I was poking around on MLBtraderumors this morning when I ran across this headline:

“Twins weigh front office candidates.” 

“Woah!” I thought.  “Can they even do that? Isn’t overweight a disability for ADA purposes?”

I can’t imagine George Fox ever weighing candidates for teaching positions. Sure, sometimes you can’t help but notice someone being extra heavy, or extra skinny, but… “Would you mind standing on these scales?” is not one of our approved interview questions.

I’m not absolutely sure about overweight as a protected-class disability.  I’d have to go look it up, and with my weight up to 205 lbs, I prefer not to make the effort. Employers are still free to hire for good looks and grooming, after all, and the lines would be fuzzy between those features and physique. But even if a team could get away with it without liability, wouldn’t it be bad PR, make your team less attractive to executive talent?

And then I saw this headline:

“Alex Anthopoulos Says He’s No Longer A Candidate For Twins Job”

See?  Just as I suspected. Look, here’s an old photo of Mr. Anthopoulos:

And here is a more recent shot:

He’s bigger — and happier!

And the second photo dates from his Blue Jays days.  Being unemployed for several months, idling around the house with brownies and chips ready to hand, probably hasn’t made him less of a man. So it is perfectly understandable if Mr. AA took umbrage at being asked to weigh in like a prize pig, or a wrestler.  And really, we’re talking about an office employee, so how could size be even remotely a BFOQ (bona fide occupational qualification)?

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend from my youth group about 44 years ago. Another guy in our group was dating the heaviest girl in the church.  “I don’t get it,” my friend said to me, “what does he see in her?”

In an instant of inspiration, I replied: “A lot.”

I’ve uncovered some other interesting headlines, too.

Haviland: W 2, L (-1); 15 – 3. (.408, .558, .719;  15.3 ip, 5 er). Owwww!  Take it easy! All that firepower let loose in such a confined space!  I bet they could hear that practically around the world.  Like, say, in the Philippines:

Probe ordered on ‘Dragon’ slay

And a slay it was, too!  Look at what happened to the Alleghenys and Rosebuds.  And even, somewhat, to the mighty Wolverines: all of them knocked over like so many Douglas firs on the slopes of Mt. St. Helens. So cut it out!  Tell JD Martinez (3 for 3 with a walk) and Jake Lamb (pinch hit homer and a walk) to cool it. And Gary Sanchez and Steven Souza, with their identical 2 for 4’s with a homer and a walk.  Stop with the extra-judicial slayings! People are getting hurt!

No, listen, it DOES matter to you, Havilanders.  Your mayhem is indiscriminate. Haven’t you noticed?

DRAGONS CROWDS HIT EIGHT-YEAR LOW 

That’s from the Sydney Daily Telegraph. Sydney, Australia.  On the other hand — good on you for getting the EFL into the headlines in Sydney. Although that might be as much the work of our own Kangaroos.

 

Old Detroit: W, 7 – 3. (.310, .431, .452;  13 IP , 4 ER)  The Wolverines feel like the man who walked behind a Haviland-made jet engine just as it was firing up: singed and a bit blown away.  Fortunately for the W’s,  they only lost 1/2 a game in the standings because:

Wolverine Protection Changes Meaning Of Endangered Species Act

It turns out a federal judge has insisted that the government include the Wolverines in the list of species to be legally protected from dangers like global warming which, of course, applies to anything really hot, like Dragons’ breath.  I’m hoping this means the Dragons have to stop breathing so much and give other people a chance.  But I worry it will only mean the Feds will usher the Dragons even further out ahead of the rest of us, safely out of range.

 

Pittsburgh:  W (-1), L 2; (-1) – 9 (.229, .275, .313;  8 ip, 8 er).  Ouch. Awful timing, that — your pitchers blow up (especiall Mauricio Cabrera and his nonuple chulk: 0.3 ip, 3 er) on the day the Dragons blow us all up. And just when you were getting some good press, too — this headline coming out shortly before the disaster:

Allegheny Celebrates Year of Mindfulness

I admire your mindfulness, and keeping it up for an entire year is wonderful and all. But, man, getting beat (-1) – 9 on the same day that Haviland wins 15-3 seems less like mindfulness and more like haplessness. You lost 1.9 games in a single day!  Not that I would ever call an Allegheny “hapless.”  “Never poke an Allegheny” has been my motto for years now.

 

Portland: “W”, 1 – 4. (.135, .167, .173;  13 ip, 6 er)  Another team that got too close when the Dragons went nova.  One wonders why.  Why did the Rosebuds choose this particular day to put up such a shriveled, crumbly offense?

