Me and P.J. Work In Aphorisms

You probably think I’m going to write about me and P.J. Martinez.  After all, he and I have a history. I drafted him when he was a rookie in the old league, much to Don Powers’ dismay.  I was dumbfounded when he was traded for Delino Deshields by the Deranged Dodgers. I was frustrated when he ruined his no-hitter in the ninth inning by hitting a batter — all because I knew he had a chance to be great.

Then I traded him for Pat Hentgen on the grounds that skinny P.J. would probably blow his arm to shreds, while husky Pat was built to last.  And last Pat did, winning the Cy Young in 1996.  And he lasted that time in June of 1997 Cito Gaston left him in there until he’d given up 11 earned runs over 8 innings pitched.  Baseball Reference doesn’t have the number of pitches, but it was way up there, if I recall, in the 130’s at least.  That was the beginning of the end for Hentgen, in my view.  By 1998 his season ERA climbed well over 5.00 and I let him go.  P.J. only outlasted him by about 10 years. So that wasn’t so bad.

But I’m not going to write about me and P.J. Martinez. Instead, it’s me and P.J. O’Rourke.

I know you’ll be surprised, because I essentially never bring politics into these updates.  But recently O’Rourke uncorked an amazing political document, the like of which I’ve never seen before: he (a longtime Republican/Libertarian type) endorsed Hillary because she “is the second-worst thing that could happen to America.”  I won’t tell you what he thinks is the first-worst thing — you won’t be shocked, but it would be better if you read his telling of it rather than my retelling.

But there is one passage I cannot resist sharing with you, in a section stuffed with clever cultural/ historical/political references:

“Better to root up the garden of free enterprise with the Democratic pigs than run off a protectionist cliff with the Gadarene swine Republicans.”

Relax. I am not endorsing Hillary.  I’m not a Democrat.  Nor Trump: I’m not a Republican either, these days.  I like it better, I think, if I don’t know whom you will vote for, just like I don’t know whom I will vote for.

Nor am I endorsing O’Rourke’s decision-making process, just his artistry in describing it. Right now I just want to revel in a good Scriptural reference – so apt and colorful, so seriously dismayed yet so funny.

And who knows? If the election goes badly enough, and PJ sours on writing about politics, maybe we could get him to take over this gig.

But in the meantime, he’s set me a bar I’ll probably never get over, or under, or anywhere near.  Unless I get to practicing.

Old Detroit: W 1, L 2; 12 – 12. (.231, .250, .385; 18 ip, 5 er)   “It is better to be lucky than good.”   Exhibit 1: the Wolverines.  Exhibit 2: their owner.  I rest my case.

Portland: W 1, L (-1); 3 – (-3); (.316, .400, .526; 7 ip, 0 er).   Haviland: L, 4 – 5. (.270, .341, .568; 16.7 ip, 8 er.)  “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”  I recommend this wisdom to you, Rosebuds and Dragons, in the next monthly draft.  Don’t bid!  If you bid, you might make a terrible mistake and people might conclude you are a foolish bidder.  Better just to be quiet.  People will assume you have some deep, mysterious plan, inscrutable to them but clear to you.  It will make them squirm with fear (see below), all because you didn’t bid.  Let the Wolverines make the drafting blunders.

Pittsburgh: L, 6 – 13. (.286, .360, .476; 12.7 ip, 12 er)   “From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both: but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.”  Or, in EFL terms, Machiavelli would say it is far better to be an Allegheny than, say, a Drive.  Except, maybe not on Tuesday, when of 6 Allegheny pitchers, 5 gushed earned runs allowed.

