I didn’t write this

Occasionally I hear (in my head, at least) grumbles about how much I write about the Wolverines instead of … who else is there?

But today I wash my hands of that vile accusation, with two foolproof rebuttals.

1. That does not happen any more than it should.
2. And anyway, I didn’t write that.

Because today I am only going to give you headlines MLB wrote.  If you don’t like it, take your sour grapes to Rob Manfred.  I had nothing to do with it.

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Portland: L, 5 – 6. (64 PA, .222, .328, .407; 17.3 ip, 12 er, 6.23 ERA)

• Sale faster to 2,000 K’s than Pedro, a new mark.  Ok, that’s a nice career landmark. But how did he do in THIS game? Answer: 6.7 ip 3 earned runs, 5 runs allowed total. OK, but not really newsworthy.  But it’s not my fault! Remember: I didn’t write this. 
• Astros take G1 on 2 HRs, (Yordan) Alvarez’s discipline.  What did Alvarez do? Walk twice. Otherwise he went 0 for 3. Whoopdeedoo. The Astros won 6 to 2, and this is the big news?
• Means still trying to recover All-Star Form.  Hey!  Good news about the Rosebuds, for once!
• Tatis Jr.’s early exit looms large for Friars.  Even more good news!  Keep it coming!
•  Anderson laments one bad pitch in tough loss.  He lost by one run to the A’s — the Athletics, not our A’s. Which looks like good news for the league, but actually he pitched fine: 6 ip, 2 er.  Three news items about Rosebuds suffering is more than we can hope for, apparently. 

 

Flint Hill: W, 6 – 6. (62 PA, .275, .387, .490;  6.3 ip, 4 er, 5.68 ERA)

• Goodrum brings 3,000 cases of water to Flint.   I smell a rat.  Tuesday evening Niko Goodrum caught a long fly ball near the wall, then let it pop out of his glove to bounce on top of the wall and over for Kyle Seager’s third home run of the day , sealing the M’s win.  But the headline is about something Goodrum did on Tuesday afternoon?  Some people say the news is manipulated to protect the interests of elites.  I’ve always been a little skeptical. Until now.  Clearly someone from EFL powerhouse Flint Hill sent a text to MLB, warning them not to embarrass the Tornados with any coverage of Goodrum’s blooper. 
• Carrasco fields grounders, wants to face hitters.   More earthshaking news from Flint Hill. 

 

Old Detroit: W 2, L (-1); 22 – 4. (66 PA, .421, .500, .754; 15.3 ip, 12 er, 7.04 ERA

• Devers makes history with career-high 6 hits. In this case it was really historic!  Devers was the first MLB player ever to g0 6 for 6 with four doubles.  If he can do that every day for the rest of the season, the W’s might manage to make the Johnson boys sweat a little.  (Actually, I enjoyed envisioning Jamie’s torments as he celebrated Devers’ accomplishment for his beloved Red Sox, and at the same time contemplated Devers being a Wolverine now. And through 2022.) 
• Ahmed keeps raking as D-backs hit 4 HRs in win. Ahmed hit only one of the HRs, but it was his third straight homer-hitting game.  Also he hit a triple and a single.
• Bumgarner’s gem pulls Giants back to .500. His 7 ip, 1 er pulled the Wolverines further above .500. 
• Bell’s 3-RBI night fuels Buc’s comeback win. RBI shmarBI.  Who cares about RBI? His homer was bigger news.  I also thought Brian Reynolds’ 3 for 4 with a homer and two walks was even BIGGER news.  But I didn’t write this.
• Loaisiga’s return gives Yanks’ staff a boost.  I really can’t help it. Loaisiga didn’t pitch Wednesday, hasn’t pitched in MLB since May 8, and was unimpressive in his rehab starts.  But this is still worthy of a scarce headline?  Remember — I didn’t write this. 

 

Pittsburgh: DNP, (-2) – (-1).  (39 PA, .294, .385, .529; 1 ip, 0 er, 1.20 ERA)

• Eovaldi to rejoin rotation for stretch run.    That’s pretty bold to make plans for a stretch run when your team is 12 games out on August 14.
• Smith’s scooter a symbol of Mets’ surge.    I did not write this, most definitely.  It’s  an inexplicable story is about the scooter Dominic Smith uses to prop up his injured left leg while he scoots himself around.  I read the article but could not work out how this is a symbol of the Mets’ surge up the standings. The best I can make out, Smith had to get out of the lineup to open the way for the surge.  
• Swansby still hindered by right heel injury .    This comes from the same cluster of stories connected to the Mets-Braves game.  For some reason Swanson’s injury doesn’t seem to symbolize the Braves’ current occupation of first place.  On the other hand, look at these three stories from the Alleghenys’ perspective. NOW I see why the A’s are so boldly planning a stretch run? How can they miss, deriving symbolism from TWO key players’ injuries?  That mastermind in Pittsburgh has come up with yet another way to snag an EFL pennant. 

