Unified Theory of Sick

No, I’m not sick. I think. 

It might depend on what you mean by “sick.”  If you mean “sick”, as in depraved”, I might be sick:  during an Easter afternoon whiffle ball game, I ran over my 6-year-old grandson Mateo.  But it was an accident!  I was scampering from first to second base, while he was crossing the base path to field the ground ball. He suddenly stopped right in front of me, I twisted to avoid him, failed, and we both went down.  Old and stiff and clumsy, I admit, but not sick. Also, not out, as I crawled to the base before anyone could tag me. 

Mateo, I can report, was unhurt.  I didn’t hurt until later.

And anyway, “depraved” isn’t what I mean by “sick.”  Nor do I mean “thoroughly tired of doing something” (although I am sick of wearing masks), nor “diagnosed with COVID,” nor any of several other stray meanings.  I am also aware of the distinction between “sick” and “hurt” despite the featured photo for this post. 

In fact, I know precisely what “sick” means in baseball, according to an official announcement from MLB itself.

On Easter Sunday, a few hours before I bulldozed Mateo, Byron Buxton advanced to the plate in the top of the first inning and  smacked a double.  Before he came to bat again he was removed from the game.  The Twins said Buxton had come down with a “non-Covid-related sickness”, but didn’t explain what they meant by “sick.”

They didn’t need to.  It’s plain to see.  When Buxton advanced to the plate he had 9 plate appearances this season and his OPS was 1.573.  He was very good, but not sick.  After he hit the double, he had 10 PA and was OPSing 1.750. And he was enough better to be sick.

Clearly, the line between “very good but not sick” and just “sick” is somewhere between an OPS of 1.573 and 1.750, and 9 and 10 PA.

Is anyone else in the EFL sick?  Let’s find out.

Editor’s Note:  I mis-entered Houston’s record as 4 – 0, when they are really 4 – 1.  This left the Dragons and the Drive with just 4 games when they should have had 5.  Presumably Jamie will fix this tomorrow.  I was afraid to fix it today lest I end up entering all of yesterday’s stats twice.  I will ask for a training supplement to learn how to fix this mistake if I ever make it again. 

Haviland: “DNP”, 0 – (-3). (31 PA, .310, .355, .345; 6.3 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). Michael Brantley — not a Dragon — is the sickest hitter in baseball, currently OPSing 2.172.  Ramon Laureano has the Dragons’ best OPS at 1.286, but he took an off-day yesterday. The D’s offense still hummed along acceptably, while its pitching recorded another shutout 6.3 innings. The Dragon team ERA is now 1.68, completely free of penalties (which will be the case for the rest of April). There would have been replacements at ss and in the outfield had they recorded a 5th game, a total of 12.4 plate appearances in all, so maybe there’s still some hope for the rest of us.

I haven’t had official MLB confirmation of what constitutes being sick as a pitcher, but I bet a 0.00 ERA does the trick.  At a minimum, Tyler Glasnow and Pablo Lopez are sick, since they have allowed zero earned runs  and have enough innings to qualify for MLB purposes over 5 games. If we go by the 4 games we show in the EFL standings, Michael Kopech is also sick.  All told, the Dragons have 7 pitchers with 0.00 ERAs, and plenty of innings to avoid replacements even with 5 games played.  

 

Old Detroit: W, 7 – 3. (36 PA, .250, .333, .531; no pitching).   Byron Buxton is only the 4th sickest hitter in MLB… and only the second sickest in Old Detroit!  The sickest hitter in OD, and second-sickest in MLB, is Will Smith.  Smith went 1 for 3 with 3 walks yesterday, a daily line of .333, .750, 1.330, or a 2.080 OPS.  That would be a below-average day for Michael Brantley, but it was enough raise Smith’s season OPS to 1.925 (according to MLB; EFL stats show him at 1.967, but they don’t dock him for his sacrifice fly).  The Wolverines’ hopes in the EFL race lie in two facts:

1. Ke’Bryan Hayes (1.229), Gavin Lux (1.037), and Jurickson Profar (1.007) are showing symptoms of potential sickness.
2. The W’S are still 3 pitchers short of 10 appearing, racking up a team total of 1 penalty inning per game, which elevates the team’s 2.74 ERA to 3.74. I think I still have 3 pitchers to appear (Stroman, Taillon, and Oliver Perez).  So I am going to go ahead and be proud  of my team’s 2.74 raw ERA, even though it is more than 50% higher than Haviland’s, and doesn’t feature any sick pitchers.

 

Flint Hill: W, 2 – 0.  (44 PA, .162, .273, .189;  10 ip, 1 er, 0.90 ERA).  I am happy to report that there is no sickness among Tornado batters.   The closest is Clint Frazier, who sports a still-healthy 1.116 OPS over 15 PA, including his 1 for 3 with a single yesterday.  It’s hard to get sick when the team goes 6 for 37, all singles except for Enrique Hernandez’ double   But Carlos Rodon came down sick yesterday after abusing the Mariners for 0 earned runs over 5 innings.  Blake Snell is only slightly less sick (4.7 ip, 0 er on the season). 

Kaline: W 2, L (-2); 7 – (-1). (48 PA, .390, .458, .634; 4.3 IP, 1 er, 2.09 ERA).  No Drive hitters are sick, although Yuli Gurriel is risking his health with that 1.347 OPS, boosted yesterday by going 2 for 3 with 2 walks (a showy 2.000 daily OPS).   