Thrips, tiny whisker-sized insects, reason rose buds are turning dried brown color

I’m sorry, they misspelled “Rosebuds” but still, perhaps you ought to look into this. And too bad we don’t have an EFL team called the Thrips. That would help ease my pain over the loss of the Bugeaters.

Oh, by the way, I discovered two possible inspirations for the “Rosebuds” team name. It might be either the 1916 Rosebuds hockey team that got its name engraved on the Stanley Cup or, perhaps more likely, the Winterhawks’ dance team:

 

Canberra: W, 4 – 2.  (.242, .359, .242; 8 ip, 2 er).  We seem to be outside the Dragon blast zone back here in the middle of the league.  We can come out of the bunker and have a look around. Maybe we can solve the Mystery of the Year: what happened to the high-performing Canberra team that dominated the early season. Where did all that talent and energy go?

Man savagely attacked by kangaroo thought he would die

Senior Savaged by Roo

Kangaroos destroy $200,000 worth of cucumbers

Roo meat export the answer to animal welfare issues: Scott

Roos run wild in Granville

WATCH: Roo chases golfers from Hervey Bay course

Cracked rib after kangaroo knocks cyclist off bike

This is so heartbreaking — our beloved Kangaroos on a rampage, acting out their pain and frustration, attacking innocent old people and cucumbers. Someone in Canberra has lost control of his clubhouse.

 

Peshastin: “L”, 9 – 7.   (.304, .385, .587; 6 ip, 4 er).  Finding headlines about pears isn’t easy. The best I could come up with was this:

THE SECRET LIFE OF PEARS

When I studied journalism, I was told to never lead a news story with the obvious.  If you start with what the reader already knows, she won’t keep reading. Who among us was unaware that pears’ lives, by and large, are secret — lived out in obscurity, drawing no attention to themselves, etc?  So perhaps I can be forgiven if I didn’t actually read this article to find out that the typical Pear season is short on conspicuous drama.

I do have one juicy tidbit for the Pears:

Indians lose Salazar

I urge Pear management to get on this right away.  No EFL team can afford to loan players to teams who can’t keep track of them.

 

Flint Hill:  W, 5 – 5. (.257, .395, .571; 14 ip, 6 er).   Here’s another mystery — how did all that offense only produce 5 runs? True, two of the offensive leaders — Gennett and Jaso — are under-allocated, but the rest of the gang should have produced more than 5 runs, it seems like.

So here is a general headline aimed at all of you:

CHECK YOUR ROSTERS AND STATS 

Make sure the league stats reflect your rosters

We had a couple of cases come up where some dufus misspelling a player’s name when he made a free agent list caused that player not to get counted in team stats.

I’m sorry, this league announcement pre-empted the Tornado headlines you were all eagerly awaiting. But don’t be silly. Tornados never make headlines. We all know that.

 

Kaline:  L, 5 – 6. (.256, .318, .462; 6 ip, 3 er).

Drive Announce Stadium Enhancements

And it’s about time.  As contrasted with the Dragons, who’ve scared away their fans, the Drive have an exciting young team to watch. Although, according to mlbtraderumors, there may be a challenge ahead:

Angels Won’t Recall Tim Lincecum, Johnny Giavotella

I know what they’re talking about. I sort of remember Giavotella — wasn’t he a Drive once? But this Lincecum… Was he ever a Drive? I just cannot pin him down…

On the other hand, perhaps the Drive will do better than the Angels.  It looks like the Mariners will:

Mariners Will Recall Nori Aoki

And the Drive are closely linked to the Mariners. I am sure they used to have Aoki — right ? Who could forget the current MLB leader in vowel ratio?

Cottage: W, 4 – 2.  (.256, .318 .462;  6 ip, 3 er).  A nice, tidy little day out here in the rural areas, far from the sound and fury of the Dragons blowing the pennant race to smithereens.  Out here people have time to think, and to reminisce about good times.  Or, as mlbtraderumors put it for the other team to own Puig:

Dodgers To Recall Yasiel Pui

Yes, I bet they will — and so will the Cheese.

 

D.C.: “W”, 5 – 6.  (.273, .333, .394;  3.7 ip, 1 er)  Speaking of feats of mental acuity, yesterday I wrote a long bit about goals the Balk could still pursue.  But I missed maybe the best one.  So focussed was I on the Braves as the Balk’s natural rivals, I missed noticing that the Twins have a worse record now than the Braves. The Balk are only 1.5 games behind the Twins!  So there’s a ripe plum to be picked, if D.C. is so inclined.  And, as we now all know and understand, the Twins will not be adding Alex Anthopoulos to their brain trust, so they will remain vulnerable for the balance of the season.

I hope the Balk pass the Twins and leave them choking in DC dust. It would serve those nasty sizeists right.

 

Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2014