Mr. EFL Answer Man Soothes and Relieves

Mr. EFL Answer Man hears it all.  Today I am going to share some of the things the E-FLAM has heard.  One or two of these are actual messages from actual EFL owners. The rest are more on the fantasy side, this being a fantasy league and all. Can you tell which is which?

 

Haviland: W 1, L (-1); 2 – (-4).  .265, .359, .471;  8 ip, 3 er.       

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

My helpless players are being sucked into the Lawrie – Ventura Vortex!  First Alcides Escobar gets bruised by a hard slide, and now he’s been ejected from a game he was too injured to play in.   Then Kelvin Herrera gets himself ejected for merely brushing Lawrie back.  Lawrie is a Pear, doggone it, and Ventura is a Rosebud. How do I get my Dragons to let other teams take care of their own problems?

— Had it in Haviland

Dear Had:  Might I suggest a change in your attitude rather than a change in your roster? Frankly, Dragons have a bad reputation, in some parts, for carrying off sheep and maidens and general vandalism.  Here you have two Dragons standing up for the little guy on a different team — Yordano is only 6′ and 180 lbs officially. Why not see it as a great PR boon for your franchise?

 

Old Detroit: L, 1 – 4. .195, .186, .317; 0 ip, 0 er.  

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man: 

Could you please remind the league that Nelson Cruz is available to us as a free agent? If the Dragons want him, they could start the bidding at 5 years and $11,750,000 per year!  The rest of us would have to start at $12,000,000.  I know that’s pretty steep, but I just watched the M’s come back from a 10 – 5 deficit with a run in the 7th, 3 in the 8th, and 2 in the ninth.  Cruz hit two homers, collected 5 RBI, and drove in the winning run with a two-out, two strike, bottom-of-the-ninth walk-off single.  

He always used to kill the M’s when he was on the Rangers.  The naysayers said he wouldn’t hit much in Seattle, but he’s batting .354 right now, leads MLB in homers, and is on pace to hit 108 of them this season. At least three teams in the EFL can afford him.  Can’t you order one of them to bring Cruz into the EFL? 

—  Only Seeking the Best for the League

Dear Only Seeking:    The Wolverines cannot afford Nelson Cruz.  So this little reminder is only going to benefit your rivals. Your public spiritedness is an inspiration to us all.

In fact, I myself am inspired by your generosity to publish this list of elderly free agents who are available in the draft to soak up excess EFL cash:  Elvis Andrus (8 years, $15,250,000 or as short as 5 years, $21,250,000);  Chase Headley ( 5 years, $11,000,000); Nick Markakis (5 years,  $9,500,000); Joe Mauer (5 years, $15,250,000); Buster Posey (7 years, $21,000,000); Hanley Ramirez (5 years, $18,500,000); Jon Lester (6 years, $26,000,000); Brandon McCarthy (5 years, $10,250,000 — that’s Baumgarner money); David Robertson (5 years, $9,750,000);  James Shields (5 years, $15,750,000).  That’s more than enough to tempt all the rich EFL teams. Why buy a debutant who is like grass (here today and tomorrow is burned up in the fire) when you could get a solid multi-year answer to your money questions?

 

Peshastin: W, 4 – 4.  .231, .364, .231; 1 ip, 0 er. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man: 

Can’t we get some protection for poor Pear Brett Lawrie?  All he did was slide.  He didn’t even hurt Escobar that badly.  Now Brett can’t get through even one game without someone hunting his head.   What kind of a league is this if a fine, upstanding, tattoo-ridden man like poor Pear Brett Lawrie cannot practice his craft in peace and safety? 

— Weeping for the Comparatively Innocent

Dear Weeping:

What kind of a league is this if a fine, upstanding, clean-skinned man like dainty Dragon Alcides Escobar cannot practice his craft in peace and safety?

 

Cottage:  L, 4 – 4. .222, .323, .259;   6 ip. 2 er.  

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:  

Travis d’Arnaud broke his hand today. How’m I ever going to survive with that crummy Salvador Perez as my only functioning catcher?  And look at my team — hovering around .500 like the Drive used to do.  Is the Drive my future?  

— Whey me?

Dear Whey:

Living the gracious life on Whidbey Island sounds like an enviable future.  Quit your wheyning.  As for your catching situation: Miguel Montero is available for $9,000,000 for 5 years.  You have $9,000,000 available under the salary cap.  Whey would these two facts be true if they weren’t a sign of God’s care for the Cheese.

