Mr. EFL Answer Man’s Fan(tasy) Mail Box

Mr. EFL Answer Man’s mailbox has been kinda empty lately.  Poor Mr. EFL Answer Man. He goes out and checks his actual mailbox every day — Mr. EFL Answer Man is a little bit addle-brained — and finds nothing but bills and junk mail. Then he remembers!  His mailbox is a virtual mailbox! So he goes back in and checks his email.  But usually, it’s empty, too.

Mr. EFL Answer Man has been moping about this for days.  But this morning he had an epiphany.  The EFL is a fantasy league.  Why would a fantasy league Mr. EFL Answer Man need real letters, or even virtual letters.  All he needs is fantasy letters.

What a liberating thought!  Mr EFL Answer Man is practically giddy today.

 

 

Old Detroit:  DNP,  0 – 0.  .167, .219, .433;  7 ip, 3 er.  

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man: 

The W’s have been in first place continuously for over 2 weeks now, but you haven’t once characterized them as evil or tyrannical or even domineering.  The Alleghenys haven’t been in first place for over 8 months and yet you still continually cast them as vile hegemons. Why can’t you be even a little bit fair?

— Please Be Fair

Dear Mr. Fair:

Your point is well-taken.  I should be more fair.  How’s this?

The highly enviable Wolverines, who have utterly dominated first place for 15 days now, had a sucky day at the plate, only got pitching from a guy in the minors, and still didn’t move more than a tenth of an inch in their stats.  Does this smell right to you? Are these wretches overweening Wolverines shrewdly working the system in their favor, or Possums pretending to power yet playing dead in ditches at the first sign of trouble?

— Mr. EFL Answer Man

Dear MEFLAM:

Enviable? Utterly dominated? Overweening? Shrewd? Pretending to Power?  Yes, that’s much better.  Thanks, MEFLAM — it’s as sweet as I always dreamed it would be.  You’ll have my vote in the next election for Commissioner. 

—  Fair Enough

 

Haviland: “W”, 3 – 4. .217, .250, .261. 0 ip, 0 er. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

Hey, could you do that for me, too?

— Justice for Kansans, Too

Dear Mr. Too:

Why? What have you done lately that demonstrates insatiable lust for power combined with dominance in the standings? You can’t even field a minor league pitcher on a slow day in MLB. If you think winning the championship once a long time ago puts you into the Allegheny class of league villains, you are sadly mistaken.  String together some W’s without those wimpy quote marks, and we can talk.

— MEFLAM

 

Peshastin: “L”, 3 – 2. .214, .241, .393; 8 ip, 1 er. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

Did you notice Chris Sale went 8 innings, struck out 14, walked 1, and ended up surrendering only 1 earned run? And by the way, I’m jealous of your new beard. You look just like Dustin Ackley, or at least how he will look 30 years from now. 

— Wannabe in Wenatchee

Dear Wannabe:

Yes.

— MEFLAM

 

Flint Hill:  DNP, (-4) – 0.  .143, .143, .190. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

So how’d you like my sermon?  Now are you convinced we need an EFL Chaplain, and that I’m the man for the job?  I could uncork a homily like that every week, as long as I don’t run out of kids to practically write them for me.  What do you think?

— Rev. J. J. Tornado, D. Min

Dear Mr. Rev:

You should probably either pitch, or hit. No one ever won without doing at least one of the two.

— MEFLAM

 

Cottage: W 0, L 2; 7 – 10. .333, 500, .667; 7.7 ip, 3 er.

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

I feel a lament coming on.  Would you like to hear it?

— Curdled

 Dear Curdled:

I have never before seen a team field exactly one hitter and exactly one pitcher, not even on a day off.  That’s pretty sad, even though both players had good lines.  So lament away whenever and however you feel like doing it.

— MEFLAM

 

Pittsburgh: W 0, L (-1); (-5) – (-6).   .211, .348, .263;  18.0 ip,  15 er.

 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

 Everything that has been dear to me the last eleven years you’ve just awarded my prized possession to a lowly, flea-bitten mammal.  Life suddenly tastes like dust.  Can I join in on Cottage’s lament, or write one of my own? 

— Woebegone in Pittsburgh

Dear Mr. Woebegone:

I can sort of feel the first hint of some future empathy stirring in my soul. Check back in 11 years and we’ll see what’s become of it.  Just be careful not to slip back into your old league-dominating patterns of behavior before then, or there will be no laments for you.

— MEFLAM

 

Kaline: W, 3 – 3; .357, .357, .357;  8 ip, 2 er.  

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man: 

Jace Peterson went 2 for 5 last night.  Neener, neener. 

— Wiz

Dear Wiz:

I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was neening.  Thanks for the warning.  Oh, and I have some stats you might enjoy:

Jace Peterson’s season line: .265, .338, .337.  Not bad. You have every right to be pleased with his first MLB season.

Kolten Wong’s season line:  .307, .357, .474.  We’re doing ok at second base.

Justin Upton’s season line: .291, .364, .502.  We find ourselves for the moment not regretting having kept him.

Say hi to Mrs. Wiz for me.

— MEFLAM

 

Canberra:  W 1, L (-1); 2 – 0.  .333, .375, .467; 1 ip, 1 er. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

Really?  Like Dustin Ackley 30 years from now? Whatever happened to Dennis Eckersley?  You’ll have to send me a picture. Because that must mean I look something like Dustin Ackley 3 years from now. 

— Chip Off the Old Blockhead

Dear COOB:

Sure — see for yourself.

Perhaps you don’t agree.  But be advised: Dave Adrian said today at lunch I looked like Ackley — or at least, more like Ackley than like Tom Selleck, which someone else accused me of resembling. Tom Selleck!  Bah!

— MEFLAM

 

Portland: “L”, 3 – 2.  .263, .263, .368;  6 ip, 0 er.

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

Help!

— Rosebust

Dear Mr. Rosebust:

All of our attendants are busy now. But be assured your call is impor holy cow! What has happened to your team?  I thought it was going to contend for the title.  It looks like a Tornado tore through  and trashed everything.  Zimm only 1 for 18 for the month?!?  Super Prospect Betts running a .477 OPS in June?!  Mike Wright sent to the minors the day after I called him your “ace” because he was the only starter with a single-digit ERA for the month (9.00)?!?  And it was such a beautiful team!  uh, be assured that your call is important to us.  Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

— MEFLAM

 

 

 

 

 

 

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