In UHF, the Weird Al Yankovich movie about a struggling TV station, at one point there’s a scene where for some reason ninjas are fighting in the station. My favorite (if non-PC) scene is when the main character, looking for a place to hide, opens the door to the supplies closet and Japanese-looking ninjas leap out, yelling “SUPPLIES!”
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I was reminded of this bit of cinematic genius when I read an article on the MLB site about each team’s greatest supplies… I mean, surprise this season. Let’s review MLB’s lack of foresight today.
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EFL Standings for 2019
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 7 | 1 | .864 | — | 67.4 | 26.8 |
| Cottage Cheese | 7 | 3 | .716 | 0.8 | 65.4 | 41.2 |
| Peshastin Pears | 7 | 3 | .656 | 1.4 | 57.9 | 41.9 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 6 | 4 | .649 | 1.4 | 68.3 | 50.2 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 6 | 4 | .643 | 1.5 | 53.1 | 39.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 6 | 4 | .640 | 1.5 | 61.5 | 46.2 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 6 | 4 | .605 | 1.9 | 62.5 | 50.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 5 | 6 | .464 | 3.3 | 30.8 | 33.1 |
| D.C. Balk | 3 | 5 | .374 | 3.9 | 24.9 | 32.2 |
| Haviland Dragons | 4 | 7 | .336 | 4.7 | 46.7 | 65.6 |
| Brookland Outs | 3 | 7 | .288 | 5 | 33.5 | 52.7 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 3 | 7 | .286 | 5.1 | 38.7 | 61.2 |
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Canberra: DNP, 6 – 1. (45 PA, .366, .413, .707; 4 ip, 2 er, 4.50 ERA).
Blake Snell, LHP: MLN is shocked that Snell is only the third best of the Rays’ pitchers, after the Dragons’ Tyler Glasnow and the Outs’ Charlie Morton.
Tim Anderson, SS: MLB is shocked that Anderson (.560/.577/.800) is hitting better than Mike Trout. But Trout went 1 for 2 with a homer and three walks Sunday, so his season line is .393, .581, 1.000 right now. But look at this! Anderson went 4 for 5 with a double… and his line is now .560, .577, .880. That huge batting average is stunning, but I think I’d rather have the .581 OBP with the 1.000 SLG…
Tim Beckham SS: MLB mentions Beckham as one of several surprising Mariners who are suddenly slugging like crazy. But it doesn’t mention the bitter truth that the Kangaroos have Anderson AND Beckham (.400, .489, .825) who can both play shortstop.
Padres: Joey Lucchesi, LHP: The big shock here is how Lucchesi has now compiled 10.3 scoreless innings to start the season. Why aren’t the big offensive fireworks affecting the ‘Roos? Their raw team ERA right on the season now is 2.55. This is before any clever allocations the Captain Kangaroo might have done.
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Let’s move on. I’m tired of talking about all the Kangaroo surprises.
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Cottage: W, 4 – 2. (37 PA, .250, .351, .438; 8.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA).
MLB hasn’t been surprised by any Cheeses, apparently. Six Cheeses are OPSing over 1.000 on the season, including Yoan and Yandy, but that’s not surprising, I guess. Nor is it a shocker that Yonny Chirinos has 12 ip with only 1 earned run? Or the team ERA is 2.24? Hey! It’s Yoan, Yandy and Yonny! Now there’s a pleasant surprise.
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Peshastin: W 2, L (-1); 10 – 3. (42 PA, 333, .429, .639; 12.7 ip, 4 er, 2.84 ERA).
Clint Frazier, OF: Frazier had a great weekend, blasting three homers, after not being on the roster Opening Day. He went 4 for 5 Sunday with 2 of those dingers, and is leading the Pears in OPS, going .412, .421, .941 to date.
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Flint Hill: W, 9 – 1. (42 PA, .294 .429, .706; 13.3 ip, 3 er, 2.02 ERA).
MLB has not been surprised by any Tornados. The Tornados themselves have been surprised by Derek Dietrich. A couple of days ago they had forgotten they even HAD Dietrich — I had to gently remind them. Today they’re probably shocked to find that Dietrich has a .278, .316, .833 batting line, the third best OPS on the team, after hitting two homers yesterday to give him 3 on the season, very Clint Frazier-like.