 

Portland: L, 0 – 5.  .189, .189, .216;  5 ip, 2 er. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

My man Yordano Ventura kicked off a cycle of escalating violence and I can’t get it to stop!  First he beaned poor Pear Brett Lawrie on Saturday for something Lawrie did to Alcides Escobar on Friday.  Who cares about  Alcides Escobar — he’s a Dragon!  But Yordano is a sensitive soul, he saw injustice, and he tried to fix it.  Now he’s likely to get punished by MLB.  Who cares about MLB?  We’re trying to win a championship in EFL!

It doesn’t help that five Kansas City Royals got ejected from Sunday’s game when more players (including Lawrie again) got buzzed. Who cares about the Royals?  Well, actually, I care about the Royals, but it’s only a little dalliance.  I mostly care about the Rosebuds, and how to keep Yordano from extending the cycle of violence again the next time he pitches.  Any suggestions?

— Sleepless in Portland

   Dear Sleepless:  The answer is so obvious.  Yordano “Drama” Ventura stayed out of trouble the first two weeks because he got cramps before he could find trouble.  So next time he pitches don’t let him hydrate.  Those cramps are safety valves, kind of like the circuit breakers in your home electrical system, and you don’t want to bypass them.

 

Flint Hill:  W, 7 – 6.   .306, .358, .612;   2.3 ip, 5 er.    

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

Maybe I should know by now, bubba don’t get how my pitchers yesterday threw 11 innings gave up three runs and I still managed to give up more than three runs to lose. Is it a replacement inning issue? Because inning wise I look fine. Is it just a strange occurrence that will right itself? Thanks!

— Bubba.

Dear Mr. Bubba:

So — I don’t know what you mean by “bubba don’t get…”  Are you speaking of yourself in the third person?  Is this odd diction part of some syncretic faith — are you a Bubbist?

When I lost part of Sunday’s post, I lost my report of your rs/ra for Saturday. That report should have said that your team surrendered 2 runs in raw MLB numbers Saturday, which translated to about 1.9 runs in EFL numbers. You lost even though you outscored your foes because this is the EFL, and because you were closer to another loss than you were to a win after Friday’s action. So — it’s not a replacement issue, it is a strange occurrence common to the EFL, and it should right itself, although you may never be able to tell.

Hopefully you’ll find consolations in the teachings of the Bubba.

 

Canberra:  L, 7 – 8. .278, .366, .556; 18.7 ip, 13 er. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man: 

Dang it Shane.  A run!?!?

— Canberra General Management. 

Dear Canberra General:  Yep.  After starting the season with two straight 8-inning, 0 ER performances, Greene slipped Sunday all the way to 7 ip, 1 earned run.  His season ERA rocketed to a stratospheric 0.39.  Even though the other 11.7 ip, 12 er your staff allowed weren’t Shane’s fault, the ridicule about using that second first round pick on him should begin again at any moment, so get ready for it.  Oh, and I have to say, law school has done wonders for your writing. “Dang it Shane.”  So poignant. So tight — not one wasted word. Or comma.

 

Kaline:   DNP, 6 – 6.  .373, .373, .627; 7 ip, 9 er.  

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:  

In all the coverage of Nelson Cruz’ heroics, no one ever seems to notice that Kaline Drive Brad Miller started the ninth-inning heroics by leading off with a single. Nor do they notice that Drive Carson Smith was the one who put an end to the Ranger rally in the 6th to limit them to 1o runs. How can we get fairer media coverage of the Drive?

— Feeling Ignored

Dear Feeling:

You forgot Drive James Paxton, who surrendered the first 7 Ranger tuns in only 2.2 innings.  Of course, 5 of those 7 runs were unearned, thanks to Willie Bloomquist. (Grrr!)

Back to your question. The standard answers —  engage in unremitting scandalous behavior,  buy a major media company, run for vice-president and then resign as governor in the middle of your term — may not be within your reach. You will have to get more creative. Perhaps you can redesign the Drive uniforms to look like this:

 

Pittsburgh: W, 3 – (-1) .263, .293. .316; 15 ip, 3 er. 

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man:

Can the Allegehnys please be allowed back into the league? We’ve been stuck down here at the bottom in the cold dark cellar all season long, and  the door at the top of the stairs is locked. Could you have someone bring us the key, at least?

— Lonely at the Bottom

Dear Lonely:  The key is lost. I lost it myself. I’ve already ordered a new one.  It will be shipped from India on the ship Peerless.  It should arrive in October, or maybe November. Look for it then.