 

Peshastin: “W”,  1 – 4.  (36 PA, .229, .250, .371; 15 ip, 5 er, 3.00 ERA)

• Reds miss chances behind up-and-down Wood.  Alex Wood, who has been struggling in one way or another for the last 12 months, had an ok start (3 runs in 5 ip). I mean, I wouldn’t be that happy with it, since it’s a 5.40 ERA.  But MLB said he “wasn’t pitching poorly” so I guess we all should learn to be more content. 
• Flaherty continues hot streak as Cards blank KC.  This is yet more evidence that someone at MLB needs to go back to journalism school:  MLB chose to feature Flaherty’s start, but Flaherty himself is quoted saying “It was boring.”

 

Haviland: W 1, L 1; 13 – 5. (42 PA, .314, .429, .457;  13 ip, 2 er , 1.38 ERA)

• Quintana records historic, career-high 14 K’s.  It’s historic because Kerry Wood already did that for the Cubs. Kind of a big deal, I guess.  (EDITOR’S NOTE:  John just pointed out that Quintana has never been a Dragon. Good thing I didn’t write this. That would have been embarrassing.)
• Sweet 16: Yanks’ German atop MLB in wins.  The sub-headline goes on to say the Yankees are discussing an innings limit on German. 7 ip, 2 er, but an innings limit is coming up.
• Brennan OK after early exit against Tigers.  They taught us in J-school … well, ok, it was just Barry Hubbell’s journalism class.  He taught us nothing happening is not newsworthy. “Extra! Extra! Nothing much happened to Brandon Brennan.” See?  It doesn’t work. 

 

Kaline: W 1, L 1; 12 – 8.  (64 PA, .367, .406, .567;  6 ip, 1 er, 1.50 ERA)

• Avi exits with right oblique tightness.  “Avi” is Avisail Garcia. Garcia is quoted as referring to his injury as “something funny.”  I wonder if the Wizard agrees.  Also:  A.J. Pollock blasts three homers but can’t get a headline?  Too bad I didn’t write this.

 

Canberra: L, (-3) – 6. (40 PA, .128, .150, .231; 6.3 ip, 4 er, 5.68 ERA)

• Yamamoto struggles as Marlins allow 6 HRs.  Come on, be fair and accurate!  Yamamoto only yielded two of those homers, both of them to Kaline’s Pollock. That was over 5.7 innings of pitching, although Yammy did cough up 4 earned runs. Wei-Yin Chen served up 3 homers (including another one to Pollock) in only 2 innings of work.  He’s the bad guy, not poor Yamamoto. 

 

Bellingham: W 1, L 1; 1 – (-2).  (29 PA, .231, .310, .615;  2 ip, 0 er, 0 ERA)

• Acuna dazzles with 60th career HR, laser throw. I can believe it.  He dazzled for the W’s as a 20-year-old deb last year. 
• Tellez’s adjustments in Triple-A earn callup.  Rowdy’s adjustments have been called up.  Which seems cruel, leaving Rowdy in Triple-A without his adjustments

 

Cottage: L, 5 – 6. (32 PA, .241, .313, .448; 15.7 ip, 9 er, 5.17 ERA)

• McNeil injures left hamstring, headed for MRI.  You can watch him do it here. 
• Manaea very close to return after strong start.  This will help Cheese fans recover from the previous story. 
• Alvarado reinstated;  Pham out of lineup again.  More therapy for Cheese fans. And a nice easter egg for nearly the entire league, sneaking in this third bit of bad Rosebud news about players’ inability to play.  I would be proud to have written this.

 

Brookland: “W”, 3 – 4.  (26 PA, .182, .308, .545; 7 ip, 3 er, 3.86 ERA)

• Angels activate Canning, option Rodriguez. The Outs made the headlines!

 

D.C.: L, 2 – 7. (26 PA, .143, .269, .238;  12 ip, 9 er, 6.75 ERA)

No Balk headlines.  I feel terrible about this. I’ll make it up to you, somehow. Even though I didn’t not write this.

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