The Drive got away with a spiffy 2.09 ERA, but there was something sick about that, with a different meaning of “sick”:  JT Brubaker got through 3 innings allowing only 1 earned run while walking 4 batters and surrendering 3 hits. And his “reliever”, Darwinzon Hernandez, got one out while walking 2 — and surrendering 0 earned runs.  That 2.09 ERA comes with a 2.09 WHIP, which I think is unnatural.  Sick, even.   

 

DC: W, 7 – 4. (33 PA, .308, .455, .346; 5.4 IP, 3 er, 5.00 ERA). Xander Bogaerts had a sickly day:  4 for 5 with a double, daily OPS of 1.800.  But that was a safe indulgence, since before that he was only 1 for 12 on the season without a walk. Joey Gallo is closest to sick: 1.194 OPS on the season.  On the pitching side, both Joe Musgrove and Jose Berrios are displaying unmistakably sick symptoms of 6 ip, 0 earned runs. 

 

Portland: W, 4 – 1.  (49 PA, .220, .347, .317;  11 ip,, 4 er, 3.27 ERA)   Corey Seager was very very sick, but the league will be relieved to know he is no longer, his season OPS down to 1.342 after yesterday’s 1 for 5.  However, pray for Willians Astudillo.  He went 3 for 4 yesterday with two doubles, raising his season OPS to 1.600 on only 5 plate appearances.  He isn’t officially sick until he gets at least 9, maybe 10, and he’s still in the 1.573 – 1.750 gray area. Pitcher Bryan Abreu may have come down sick yesterday: his 2 scoreless innings raised his season total to 4.3, with that nasty 0.00 ERA still unremedied.  

 

Canberra: W, 9 – 8. (36 PA, .290, .389. .581;  0.3 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA).  Alex Bregman may have been sick before yesterday, but his 2 for 5 day was good for a relatively benign .800 OPS and his season OPS is down to 1.408.  Mike Trout also had 2 hits in 5 PAs, but the homer he hit and the two walks he took made his daily OPS a ghastly 2.467.  Fortunately, Trout had remained cool until yesterday, so his season OPS is only 1.276, but I think the Kangaroos should have him see a specialist lest he come down really sick and possibly contagious.  In other news, no Kangaroo hurler is anywhere near hurling, sick-style.

 

Pittsburgh: L, 7 – 14.  (29 PA, .346, .414, .500; 5 ip, 10 er, 18.00 ERA)  It is possible to be too compulsive about avoiding sickness.  All three Allegheny hurlers stayed far, far away from being sick.  Frankie Montas started by nearly chulking (2.7 ip, 5 er), Bryan Garcia chulked right and proper (1 ip, 2 er), and Derek Holland chulked a little worse (1.3 ip, 3 er) for a perfect team chulk.  On the hitting side, Mike Moustakas was careless with his health, going 2 for 3 with a double, a homer and a walk (a 2.750 daily OPS).  However, Moustakas had thitherto been more careful, so his season OPS rose only to 1.279.

 

Bellingham: L, 3 – 6.  (24 PA, .250, .375, .300; 11.7 ip, 8 er, 6.15 ERA).  The formidable Hanser Alberto leads the Cascades with a tidy 1.000 OPS after trimming it with a 1 for 4 day yesterday.  No Bellingham pitcher is threatening to be sick, and the Bellies have liberated themselves from any pitching penalties, so they are enjoying a safe, sustainable 3.84 team ERA, even after yesterday’s poor team pitching. 

 

Cottage: W, 7 – 7.  (46 PA, .342, .413, .474;  4 ip, 2 er, 4;50 ERA)  It is fruitless to search for sickness in the Cottage pitching staff.  Only 6 Cheese hurlers have appeared, and I’m not sure any of the other 6 are still slated to pitch, what with injuries and demotions. It’s very sad,  but not sick in the sense we are talking about today. 

On the  other hand, poor young Zach McKinstrey needs help from a health mcminstry.  Yesterday he went 3 for 4 with a double, a daily ops of 1.750! Sick! This raised his season OPS to a raging 1.636, right smack in the middle of that 1.573 -1.750 danger zone.  Also, he now has 11 PA, just over the minimum threshold.  It’s safe to say sad Zach is sick.  Even MLB, penalizing him for yesterday’s sacrifice fly, lists him at 1.591, ninth-sickest in MLB — and third in the EFL. 

 

Peshastin: W, 2 – (-5).   (25 PA, 174, .240, .261; 16 ip,, 5 er, 2.81 ERA) A squad of Pear hurlers, three of them making their first appearances, and all of them thitherto healthy,  brought the Pears to 9 pitchers having appeared.  The elimination of so many penalty 1/3 innings, plus generally good pitching, released the Pears from their winlessness, despite anemic (but not sick) hitting. Mitch Haniger is the team’s leading hitter, OPSing an edgy-but-not-sick 1.059 after clouting 2 doubles in 4 plate appearances yesterday.  The Pears are being handicapped by 39 replacement plate appearances and 7.7 replacement innings (counting the penalty for the last missing pitcher).   

(Yes, I must now confess: the entire point of this theme is to highlight how the W’s have two of the maybe three officially sick hitters in the league. Yes, I realize how depraved this is, and how it demonstrates your Commissionership is in the hands of a sick man.)