The Honorary EWIE

EFL Standings for 2016

Old Detroit: “W”, 4 – 7. (.231 , .383, .385;  7 ip, 6 er).  Despite the Bradley Bump that surged the Wolverines into first place, May has been a month dominated by decay atop the standings. Another pitching collapse (this time by Corey Kluber) sank the W’s closer to their rivals.

Haviland: W, 11 – 7. (.452, .541, .645; 7 ip, 5 er).  The Dragons started May by dropping out of first place.  They tried to end it by surging back in.  They sent 11 men to the plate Tuesday.  All of them reached base safely at least once.  Seven of the 11 OPSed 1.000 or better.  True, Kevin Gausman tried to give it all back, even serving up homers to the first two men he faced. (I drowsed a bit writing that last sentence, and originally ended it “the first two men effaced.”)   But he “recovered” to go 6 with 5 earned runs.  And Justin Wilson ended his Haviland career with un-dragonish grace, twirling a perfect scoreless inning in relief.

Canberra: L, 0 – 6. (.111, .163, .222;  7.3 ip, 4 er).  The Commissioner’s Office formally apologizes for the Jackie Bradley debacle, and wants to encourage the Kangaroos not to let it discourage them.  The Wolverines are weak. You can still beat them.  You just have to quit generating team OPSes of .385, and send Shawn Armstrong back to wherever he was so he’ll stop loading you down with 1 ip, 1 er performances like his season debut.  (I am not as confident about the weakness of the Dragons, however, s0 maybe the situation IS hopeless.)

Pittsburgh:  W, 8 – 5. (.364, .447, .515; 0 IP 1 ER).  Fernando Abad did his best to sabotage the Alleghenys, but it was a puny effort compared to the Mike Trout-led (2 for 3 with a homer and two walks) offensive surge.  The Alleghenys sensed weakness above them and rose to the occasion.

Portland: W, 10 – 5.  (.333, .409, 1.076; 6 ip, 3 er) The Rosebuds also surged opportunistically, making themselves the fifth EFL team within 2.5 games of the lead.  I challenged Mookie Betts yesterday to step it up so he could be a worthy member of Boston’s Killer B’s.  Well — look at this:  3 for 5 with three home runs!  In a single day Betts improved his May OPS from .846 to .927!  As Commissioner, I am of course available to give motivational speeches to any EFL player. Just let me know who on your team needs that little boost.

Flint Hill: L, 1 – 4. (.200, .238, .275; 14 ip, 6 er).  Wow! That didn’t take long. The ink had barely dried on the pixels in the previous paragraph (that is how it works, right? Ink on pixels?) when the Top Tornado contacted me.  Aside from Marcus Simian — I mean, Semien — who went 2 for 4 with a double, the entire Tornado offense earned a pep talk yesterday.  So the Tornados missed their chance to crowd into the thick of the pennant race with everyone eles.  But I can only inspire one player per team at a time, or the effect gets diluted.  Here, let me try this:  “Hey Byron Buxton!  Congratulations on your re-re-re-re promotion to the big leagues. Now try to visualize yourself as an Ex-Wolverine Infielder so you can get the Ex-Wolverine Infielder Effect. No, it won’t do to just remember your days in the Wolverine outfield — that would make it the EWOE, which doesn’t seem to have any positive effect.  You have to imagine yourself as a EWIE for it to work… I hereby bestow upon thee, Byron B. Buxton, the title of Honorary EWIE. “

There. That ought to fix him.

Peshastin:  L, 8 – 8. (.313, .476, .594 — Happy EM Day!; 0 ip 2 er). Ouch. I singled out Cam Bedrosian for recognition yesterday.  Then he immediately went out and infinitely chulked. I am so sorry.  Mookie Betts took it fine. How was I supposed to know it would ruin Cam’s day and spoil what should have been a Pear victory, built on Seth Smith’s two-homer-and-a-walk part in the Mariner’s 16-4 win?

Cottage: W (-1), L 1; (-3) – 5.  (.152, .147, .455;  13 ip, 12 er).  Good thing for the Cheese  they didn’t have a game scheduled yesterday, or they’d have been hit much harder by that awful pitching line, at the heart of which lies a Drew Smyly chulk (4 ip, 8 earned runs).  Time for a Commissioner’s Special Pep Talk!  “Hey Drew!  Be of good cheer! At least you weren’t as bad as James Shields, who went 2.2 innings and gave up 10 earned runs.”  There. He’ll do much better next time, I’m sure.

Kaline:  L, 1 – 9. (.162, .256, .270;  1 ip, 3 er).  Brad Miller tried to carry the offense (3 for 5, double, triple) but too few teammates pitched in.  Or too many — the pitches Dellin Betances and Hunter Cervenka pitched in were putrid, leading to a tidy team triple chulk.  Hmmm.  Whom should I pep up — Betances or Cervenka?  What a pair of great last names!  Betances and Cervenka.  They should be a law firm, maybe in Panama or someplace like that.

D.C. :   W, 6 – 5. (.333, .345, .704 !!;  10.3 ip, 6 er).  Wow — what an amazing offensive performance.  The three studs were Gerardo Parra (3 for 4 with a double and a homer), Corey Seager (3 for 5 with a homer) and Franklin Gutierrez (one for three with a homer). And I didn’t even give any of them pep talks.  Hey — there’s Mitch Moreland, who only went 1 for 4.  He’s a EWIE — about as much as the greatest EWIE of them all (Jose Altuve).  He was on the Wolverine roster for a while one offseason, between trades. “Hey Mitch: don’t forget who you are: a genuine EWIE.  Now go out there and hit like one.”