Canberra: W,  7 – 1.  (.185, .421, .259;  9 ip, 0 er).  “Better to be late than to arrive ugly.” Did the superhot Kangaroos cool off at all Tuesday?  Not on the pitching side — Ervin Santana and Chris Devenski combined for 9 shutout innings. How about the offense? Well, it depends.  Kangaroos went 5 for 27 for a .185 batting average.  That included two doubles, for a .259 slugging percentage.  On top of that they layered 10 walks and a HBP for a .421 on base percentage.  Yes, 9 ‘Roos worked 10 walks and a HBP.  Every Kangaroo walked at least once, except Jason Kipnis. (Kipnis went 3 for 4 with a double. He was just marching to a different drummer.) Chris Carter went 1 for 5 — but added 2 walks and a HBP for a .500 OBP.  Chris Davis went 0 for 2 with 2 walks, for another .500 OBP.  Jonathan Lucroy only got one plate appearance… in which he walked, for a 1.000 OBP.

So, yes, the Kangaroos kept up the heat. They gained another half game.  Those of us atop the league can see them coming in the distance now, bounding at full speed, trying to catch the train before it gets to the station, and for the moment gaining at an astonishing rate.  It’s an amazing, inspiring sight.

Peshastin:  DNP, 3 – 0. (.356, .408, .578 – Happy Edgar Martinez Off Day; 4 ip, 3 er)   ““It is better to be a dissatisfied philosopher than a satisfied pig.” (This is my paraphrase of Phil’s paraphrase of J.S. Mill.)  This aphorism would help a philosopher find satisfaction in, say, not winning a single EFL championship in the entire 12-year existence of his franchise.  But beware, ye philosophs! If you take much satisfaction in not being satisfied  you will no longer be a dissatisfied philosopher, which would put you pretty close to being a satisfied pig — which you will find highly unsatisfactory, making you once again a dissatisfied philosopher… and so on, in cycles pressing ever further into satisfied pig territory (and then ever further into exaltations of philosophical dissatisfaction) on each rotation. There is only one stable solution, embodied in the wisdom I continuously pass along to all my descendants:  “It is no great honor to be hard to please.”

Flint Hill: W 1, L 2; 6 – 13. (.091, .211, .152; 1 ip, 0 er).                                    

Kaline: L, 3 – 3. (.220, .273, .440; 2 ip, 0 er.)

“It’s better to have something and not need it , than to need something and not have it.”   This aphorism describes my approach to bits of hardware. You never know when a metal strap remnant of the play structure you built 11 years ago, plus a stray bolt of uncertain vintage, with a washer and a nut left over from different projects, will be just the things you need to keep the garage door opener working.

The Drive have adopted a related strategy this year, one we might call “deliberate oversupply.”  Rather than try to fine-tune their allocations to get only the best players into action, the Drive have fully activated almost their entire roster to minimize the odds of having to digest nasty replacement innings or plate appearances.  For most of the year the approach did not yield great results.  But for the last few weeks, outcomes have been better.  Now, again ahead of the Cheese, the Drive are within 2 games of the fading Tornados. The Drive produced 54  plate appearances Tuesday.  The Tornados: 38. Will Kaline abundance overwhelm the sparse Flint Hill?

 

Cottage: W 0, L 2;  7 – 11. (.147, .268 .147;  5 ip, 1 er) “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”   The Cheese have been perhaps the most enthusiastic traders in the league for several years now, always looking for that edge that comes from mutually beneficial transactions. But Tuesday when Jose Altuve got his 1,000th hit, the second fastest active player to hit that mark, he was batting for the Alleghenys.  He used to be a Cheese once, but the Head Cheese lost patience with him (and the Alpha Wolverine never even gave him a chance).  Does the Head Cheese ever lie awake nights thinking of all the great things his former players have been doing?  Will he learn to mute the siren call of the new players with the wisdom not to discount or become impatient with the familiar?

 

DC:  W (-1), L 2; 4 – 12.  (.275, .293, .668; 10.3 ip, 11 er).  Elvis Araujo Royal Chulked — an octodecan chulk, actually, 6 er in 0.3 ip — to torpedo the Balk.  Their swamped boat now drifts three full games behind the Braves, hopes of not finishing last fading. But remember, Balkans, ” ‘tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”