Over on ESPN today, Jim Bowden is all abuzz about fixing MLB’s pace-of-game problems. Personally, I am not aware of this, since I never get to watch any MLB (which may help you understand what’s wrong with the Cheese).
But as a regular attender at EFL monthly meetings, I am all too painfully aware of our league’s pace-of-draft problems. Fortunately, you have ME here to provide solutions for all of them.
Between-bid delays: You know how it goes. Team A will bid Amount A, and the next team to bid (Team B) will agonize, grumble, moan, and mention various condiments, delaying his declaration of Amount B. The solution is obvious: a Bid Clock. Something large, with a loud ticking noise. Or, we could simply play the theme from “Final Jeopardy.” When time is gone, so is Team B’s chance to bid.
Technical difficulties: “Tom? Tom? Can you hear us, Tom? Rats, we lost Ryan. Dave, call Ryan again. Mark? Who’s getting Mark? Is he on text-only?” Face it, we’re all more or less technically-challenged. Some of us don’t even try! (Peshastin’s team should be renamed to the Luddites. Yes, I’m still bitter.) But this problem is easy to fix. Look at the Olympics! They can handle multiple simultaneous telecasts from venues all over the place – and they never have any technical problems! We should lower our salary caps by a few million, and use the extra cash to hire people who KNOW how to do this.
Premature Passing: this relatively new phenomenon has reached pandemic proportions. When Team X’s turn comes up to put up a bid, he strategically says “Pass.” I don’t know why. (Well, in the case of the Alleghenys, I do. Pittsburgh always has to have the last draft, so he skips the first few rounds. He likes to clean up after the parade of players has passed. Along with the stuff you usually get at the back end of a parade, he usually finds some treasure.) But this is a real pace-of-draft problem. Again, the solution is obvious. If you don’t have somebody to put up, the computer will pick a random player and make his minimum bid for you!
That should about take care of it. What will we do with all of the time we’ll save? I have the answer to that one too. We’ll run commercials at the end of each round! Our at-home audience will enjoy the entertaining advertising, and those of us in the draft room can throw the ball around. Like they do in MLB.