May the Fourth Be With You

I did not make up the title to this post.  My middle son, Ben, said this to me this morning. I responded with my typical paternal acuity:

“Huh?”

“Come on, Dad. Maaay theee fourrrth beee withhh youuuu. Get it? It’s May the Fourth.”

“It is?”

“Star Wars fans all over the world will be saying that today.”

“Saying what?”

At that point he gave up.  In my defense I was driving him and Sam to school at the time of this conversation, so a large part of my mental capacity was focused on not killing them or any of the other middle schoolers waiting at various bus stops along the way.  And further in my defense, I figured everything out all by myself before we finished the 4 mile drive to school.  To wit:  Today is May the Fourth.  It is with me right now and will be all day.  It may be with you, too, although you may want to check local conditions to be sure.

The Star Wars angle is still a little vague, but I think this fact may be critical: Kylo Ren’s given name was Ben.

Canberra:  W 2, L (-1); 6 – 0.   (.250, .362, .625;  8 ip, 0 er).  Martin Perez and two relievers spun the 8 shutout innings that elevate the ‘Roos into the top spot.  Now I have lived to see the day when my oldest son’s Kangaroos take over first place.  I can die in peace. So can members of the Percentarian sect. Given how special today is in Canberra, here is my heartfelt wish: that first place May Be With You henceForth. Of course, by “henceforth” I mean “until the Wolverines catch you.”

Haviland:  DNP, 1 – 0. (.205, .262, .205; 2.7 ip, 0 er).  Not a bad day in the abstract.  In the concrete, however, it wasn’t so hot. Only one Dragon showed up ready to play: Paul Goldschmidt (2 for 3 with a walk).  I guess Buck Farmer showed up, too, to pitch 2 scoreless innings in relief, but the Dragons only had him allocated for 50% so Farmer had to pitch that second inning on a practice field  somewhere.  Given what has happened, I would guess that a Dragon fan would take “May the Fourth Be With You” as a filthy curse.

Old Detroit:  DNP, 0 – 0. (.250, .295, .425;  10.3 ip, 8 er).  If you are suspicious of how a team can score precisely 0 runs and give up 0 with these stat lines, join the club.  There are three possible explanations:  extreme luck, a Commissioner plot to suppress bad news about the Wolverines, or a rebellion by the database against its human oppressors.  You will note that I have arranged these explanations in order of likelihood.

However, it turns out in this case that option C (the cyber-rebellion) is the actual cause.  Remember yesterday how we discovered the database had begun giving us one fewer game than the top MLB team in our division? And how it had tried to stop our update by accusing of dividing by zero when some of our teams were treated (erroneously) as having 0 games in May? Well, the database is still acting up.  Dave administered some of his drugs to try to force the computer back into docile obedience by forcing the computer to skip over teams with 0 games rather than throw up makeshift roadblocks and refuse to let the standings pass.  Dave’s drug worked!  The Wolverines showed up still accused of not having played any games (we’re innocent!), the database said “hmm, no games, we’ll skip this team for today”), and the W’s are frozen where they were yesterday.

Dave is going to try to get down to the root cause of the cyber-rebellion, so our updates can work as meekly and reliably as they always have. Good luck with your efforts, Dave. Forthwith May You Be successful.

Pittsburgh: DNP, (-6) – 0.  (.158, .233, .158; 11.7 ip, 6 er.)  Nick Castellanos is still raking: 2 for 4 for a .500, .500, .500 batting line.  Mike Trout was precisely half the player Castellanos was yesterday: 1 for four , going .250, .250, .250.  If this is what happens to the Alleghenys on May the Fourth, then I have only one thing to say: May the Fourth Be With You Forever.

Portland: “L”, 6 – 5. (.286, .310, .536;  0 ip, 0 er).  Carlos Gomes got his 2.000 OPS by going 2 for 3 with two doubles.  Aaron Hill got his 2.000 OPS much more efficiently by hitting a single in his only trip to the plate. New Rosebud Steve Pearce tried going 2 for 4 with a homer, but that only got him to a 1.750 OPS.  Still, it was a good start. Rosebud fans, take heart! Pearce henceForth May Be With You.

Flint Hill: DNP, 0 – 0. (.231, .310, .500; 24.3 ip, 9 er)  Samardzija and Iwakuma led the T’s with 15 ip and 2 earned runs between them.  The Tornados are stuck in the same time warp as the Wolverines, for the same reason.  The Wolverines at least have the consolation that time froze for them while they sit atop the AL East. In the Tornados’ case, the static field locks them into fourth place in the AL East.  It’s beginning to look like the Flint Hill will Be With Fourth for all of May.

Peshastin: L, 3 – 4. (.220, .267, .415; 6 ip 5 er)  Nick Tropeano messed things up for Peshastin with his 5 ip, 5 er clunker. Tropeano had a rough third inning, giving up 2 runs on a Kangaroo Chris Carter homer.  Things got worse in the fifth inning:  another two-run homer, to Kangaroo Jonathan LuCroy, followed two pitches later by another blast from Chris Carter.  But between those two awful, awful innings lay a peaceful, quiet, green fourth inning — two strikeouts, a walk, and a pop-up.  Maybe Nick wishes the Fourth could have Been With Him always.

Cottage: L, 2- 4. (.139, .205, .250; 21 ip, 10 er.) Sonny Gray should have had a great day. He was facing the traditionally meek Mariners. But he allowed four (!)  runs in seven innings.  Then he went out to face the M’s in the eighth — which is really just the second fourth.  The first three batters reached safely. Rather than letting him face the fourth batter, a reliever came in to pitch to Kyle Seager.  Seager blasted a homer, saddling Gray with his fifth, sixth, and seventh earned runs. That Fourth hitter, even though Gray didn’t face him, May Be With him for quite some time.

Kaline: DNP, (-1) – 1. (205, .311, .321; 4.3 ip, 3 earned runs.) Someone took Tommy Milone out of the game in his fourth inning just in time for Carson Smith to prevent the fourth run from scoring.  Someone was looking out for Milone  and the Drive so the Fours May not Be With him.

D.C.:  “L”, 5 – 2. (.185, .290, .444; 11 ip, 3 er).  Things are looking up when your team can be given a phony loss while outscoring its opponents 5 – 2.  It means somewhere in the froth of numbers deep in the database, something broke against the Balk and stuck them with a loss. But in the process the rounding errors realign so they are on the verge of giving you a win.  Next time, May the Froth Be With You.