The EFL vanguard (Portland and Peshastin) have reached the 81-game half-way mark in the 2016 season. And all of us have reached the end of June, simultaneously despite the EFL’s rather loose connection to the space-time continuum.
EFL Standings for 2016 — FINAL JUNE STANDINGS
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 50 | 28 | .645 | — | 439.9 | 326.9 |
| Haviland Dragons | 50 | 30 | .624 | 1.4 | 399.6 | 313.0 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 50 | 31 | .617 | 1.9 | 420.4 | 325.7 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 45 | 35 | .568 | 5.9 | 390.6 | 337.3 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 43 | 35 | .556 | 7 | 410.3 | 367.7 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 40 | 38 | .510 | 10.5 | 348.0 | 341.0 |
| Peshastin Pears | 41 | 40 | .505 | 10.9 | 354.8 | 350.2 |
| Cottage Cheese | 39 | 39 | .498 | 11.5 | 382.4 | 379.1 |
| Kaline Drive | 30 | 50 | .378 | 21.1 | 367.8 | 474.9 |
| D.C. Balk | 26 | 54 | .328 | 25.1 | 314.4 | 456.0 |
Old Detroit: W 1, L 1; 7 – 9.
Haviland: W 1, L 1; 4 – 3.
Portland: W1, L 1; 10 – 10.
Our league leaders ran up rather indecisive results considering their position in the league. All three of them are on pace for 100 wins. Shouldn’t they be dominating their opponents? This kind of complacency will not sustain their first-half success.
Canberra: W 1, L 1; 11 – 9.
Pittsburgh: W 2, L 0; 22 – 9
Our backup leaders — you know, the ones we keep around in case the real leaders suddenly collapse or something — played better than the real leaders. The Kangaroos were only marginally more interested in their work than the top three, but the Alleghenys showed some real fire. Which, of course, is an ominous sign. We’ve been through this scenario way too many times: supposedly ancient, undramatic Alleghenys surging volcanically through the EFL, laying waste to all in their path. Surely we will not be so foolish as to let that happen again.
Flint Hill: W 1, L 1; 8 – 7.
Peshastin: W 2, L 0; 14 – 6.
Cottage: W 2, L 0; 9 – 5.
The Cheese end the month 0.6 games behind their bitter rivals, the Pears. Hmmm. Bitter Pears. I’ve never actually known any pears, least of all the Peshastin ones, to be bitter. So let’s revise that: The Cheese ended the month 0.6 games behind their sweet rivals, the Pears. Toss in the Tornados and this group all outscored their foes, an outcome apparently beyond the skill of the league leaders.
Kaline: W 0, L 2; 10 – 17.
D.C.: W 0, L 2; 8 – 15.
We didn’t mean to stick the Wizard with babysitting duties. But we can’t just leave the Balk by themselves in a room full of choking hazards and tippy bookshelves – not to mention sharks trying to offload Sharks onto the unsuspecting.
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 50 | 28 | .645 | — |
| Baltimore Orioles | 47 | 31 | .603 | 3.3 |
| Boston Red Sox | 42 | 36 | .538 | 8.3 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 43 | 38 | .531 | 8.8 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 40 | 38 | .510 | 10.5 |
| New York Yankees | 39 | 39 | .500 | 11.3 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 33 | 45 | .423 | 17.3 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 48 | 32 | .600 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 45 | 35 | .568 | 2.6 |
| New York Mets | 41 | 37 | .526 | 6 |
| Miami Marlins | 41 | 38 | .519 | 6.5 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 35 | 45 | .438 | 13 |
| Atlanta Braves | 27 | 52 | .342 | 20.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 26 | 54 | .328 | 21.8 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cleveland Indians | 48 | 30 | .615 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 43 | 35 | .556 | 4.7 |
| Kansas City Royals | 42 | 36 | .538 | 6 |
| Detroit Tigers | 41 | 38 | .519 | 7.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 40 | 39 | .506 | 8.5 |
| Minnesota Twins | 25 | 53 | .321 | 23 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 50 | 31 | .617 | — |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 40 | 38 | .513 | 8.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 40 | 41 | .495 | 9.9 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 38 | 41 | .481 | 11 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 35 | 43 | .449 | 13.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 29 | 51 | .363 | 20.5 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Texas Rangers | 51 | 29 | .638 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 50 | 30 | .624 | 1.1 |
| Houston Astros | 42 | 37 | .532 | 8.5 |
| Seattle Mariners | 40 | 39 | .506 | 10.5 |
| Oakland A’s | 35 | 44 | .443 | 15.5 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 32 | 47 | .405 | 18.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 30 | 50 | .378 | 20.8 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| San Francisco Giants | 50 | 31 | .617 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 50 | 31 | .617 | — |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 44 | 37 | .543 | 6 |
| Peshastin Pears | 41 | 40 | .505 | 9.1 |
| Colorado Rockies | 37 | 41 | .474 | 11.5 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 36 | 45 | .444 | 14 |
| San Diego Padres | 33 | 46 | .418 | 16 |
Cottage is pleased to be counted among the league leaders (as long as you ignore inferior months like April and May). Cheese hitting was second in the league for June, and our pitching has climbed out of the cellar and heads toward respectability.
The new Cheese strategy is to get rid of pitchers who drag us down, even if we must draft an entirely new pitching staff each month.