The Commissioner Displays His Best Bedside Manner

Dear EFL Answer Man:

I think that the Cheese may have set the record yesterday for the worst day ever in EFL history.

— Cottage Fan Base

Most of you probably never realized the pastoral element in the EFL Commissioner’s job.  As I make my rounds, I routinely encounter people suffering from depression, anxiety, and/or despair.

You can’t see the caption to the cartoon I used to illustrate this article.  It says something like “Just take the lollipop and get out of here.”  While I admire the doctor’s clarity, I have chosen to be a kinder, gentler helper to discouraged owners.  I have to somehow empathize with them and let them know their teams’ terrible performance has no affect on other people’s view of them, and that we value them no matter what their win-lost record.

I’ve been commissioner for almost 13 years now, so I must be pretty good at what I do.  Watch a master at work:

Dear Cottage Fan:

I see you are suffering from depression, anxiety, and/or despair. I somehow empathize with you.  Your team’s terrible performance is pretty much what we expected when you came into the league. We value you highly just as you are.

Oh, and by the way, the word “that” could be eliminated from your sentence with no loss of meaning.

Stay well!

— EFL Answer Man

Another approach would be to dispute the accuracy of the writer’s claim that the Cheese had the worst day ever in EFL history. But to do that we’d need some data.