I read somewhere that tears of joy are chemically different than tears of sorrow. I’m suspicious of this claim. But maybe I shouldn’t be. We definitely have tiers in our league with varying spiritual-chemical qualities.
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EFL Standings for 2019
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 13 | 6 | .697 | — | 136.6 | 90.1 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 11 | 7 | .637 | 1.3 | 106.9 | 80.7 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 11 | 7 | .623 | 1.5 | 103.4 | 80.4 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 13 | 8 | .599 | 1.7 | 119.8 | 98.0 |
| Kaline Drive | 11 | 7 | .608 | 1.8 | 66.2 | 53.2 |
| Cottage Cheese | 9 | 7 | .554 | 2.9 | 84.8 | 76.1 |
| Peshastin Pears | 10 | 11 | .464 | 4.5 | 101.7 | 109.3 |
| Haviland Dragons | 8 | 10 | .447 | 4.7 | 91.1 | 101.3 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 8 | 11 | .433 | 5 | 95.2 | 109.0 |
| Brookland Outs | 6 | 10 | .405 | 5.3 | 64.7 | 78.4 |
| D.C. Balk | 7 | 11 | .390 | 5.7 | 71.8 | 89.8 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 6 | 12 | .347 | 6.5 | 84.1 | 115.4 |
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Flint Hill: L, 2 – 3 (41 PA, .205, .233, .359; 1.7 ip, 1 er, 5.40 ERA). The Tornados have two AM’s. They both went 2 for 3 with a double. Austin Meadows OPSed 1.667 with that line, but Adalberto Mondesi only OPSed 1.400. Why? Because AM #2 hit two sac flies. SF’s count as PA, meaning they depress your on base percentage and thus your OPS. I usually ignore SF’s for reporting purposes. They are slightly negative events, and I can never remember if it’s SFs or SHs that count against your OPS. I’ll have forgotten by tomorrow.
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Canberra: L, 4 – 7. (36 PA, .152, .222, .242; 6 p, 4 er, 6.00 ERA). Both of our leading teams had lackluster days yesterday. Jorge Soler shone some: 2 for 4 with a homer. But Drew Pomeranz got pummeled: 4.7 ip, 4 er.
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Pittsburgh: DNP, (-4) – (-3). (24 PA, .174, .208, .217; 5 ip, 0 er, 0.00). When I popped into Mark W’s office to tell him how his name had come up in my class, I caught him watching Luke Weaver pitch. I see now why: 5 ip, 0 er, 9 strikeouts. I am Mark’s department c0-chair now, responsible for making sure everyone is productive at every moment. But I’m glad I went easy on Mark: that was the highlight of the Alleghenys’ otherwise dreary day.
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Portland: W, 9 – 5. (14 PA, .500, .500, 1.000; 3 ip, 2 er, 6.00 ERA). We must be in the miniature roses section of the test garden. Only 4 batters, 14 PAs, and yet such stunning, perfectly-round numbers. JT Realmuto went only 1 for 4 with a homer, OPSing 1.250. Tommy Pham went 4 for 5 with a homer — and that only raised his OPS to 2.200! OPS digs the long ball, I guess.
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Kaline: DNP, 3 – 2. (42 PA, .375, .405, .600; 5.7 ip, 3 er, 4.76 ERA). The Drive have pushed their way into the second tier of our league. There are four tiers, each separated by more than 1 game. Within the tiers, teams are clustered, no team more than 0.4 (or in one case, 0.8) games from its neighbor(s). Here are the tiers:
The Dominator: Flint Hill. I don’t know if he sits on an Iron Throne, because I know as little as possible about Game of Thrones. But I think the Tornado Thunderhead should wear a bulky grey fur coat, with the furs sewn together horizontally, to give himself that big swirling puffy powerful look of a monster Tornado.
Candidates-in-waiting: Canberra, Pittsburgh, Portland, Kaline. Are there dukes in Game of Thrones? These are the dukes, including that last one who has sort of slipped into the photographs without anyone noticing… until I did. But then, I’m the sharp-eyed one, the only one in the league, who noticed yesterday that the Oakland Athletics had quietly lost 91 games on Wednesday, making their record as reported in these pages 11 – 101.
Hovering near the door: Cottage. The Cheese aren’t really in the inner circle. But they aren’t out with the commoners, shivering in the cold, either. If Game of Thrones has a middle class — which I doubt (and I’m now smiling smugly at predicting something in a series I’ve never seen, which many or most GoT watchers probably have never noticed; also that I must be pretty good at smugness to achieve such high levels with the few resources at my disposal) — the Cheese are it.
Out in the Cold, struggling: Everyone else. The Drive used to be out here with the down-and-outers warming themselves at their own dumpster fires. These homeless men are the kind the dukes like to taunt, like one did to me yesterday, texting without provocation:
“Have we ever had more than seven teams below .500 at once? I can’t imagine so, so that’s a record! Congrats, you’re part of a record!”
