Caveat Competitor

WARNING:  Today’s update is not only meaningless (because it’s so early in the month, so our rotations haven’t rotated, etc.), it’s also fraudulent. To make the update work I was forced, coerced against my will despite all my struggles, to add a fake win to the Red Sox and a fake loss to the White Sox.  This was necessary so three of our teams (the Tornados and Wolverines in the AL East, and the Alleghenys in the AL Central) could record having a game played in May.  Without that the database throws a tantrum and refuses to do its job, accusing us of trying to divide by zero and various other unspeakable crimes.

Why a win to the Red Sox, and not a loss? Because there are some Red Sox fans in the league and my family needs me.  Why a loss to the White Sox, and not a win? To make the cosmic books balance, and no one cares about the White Sox.

And why did this problem crop up this month, and not any other months?  Because for some reason the database has suddenly started setting our teams’ total games to the number of games the top MLB team in our division has played, minus 1.  Clearly we’ve been hacked by ISIS, which would have caused the collapse of western civilization had we not thwarted them.

You are all the finest patriots, taking your suffering stoicly.  Because what you have here are fraudulent meaningless fantasy standings. In for a penny, in for a pound, I guess.  And they’re voting in Indiana today, too — but of course, these two facts are totally unrelated. Totally.

Haviland:  W, 4 – 3. (.302, .377, . 434;  17.7 ip 6 er).  Another win for the Dragons.  Miguel Sano is off to a hot .571, .667, .857 start in May. Geovany Soto, the consolation prize for the Dragons when they lost the bidding on Brett Nicholas, is 3 for 8 with a home and a walk — a 1.194 OPS.  So there! And he was just one of 5 players with OPSes of 1.000 or better. The only break in the Dragons’ rampage across the landscape?  Alex Colome’s cute little triple chulk (0.7 ip, 2 er).

Canberra: L, 3 – 3. (.268, .307, .437;  6.3 ip, 2 er).  Will the Kangaroos ever take undisputed possession of first place?  Will their Percentarian fans nurse bitter grievance over the refusal of the EFL brass to recognize the ‘Roos as the rightful EFL April champions?  I hope there is a day soon when Canberra can wear the crown as undisputed Monarchs for a Day. That day will come sooner if Bryce Harper gets out of his 1 for 8 snit.  Newest ‘Roo Byung-ho Park made an honest effort to cover for Harper: 3 for 6 with a homer and two walks.

Old Detroit:  W, 13 – 2. (.347, .439, .653: Happy Edgar Martinez Day!  For Reals!  This is NOT part of the fraudulence I was talking about earlier.  13 ip, 2 er).  There is nothing to any rumors you might hear that I was willingly “coerced” to commit the fraud so I could gloat about the great start the W’s have had here in May.  This is NOT true!  If I was doing this to gloat, then why aren’t I gloating?

Well, as long as we’re here: Brett Nicholas went 1 for 2 with a homer and TWO walks, earning a 2.750 OPS and a last minute promotion to 100% activation this month. So there back at you. And he was one of SIX Wolverines OPSing 1.000 or better. The whole team had a 1.092 OPS for the two days.

Pittsburgh:  W, 14 – 5.  (.345, .381, .741  18.3 ip, 10 er). Seven Alleghenys OPSed 1.000 or better, led by  Brett Lawrie’s 3 for 3 with a double, a homer and two walks. Mike Trout also played big: 5 for 10 with a homer and a double. David Price stumbled on the mound (7 ip, 6 er), but the rest of the pitching staff picked him up.

Portland: “W”, 4 – 5. (.288, .406, .308; 31.3 ip, 14 er) 15 for 52 isn’t terrible, especially if it comes with 10 walks and a HBP.  But there was only one extra-base hit — a double.  Jason Hammel brought his 0.75 ERA to the Rosebuds, but surrendered as many earned runs in 5 innings for Portland as he had in 24 innings for the Cubs before the trade. This could be an omen.

Flint Hill:  L,  3 – 3. (.250, .325, .333; 15 ip, 3 er)  Tornado management pled with the Commissioner yesterday for more recognition in EFL Updates.  Let’s see… Xander Bogaerts led the team offensively going 3 for 5 with a double.  That’s a fine Edgar Martinez Day for him, but not really enough to make headlines by itself.  How about among the pitchers? Well, yes, something does stand out: Tony Cingrani pitched in relief. He struck out his man.  But he also pitched to two other guys. One walked.  The other got a hit.  Eventually both scored, giving Cingrani a nice miniature triple chulk.

Peshastin: W, 4 – 2. (.242, .299, .419; 23.7 ip, 5 er).   Lots and lots of good pitching — that 1.90 ERA spread out over so many innings will sustain the Pears for a couple more days!  The hitting wasn’t consistent, but there was something there to work with to get a win.  Javier Baez went 2 for 2, but I was watching that game.  He took some flak from friendly announcers for poor base running (getting thrown out at third) and poor fielding.  I wonder… Baez flopped last year because he was striking out so much.  Now this further evidence.  Is he kind of absent-minded? Undisciplined? Distracted? Lazy?  In other words, is he trying to replace me?

Cottage: “W”, 3 – 8.  (.226, .293, .340; 12.3 ip, 10 er.)  Nathan Eovaldi followed up his near-no-hitter by allowing 10 hits and 3 walks in 5 innings pitched, leading t0 6 earned runs.  His partner Kendall Graveman surrendered 10 hits and 1 walk in 6.3 innings pitched, allowing only 4 runs.

Kaline:  W, 6 – 3. (.243, .354, .429; 13 ip, 3 er.) With 82 plate appearances in two days, the Drive are on pace to never have to worry about replacement players hitting. And they were solid plate appearances, too.  And it is so good to see Marcus Stroman go 8 innings with only 1 earned run.  He’s an inspiration to all players cruelly cut down just as they were beginning their EFL careers.  Hmmmm.  A hero like Stroman playing on the same EFL team as the assassin Fowler.  I think my brain is going to explode.

D.C.: “W”, 3 – 5. (.256, .273, .419; 7 ip, 2 er). The Balk were ahead 3 – 2 when their individually-identifiable pitchers ran out of gas.  At that point they had only gotten 2.3 starter innings (Delgado for 1.3, May for 1.0).  So they had to trot out 2.7 more innings of replacement pitching.  They were enough to save the official “win” but Balkans know in their hearts what really happened.