EFL All-Stars Exposed!

Haviland: L, 3 – 6. (.194, .293, .361;  15.3 ip, 8 er).  The Dragons tried to give away the EFL lead. Seven Dragons combined to go 0 for 17 and Chris Archer stank (6 ip, 5 er).  Probably the Dragons were trying to set things aright: they only have 3 All-Stars, none of them starting.  And here’s a truly scandalous fact I heard yesterday while listening to Kansas City get beaten by the Mariners to end the M’s 10-game road losing streak:  “All-Star” Kelvin Herrera is only the THIRD-string closer for the Royals.  What an imposter!

Old Detroit: W, 6 – 5.  (.240, .316, .480; 14.7 ip, 6 er).  Not that being an imposter All-Star is bad or anything.  Just ask Royal Chulker “All-Star” Wolverine Will Harris, he of the 4 runs in 1/3 of an inning. Not too many players can move a team a half game in the standings in 1/3 of an inning, so at least there is something special about him.

Portland: “L”, 9 – 8. (.347, .419, .592;  26.3 ip, 15 er).  Chris Sale is an All-Star, for the Rosebuds as we were emphatically reminded the other day. Supposedly. I mean, supposedly an All-Star.  I am willing to believe, for now, that he’s a Rosebud.  But would an All-Star uncork 5 ip, 8 earned runs allowed? That was 10 hits, including 3 homers.  Even Will Harris quit at 4 earned runs.

Pittsburgh: W, 6 – 0. (.273, .353, .386;  11.3 ip, 3 er).  Let’s see — about which Allegheny All-Star can we dish some dirt.  How about Stephen Strasburg?  He doesn’t share!  His record is 12 – 0 so far. He hogs all the wins. And he’s not going to pitch in the All-Star game. Why not?  He’ll have had three days of rest by then.  What a wimp.

Canberra:  W, 11 – 4. (.342, .422, .895; 1.7 ip, 0 er).  Bryce Harper calls himself an All-Star?  Hah!  The Kangaroos had six hitters yesterday with OPSes over 1.000.  Bryce Harpers wasn’t one of them.   The next three angaroos OPSed between .400 and .667. Bryce Harper wasn’t one of those, either. None of those were Bryce Harper, who walked and made three outs for a .250 OPS.  True, Adeiny Hechavarria went 0 for 3, which is unbelievably low for a EWIE, but Adeiny is one-of-a-kind.  And not an All-Star.

Peshastin:  L, 5 – 5. (.237, .326, .579; 2 ip, 0 er). Yasmani Grandal hit three homers yesterday. But he’s not an All-Star. The Pears have two All-Stars, pitchers Danny Salazar and Max Scherzer.  They lead the league among starting pitchers for z’s.   Which probably explains why neither appeared in yesterday’s game when the Pears needed just a little boost to get the win.  They were off somewhere, in hammocks, snoozing Griffey-style.

Flint Hill:  W, 3 – 3.  (.207, .226, .448;  12.7 ip, 4 er). The Tornados entered the day 42-42 with a .500 winning percentage.  They ended the day 43-42 with a .500 winning percentage.  They scored exactly 2.8 runs and allowed exactly 2.8 runs.  This is the 13th year of the EFL. I’ve never seen a team balance so precisely on the .500 mark for so long.  I’m rooting for them to keep it up. By the way, putative Xander Bogaerts didn’t look the part yesterday: 1 for 4 with a caught stealing and a strikeout.  That’s pretty much indistinguishable from an honest 0 for 4.

Cottage: L, 5 – 13. (.263, .341, .421;  9.7 ip, 12 er). Were there any Cheesy All-Stars caught in the blender with the the rest of the Cheese yesterday. Wil Myers was in there doing his best to carry his team:  2 for 4 with a walk. But Addison Russell didn’t help a bit: 0 for 4 deadweight, one more person Myers had to rescue from the rubble.

Kaline: W, 7 – 5. (.300, 378, .400; 6 ip, 3 er).  The Drive have the highest All-Star-to-position-in-the-standings ratio of anyone in the league.  Saunders was certainly healthy yesterday (2 for 3 with a walk), and Kris Bryant lived up to his All-Star billing, too (2 for 4 with a double and a walk). Perhaps reliever Dellin Betances can be forgiven for being a no-show yesterday, but what was Yoenis Cespedes’ excuse for “contributing” only one strikeout to the Drive cause?  But never mind about Cespedes: no-one can match the fifth Drive “All-Star” for nefariousity (nefarity?):  that distinction goes to All-Star mugger Dexter F0wler! Who, in a nod toward justice, is on the DL. (MLB doesn’t even make the obliquest reference to Fowler’s criminal record. See what I mean about their journalistic standards?)

 D.C.:  L, 2 – 3. (.182 .263, .242;  7.3 ip, 2 er).  Corey Seager is a deserving All-Star, not at all one of those pity picks just to give a struggling team a representative at the game.  Corey didn’t look like it yesterday (0 for 4) but he at least got a walk, and we’ve seen plenty of others do no better.  His All-Star blurb says Seager leads the Dodgers in the main offensive categories; the same is true for the Balk, where Seager’s .882 OPS is the tops.

AMERICAN LEAGUE
Starters
C: Salvador Perez, Rosebuds
1B: Eric Hosmer, Royals
2B: Jose Altuve, Alleghenys
3B: Manny Machado, Wolverines
SS: Xander Bogaerts, Tornados
OF: Mookie Betts, Rosebuds
OF: Jackie Bradley Jr., Wolverines
OF: Mike Trout, Alleghenys
DH: David Ortiz, Red Sox

Reserves
C: Stephen Vogt, Athletics #
C: Matt Wieters, Orioles ^
1B: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers ^
2B: Robinson Cano, Mariners ^
3B: Josh Donaldson, Blue Jays ^
SS: Francisco Lindor, Indians ^
SS: Eduardo Nunez, Twins #
OF: Carlos Beltran, Yankees ^
OF: Ian Desmond, Rosebuds
OF: Michael Saunders,  Drive

OF: Mark Trumbo, Orioles ^
DH: Edwin Encarnacion, Blue Jays ^