That duke thinks he’s so smart. We had 9 below .500 on the second day of this very season. Just because his team has never been below .500 this season doesn’t mean he knows everything.
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Cottage: W 0, L (-3); (-18) – (-29). (30 PA, .115, .226, .192; 2.3 ip 0 er, 0.00 ERA). I don’t know, maybe the Cheese have just been tossed out the castle door, possibly to make room for the Drive? Anyone whose score for the day is (-18) – (-29) has had a bad day. [Editor’s note: on the contrary, a (-18) – (-29) day is a VERY Good day! Didn’t you notice the Cheese lost three losses?!? And added 0.067 to their winning percentage? To cut our sub-.500 population from 7 down to 6? Come on. Write it right.]
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Peshastin: W, 3 – (-1). (39 PA, .182, .308, .242; 17 ip, 3 er, 1.59 ERA). Those of us around the dumpster fires come in two subcategories. Three of us remember when we were in first place. The Pear thinks back on his glory day earlier this season. And when he gets three strong outings from starters named Eflin, Soroka, and Urias, he can dream of returning to the throne some day.
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Haviland: DNP, (-2) – (-1). (11 PA, .111, .273, .111; 7 ip, 3 er, 3.86 ERA). The Dragon wears the finery of a ruler, but it is showing wear and isn’t spotless, now that he’s been down on his luck for over a year. Such feeble hitting hasn’t been seen in Haviland for a long time.
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Old Detritus: L, 8 – 10. (27 PA, .333, .481, .714; 4.7 ip, 6 er, 11.57 ERA) There are rumors the gentleman from Old Detritus used to be the Dominator, but younger people don’t really believe it. This old guy muttering into his beard, flapping his rags at the flies? We may be young, they say, but we’re not that gullible. Look at him. He thought Michael Pineda was worth millions of dollars! Was anyone really surprised when Pineda coughed up 6 earned runs in 3.7 innings to ruin an otherwise surprisingly good day?
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Brookland: W (-1), L 2; (-14) – (-22). (25 PA, .273, .360, .500; 0.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). Cody Bellinger! He routinely prevents his team from having a totally bad day, and he did it again yesterday with a single and a long homer.
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DC: W, 13 – 8. (35 PA, .467, .543, 1.000; 1 ip, 1 er, 9.00 ERA). With that kind of offense, watch out! All the Balk need is more pitching and they could join the ranks inside the castle. (Psst! Over here! I might be able to trade you Michael Pineda…)
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Bellingham: DNP, 0 – 0. (22 PA, .250, .318, .250; no pitching) A minimalist approach to Thursday in Bellingham. But remember! The Cascades are volcanos, entirely different than those ancient Alleghenys. The Cascades have been popping up all over the lower half of the standings, and they are likely to keep doing so.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2019
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 14 | 5 | .737 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 13 | 6 | .697 | 0.8 |
| New York Yankees | 8 | 10 | .444 | 5.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 8 | 11 | .433 | 5.8 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 8 | 12 | .400 | 6.5 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 8 | 12 | .400 | 6.5 |
| Boston Red Sox | 6 | 13 | .316 | 8 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 11 | 7 | .637 | — |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 11 | 7 | .611 | 0.5 |
| New York Mets | 10 | 8 | .556 | 1.5 |
| Washington Nationals | 9 | 8 | .529 | 2 |
| Atlanta Braves | 9 | 9 | .500 | 2.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 7 | 11 | .390 | 4.4 |
| Miami Marlins | 4 | 15 | .211 | 8 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 11 | 7 | .623 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 11 | 7 | .611 | 0.2 |
| Minnesota Twins | 9 | 7 | .563 | 1.2 |
| Detroit Tigers | 9 | 9 | .500 | 2.2 |
| Chicago White Sox | 7 | 11 | .389 | 4.2 |
| Kansas City Royals | 7 | 12 | .368 | 4.7 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 6 | 12 | .347 | 5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 10 | 6 | .625 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 12 | 8 | .600 | — |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 10 | 8 | .556 | 1 |
| Cottage Cheese | 9 | 7 | .554 | 1.1 |
| Chicago Cubs | 8 | 9 | .471 | 2.5 |
| Brookland Outs | 6 | 10 | .405 | 3.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 6 | 12 | .333 | 5 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 12 | 6 | .667 | — |
| Seattle Mariners | 14 | 8 | .636 | — |
| Kaline Drive | 11 | 7 | .608 | 1.1 |
| Texas Rangers | 10 | 7 | .588 | 1.5 |
| Oakland A’s | 11 | 10 | .524 | 2.5 |
| Haviland Dragons | 8 | 10 | .447 | 4 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 8 | 11 | .421 | 4.5 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 13 | 8 | .619 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 13 | 8 | .599 | 0.4 |
| San Diego Padres | 11 | 9 | .550 | 1.5 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 10 | 9 | .526 | 2 |
| Peshastin Pears | 10 | 11 | .464 | 3.3 |
| San Francisco Giants | 8 | 12 | .400 | 4.5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 7 | 12 | .368 | 5 |