At Friday’s draft, the Head Cheese praised the management of the Old Detroit Wolverines for “lending” the Cheese $500,000, payable next year, in the recent Starling Marte deal. Uproar erupted. “I thought loans were illegal!” “I suppose Old Detroit came up with some clever legalistic way to disguise that loan as something else.” “We should report this to the Commissioner!”
No one reported anything to the Commissioner, but the Commissioner in his kindly but firm plentipotency was listening. Within an hour of the end of the meeting, he had completed his investigation, determined that the deal constituted an illegal loan, and hauled the offending owners into his office.
“I am so disappointed,” he said, casting his stern gaze on the management of the Wolverines. “The Cheese are relatively new to the league and our arcane rules. I can see how they could make this mistake. But you? You wrote most of our rules. You know more about them than anyone outside of Portland. How could you even consider making an illegal loan?”
“We hadn’t really nailed down the financials,” said the offending owner, his eyes downcast. “Marte costs $2,000,000 this year, but I was only obligated to pay $1,500,000 to help cover his salary. This would leave Cottage with only $25,000 going into today’s draft. I thought it would be nice to let the Cheese have some money to play with this year, and for the Wolverines to have a little more to spend next year when they’ll most need it. I didn’t think of it as a loan.”
“What else could it possibly be?” asked the Commissioner.
“A mutually beneficial exchange?” squeaked the Wolverine.
“Mutually beneficial to the two of you, maybe,” growled the Commissioner, “but at the cost to everyone else of fairness in competition. Even MLB doesn’t allow teams to collude like that.”
The Commissioner sighed. “I can’t require the Cheese to pay the $500,000 now — they relied on your good faith and drafted Bridwell and are at their salary cap. You two figure out how to fix this pronto, or I’ll have your sorry hides. Dunn! McGwire! Toss these two bozos out before they make me throw up.”
A few seconds later the two owners picked themselves up out of the gutter and sat on the curb.
“I’m sorry I got you in trouble,” said the woebegone Wolverine. “Can we substitute something of minor value for the $500,000 you would pay me next year? Maybe you could give me an option to trade our first round picks in 2019, hedged around with limits, like: I can’t improve my draft position by more than 34% or more than 6 places. So I could trade a #3 for a #2, but not a #30 for a #23.”
“I don’t know…” said the Head Cheese.
“If you’d prefer, we could index the limits on how much I improve my draft position to the increase in the EFL salary cap divided by our combined xFIPs.”
The Head Cheese shook his head. “That sounds too complicated. IANAL.”
The woebegone Wolverine looked at the Head Cheese blankly. “Are you sure you’re OK?”
“I’m alright, considering.”
“But you were just speaking gibberish.”
“No I wasn’t. I just said it was too complicated.”
“But then you said you were anal.”
“I did not.”
“Yes you did. You said very clearly ‘I anal.'”
“No, no, it’s an anagram: I, A, N, A, L. It means ‘I am not a lawyer.’ Golly, I thought for sure you’d know that one.”
“Simpler, eh? I suppose we could have you give me your computer pick exemption instead of the $500,000. But that might be legitimately worth more than $500,000 to you, given your tight cash next year. If so, feel free to turn this down. Maybe you have some better ideas. If we can’t think of something, I’ll just drop the right to get $500,000 from you.”
“Let’s go with giving you the computer exemption,” said the Head Cheese graciously. “That way I won’t have to worry about another Arismendy Alcantara.”
“Good point. We might save the entire league considerable grief. Maybe some good can come of this.”
When the two miscreants presented their idea to the Commissioner, he smiled gently down upon them. “Make it so,” he said. “I will not cast you into the outer darkness this time. There is hope for you two yet.”