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Portland: “L”, 7 – 7. (47 PA, .282, .404, .462; 11 ip, 7 er, 5.73 ERA).
Chris Sale, LHP: “There’s no answer other than Sale here” is how MLB puts it. But this isn’t good news. Sale’s ERA is 8.00. In 9 innings he’s walked 4, allowed 4 homers, and struck out 5.
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Old Detroit: “L”, 7 – 6. (47 PA, .238, .319, .643; 2 ip, 2 er , 9.oo ERA).
MLB apparently anticipated everything about the Wolverines except Daniel Vogelbach being a slugger for the Mariners. Pah! I’ve been expecting that for three years now. Danny did hit two more homers yesterday, decorated with a double and a walk, to lift his line to .467, .579, 1.400. Look who’s hitting better (and $24,500,000 cheaper) than Mike Trout now!! Even Scott Servais is beginning to like Dan, a little bit.
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Pittsburgh: W 1, L 2; 17 – 17. (42 PA, .235k .381, .353; 2.3 ip, 3 er, 11.57 ERA). A rough day for the Alleghenys, just when MLB conspires to saddle them with a tripleheader — and four surprises!
José Altuve, 2B: MLB was shocked Altuve’s batting average started with a 2. Really? .299 would be enough to shock you this early in the season? You had better avoid walking across any carpets. Altuve’s line is actually .282, .349, .410 now but, to be fair, that reflect’s yesterday going 3 for 4 with two walks.
Jurickson Profar, 2B: MLB thinks the Athletics were expecting more from Profar than a .106, .143, .170 line, with his first walk of the season coming Sunday. I dunno. I had Profar for a couple of years, and it didn’t get much better than this.
Dansby Swanson, SS: MLB says “no one’s been more surprising than Swanson, who is hitting .346/.471/.731.” Here’s a real surprise: MLB thinks all this great hitting makes up for the Ronald Acuña Jr.‘s troubles (including batting only .129). But I kind of doubt Bellingham is getting a lot of comfort from Swanson’s great start.
Maikel Franco, 3B: MLB is shocked that Franco has already walked nine times and has a .500 OBP.
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Kaline: W 0, L 2; 2 – 6. (43 PA, .100, .163, .125; 13.7 ip, 4 er, 2.63 ERA) Ohhh! So this is where all the bad hitting is hiding, explaining how we can have so many teams OPSing over 1.000 on the day without showing a huge MLB-wide surge in runs scored per game. Thanks, Kaline, for taking it for the league. Sorry, MLB doesn’t find any Drives very surprising.
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DC : DNP, (-1) – (-5). (28 PA, .192, .250, .192; 6 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA).
Willians Astudillo, C: MLB points out Astudillo has a .500 batting average (and, I will add, a 1.458 OPS), with “four extra-base hits in his first 14 at-bats. Heck, he even walked.” But he hasn’t struck out yet, of course, nor has he stolen any bases. I think I feel an Astudillo-themed update coming on.
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Haviland: W 2, L 0; 13 – 10. (34 PA .375, .412, .781; 14 ip, 7 er, 4.50 ERA). The Dragons are finally beginning to escape the sticky tendrils of the EFL basement. Although that isn’t what surprises MLB, or at least not among the top three:
Brandon Nimmo, OF: Nimmo is struggling, with 17 strikeouts in 36 plate appearances and a season line of .103, ..257, .138. That’s a .395 OPS.
Alex Reyes, RHP: Reyes amassed a 15.00 ERA over 3 innings before being sent to the minors. He was once an coveted prospect (I know, because I coveted him for years). Now he’s not even a useful reliever. So far.
Yasiel Puig, OF: e Yasiel tried to fight an entire team of Pirates over the weekend, but, according to MLB, “right now, he can’t hit a baseball.” He’s hitting .133, .188, .167, which is a .355 OPS and a very close approximation to “can’t hit a baseball.”
Yikes: three surprises, all of them dreadful. I feel sorry for the Dragons, for the first time in a very long time. Maybe ever.
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Brookland: L, 5 – 8. (31 PA, .300, .323, .567; no pitching.)
Lourdes Gurriel Jr., SS: Lourdes has had a “rough start,” now riding the bench with a .074, .138, .111 batting line (only a .249 OPS). But MLB wants to reassure the Outs’ ownership: Gurriel is still a fan favorite.
Cody Bellinger, 1B: Unlike the Dragons, however, the Outs get a pleasant surprise to balance out the bad one. Bellinger “leads the Majors in home runs (seven) and RBIs (18) and remember — he is only 23.”
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Bellingham: W 0, L 3; 9 – 29. (29 PA, .120, .241, .120; 3.3 ip, 6 er, 16.20 ERA)
I feel like maybe someone forgot to warn Cascades management that the EFL could make you play a triple header just because the Tigers pass the Twins in the standings, and that when this happens you might not want to OPS only .351 or have Mike Fiers cough up 6 earned runs in 1.7 innings, with only 1.7 more innings of relief, because your team is about to swallow two games’ worth of replacement innings and at bats and it’s going to be ugly. Just like teams can rocket from 7th or 4th to first place, they can plummet from 9th to 12 overnight.
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But at least MLB has a pleasant surprise for you:
Hunter Pence, OF: “He’s not an everyday player anymore, but it’s still a pleasant surprise to see Pence on a roster, let alone hitting .333.” THIS is the guy making up for Ronald Acuña Jr. Or would be, if Pence had more than 1 walk and any extra bases at all.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2019
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 7 | 3 | .700 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 6 | 4 | .649 | 0.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 6 | 4 | .640 | 0.6 |
| New York Yankees | 5 | 4 | .556 | 1.5 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 4 | 5 | .444 | 2.5 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 3 | 8 | .273 | 4.5 |
| Boston Red Sox | 3 | 8 | .273 | 4.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 7 | 1 | .864 | — |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 6 | 2 | .750 | 0.9 |
| New York Mets | 6 | 3 | .667 | 1.4 |
| Atlanta Braves | 5 | 4 | .556 | 2.4 |
| Washington Nationals | 4 | 4 | .500 | 2.9 |
| D.C. Balk | 3 | 5 | .374 | 3.9 |
| Miami Marlins | 3 | 7 | .300 | 4.9 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Detroit Tigers | 7 | 3 | .700 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 6 | 3 | .667 | 0.5 |
| Minnesota Twins | 5 | 3 | .625 | 1 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 6 | 4 | .605 | 1 |
| Chicago White Sox | 3 | 5 | .375 | 3 |
| Kansas City Royals | 2 | 6 | .250 | 4 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 3 | 7 | .286 | 4.1 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 8 | 2 | .800 | — |
| Cottage Cheese | 7 | 3 | .716 | 0.8 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 5 | 3 | .625 | 2 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 4 | 5 | .444 | 3.5 |
| Brookland Outs | 3 | 7 | .288 | 5.1 |
| Chicago Cubs | 2 | 7 | .222 | 5.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 1 | 8 | .111 | 6.5 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Seattle Mariners | 9 | 2 | .818 | — |
| Houston Astros | 5 | 5 | .500 | 3.5 |
| Texas Rangers | 5 | 5 | .500 | 3.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 5 | 6 | .464 | 3.9 |
| Oakland A’s | 6 | 7 | .462 | 4 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 4 | 6 | .400 | 4.5 |
| Haviland Dragons | 4 | 7 | .336 | 5.3 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 8 | 2 | .800 | — |
| Peshastin Pears | 7 | 3 | .656 | 1.4 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 6 | 4 | .643 | 1.6 |
| San Diego Padres | 6 | 4 | .600 | 2 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 5 | 5 | .500 | 3 |
| San Francisco Giants | 3 | 7 | .300 | 5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 3 | 7 | .300 | 5 |
Portland: Red Sox: Chris Sale, LHP
There’s no answer other than Sale here. Here’s a stat: Sale has given up only one fewer home run (four) so far than he has strikeouts (five).
There’s no answer other than Sale here. Here’s a stat: Sale has given up only one fewer home run (four) so far than he has strikeouts (five).
Pittsburgh:
Peshastin:
Bellingham:Rangers:
DC: Twins: Willians Astudillo, C
Even all those fans who had assigned cult-hero status to Astudillo didn’t see a .500 batting average coming, with four extra-base hits in his first 14 at-bats. Heck, he even walked.
Even all those fans who had assigned cult-hero status to Astudillo didn’t see a .500 batting average coming, with four extra-base hits in his first 14 at-bats. Heck, he even walked.
Brookland: Blue Jays:
Haviland: