Today’s featured photo is from an ad I saw yesterday while checking the BBC for an Olympics update. The heading caught my eye: “Join the fight against global issues.”
My first thought was “Sign me up!” I am tired of global issues. War, COVID, climate change, wild fires, hunger, trash in the ocean, political misery (tyranny, anarchy, corruption), discrimination, substance addictions and the people who make money off them (legally and illegally)… They’re all so dire.
The fewer global issues the better!
Then I noticed I could “Call for Code.” That flummoxed me. Was there some secret code admitting me to the Anti-Global Issues Task Force? Didn’t they realize I am old enough to have seen A Christmas Story a dozen times, where Ralphie sends off to Ovaltine to get his secret code decoder so can join the fight against the global issues of his day? And then has to stave off his mother’s impatient wrath while he uses his decoder to read the secret message. I know how this comes out. “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”
I was just about to toss the ad away in Ralphian disgust… well, to scroll down to the medals table in Ralphian disgust, when I saw who was sponsoring the ad. IBM. Aha! It wasn’t about cryptography. It was about computer science. The ad wasn’t even aimed at me. I doubt I am going to make any global issues go away with my computer skills.
Dave: you’re our IT guy. Get busy, now that you’ve solved our data glitch from this morning.
You can warm up by coding against some local issues. Here’s a list:
EFL Standings for 2021
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 77 | 33 | .696 | — | 624.0 | 411.0 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 73 | 37 | .664 | 3.6 | 580.8 | 411.0 |
| D.C. Balk | 69 | 41 | .631 | 7.2 | 637.6 | 485.5 |
| Peshastin Pears | 68 | 42 | .619 | 8.5 | 539.6 | 426.8 |
| Kaline Drive | 67 | 43 | .606 | 10 | 575.5 | 464.7 |
| Haviland Dragons | 64 | 46 | .581 | 12.7 | 562.1 | 491.7 |
| Cottage Cheese | 60 | 50 | .550 | 16.1 | 639.2 | 591.3 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 60 | 50 | .545 | 16.6 | 558.8 | 508.9 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 60 | 50 | .541 | 17.1 | 562.3 | 538.7 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 57 | 53 | .522 | 19.2 | 473.2 | 451.7 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 50 | 60 | .457 | 26.4 | 561.2 | 620.0 |
Old Detroit: “W”, 5 – 5. (No offensive daily stats due to technical difficulties; 13 ip, 9 er, 6.23 ERA). The first item on Dave’s list has already been checked off as done: resolve a glitch today where the database updated the standings based on flawed offensive stats. We aren’t sure where the error crept into the system, but considering it was me who originally ran the stats, there is one especially uncomfortable suspect. Dave couldn’t undo whatever was done in the daily update, so he had to run the batters stats again starting from Aug 1, as if this was the first update of the month. It worked!
The pitchers’ daily stats were unaffected. But in the W’s case, they are still deceptive, because 5 ip, 4 er of that awful day were pitched by Mike Minor, who is still in the Wolverines’ rehabilitation camp with the Toledo Mudweasels undergoing therapy to get over whatever is making him continue his spell of awful pitching. That leaves 8 innings, 5 earned runs, which is only a 5.68 ERA.
Flint Hill: L, 3 – 5. (10.7 ip, 7 er, 5.89 ERA). The Tornados muffed a chance to gain ground on the Wolverines, despite a massive Joey Gallo home run and a brilliant start by German Marquez (6 ip, 0 er), because Nathan Eovaldi stank: 4.7 ip, 7 er. No doubt the Tornados would add to the list of local issues for Dave to solve something like “fix whatever is holding the T’s back from getting past those Wolverines. The W’s aren’t even playing very well right now and we can’t seem to gain ground.” But I already submitted a request for “someone not named Johnson to win this year,” an even more widely-recognized league issue.
DC: W 1, L 1; 16 – 16. (3 ip, 2 er, 6.00 ERA). The Phillies phinally passed the Mets! Those of us longing for a spectacle hoped this would happen while the Mets had still played 7 or 8 games fewer than anyone else, since it would be entertaining (to some people) to watch the Balk and the Kangaroos being tossed back and forth from, say, 50 games played to 58 and back to 52… such fun that would be! But noooo, for once MLB had to have its act together so now, when the Phillies finally do the deed, the Mets have caught up to having just one game to make up. So we only get to see a sudden two-game shift for the Balk instead of six or seven all at once. And doggone it, they were ready for it!
Well, almost ready. They only got 3 innings in yesterday, so they added 14 replacement innings to their total. They are also carrying about 22 replacement plate appearances, a balance that no doubt ballooned yesterday. But they still managed to get a split out of the day, and even gained 0.1 games on the Wolverines. With all those replacements, their actual players must have had a great day at the plate. Which is positive for the Balk, but not much fun for anyone else.
So, Dave, #3 on your list: the local issue of maximizing entertainment value in the EFL Could you provide us the spectacle of a team getting bowled over by a flood of replacements because the Mets finally lost their lead in the NL East? We have some voyeurs in the league who now and then enjoy a little schadenfraude (assuming I guessed the German spelling correctly).
Peshastin: L, 0 – 7. (1 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). We can only avert our eyes from what must have been an especially diffcult day at the plate for Peshastin. 0 runs is an awful number to score when your team, on the fringes of the pennant picture, has a precious opportunity to make up ground on the league leader. And then your stud reliever, Kendall Graveman, does all he can to save the situation, and even though he pitches perfectly, he makes no discernible difference to the outcome.
The Pears pearachuted another 0.6 games further from the top of the EFL table. Dave: trying to decide if one’s team is still in the pennant race is hard, one of those nasty recurring local issues we’re so dead set against. Can you figure out an easy, reassuring guideline for being in or out of an EFL pennant race? I am sure there have been teams who came back from 8.3 games out in early August, but how many out of a thousand have done it? I am inclined to treat anyone within 10 games of the lead as still in the race, but this is just a round number. It probably is too harsh to apply in June, but what about August?
Kaline: “W”, 4- 7. (11 IP, 9 ER, 7.36 ERA). It’s so unlucky: on the day we cannot see our daily offensive numbers, several teams have nasty pitching numbers. JT Brubaker got browbeaten by the Reds yesterday, surrendering 8 earned runs in only 5 innings pitched. John Means restored order with 5 ip, 1 er, but the damage was still done. Kaline slumped another 0.2 games off the lead, perching themselves on the 10.0-games-behind line. Dave: the Drive are facing the issues related to a possible uncontrolled tumble down the EFL mountainside. Can you oppose this issue by rigging up a digital safety line, or at least a hand rail, so the Drive can steady themselves and maybe not slide any further?
Haviland: 5 – 3. (5.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). Five Haviland pitchers in one day! The Dragons are not draggin’ their heels here. They noted last month their inability t meet the ten pitcher minimum. So this month they got more pitchers. Half of a month’s contingent pitched in a single day. And it worked! The Dragons drove forward 0.3 games in the standings. But Haviland still has used only 7 pitchers in August, and we’re 20% of the way through the month. Can they come up with 3 more before the month is out? Dave: Can you do something? We’re all against the issue of people suffering for lack of pitchers?
Cottage: “L”, 6 – 5. (5 ip, 2 er, 3.60 ERA). Everything is hunky dory in the Cottage. A solid amount of offense. Solid pitching from Alek Manoah, even if not quite enough of it. The Cheese lengthened their lead over the Kangaroos just enough to avoid suddenly being overtaken by the upstart Alleghenys. I am not going to give Dave any instructions about Cheese issues to be against. He probably knows more about conditions on Cottage Street than the Commissioner does.
Pittsburgh: W, 8 – 3. (13.7 ip, 4 er, 2.63 ERA) A great day hitting — you can tell by the “8” in the runs-scored column — and an equally great day of pitching, led by Logan Webb’s 6 ip, 1 er. Here’s an issue, Dave, now that you’re back from that break you took while reading your own team’s update: how can a team like Pittsburgh, possibly awakening in August for a pennant drive, still make an impact? Can you work on that, unless you’re against that issue, too. And no, please don’t suggest reviving Sabathia to plunk modern-day Carlos Penas.
Canberra: W 1, L 1; 9 – 21. (3 ip, 5 er, 15.00 ERA). Captain Kangaroo may not mind his team’s offensive stats going unseen today. They were so bad they are almost unmentionable. I’m certainly not going to mention them. But we get a full view Kangaroo pitching performance: three pitchers, one of whom almost quadruple chulked (Caleb Smith, 1.3 innings, 5 earned runs) and the other two of whom (the classic Clase-Karinchak combo) could not get the mess cleaned up over 1.7 more innings.
And Lo! Dave has already ticked off #4 on the list of local issues he’s working against: this embarrassment of offense and pitching occurred on the day the Kangaroos’ division got turned upside down by the Phillies’ long-delayed entry into first place! Sure the tsunami was tiny, but the Kangaroos still tumbled 0.7 games and got passed by the Alleghenys! A powerful team, to be sure, but their brand does not evoke the nimbleness to jump over the Canberrastick without a little drama. Nice work, Dave, on extremely short notice.
(Note: the Commissioner is writing this entry in his professional capacity. There’s more empathy and compassion for Canberra in his private, parental response.)
Bellingham: “L”, 6 – 2. (3.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA. That loss is pretty lame, Dave. Everyone knows the Cascades won. They outscored their foes by 3 to 1. Or 6 to 2, if you prefer. Maybe you could be against the local issue of extremely bad calls on wins and losses, as bad as umpires with wandering strike zones. Maybe a laser win/loss detection system to take the inhuman element out of our database’s habit of detecting losses as wins and vice versa.
On the other hand, the Cascades are our most recent expansion team, and they have the hang of our monthly EFL meetings. Bellingham drafted a BUNCH of new players — the most of anyone at the draft, I think. All that roster churning… and now the Belles have bounce in the standings.
Oh, and one more local issue we’re all against: our Commissioner’s stone ear for team nicknames. He’s been calling the Bellingham Cascades the “Bellies” from time to time, to go with the Phillies, the Flinties, the Oldies, the Cannies, the Pesties, the Dissies, the Havvies, the Pitties. (Not as much for the Kalies and the Cotties, for some reason.) But why be so rude to Bellingham? The Belles was right there all along. It’s kind of complimentary. Even though “Bellies” might fit Rowdy Tellez just fine, it’s an insult to the rest of the roster. Dave — can’t you come up with some kind of digital thingy that cancels out our Commissioner’s signal when he’s being especially rude?
Portland: W, 12 – 3. (5.7 ip, 1 er, 1.58 ERA). Isn’t it odd that the last place team is playing some of the best baseball in the league? Look at this score!!! We’d all kill for that. (Not people. We wouldn’t kill people. I personally would kill any number of mosquitoes for that score, but not any people.) Diego Castillo — the pitcher, not the infielder recently traded by the Yankees, watch out for him, Dave, it’s another Luis Garcia problem coming up — failed the M’s again with a run in his relief inning. But it didn’t matter because Matt Peacock… who is Matt Peacock? I’ve never hear of him. Some guy I’ve never heard of pitched 4.7 scoreless innings, and the Rosebuds gained 0.9 games on the Wolverines, the most of anyone in the league.
And no one would have noticed if the Commissioner hadn’t pointed it out. In fact, I bet the only person in the league whose even read this note on the Portlies is the team owner. All those other lazy .
…
Hey, that’s pretty slick work there, Dave! Too bad our Commissioner isn’t as good at his job as you are at yours.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2021
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 77 | 33 | .696 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 73 | 37 | .664 | 3.6 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 66 | 44 | .600 | 10.6 |
| Boston Red Sox | 64 | 47 | .577 | 13.1 |
| New York Yankees | 60 | 49 | .550 | 16.1 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 58 | 49 | .542 | 17.1 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 38 | 70 | .352 | 37.6 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| D.C. Balk | 69 | 41 | .631 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 60 | 50 | .541 | 9.9 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 57 | 53 | .518 | 12.4 |
| New York Mets | 56 | 53 | .514 | 12.9 |
| Atlanta Braves | 56 | 54 | .509 | 13.4 |
| Washington Nationals | 49 | 61 | .445 | 20.4 |
| Miami Marlins | 47 | 63 | .427 | 22.4 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago White Sox | 64 | 46 | .582 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 60 | 50 | .545 | 4 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 57 | 53 | .522 | 6.6 |
| Cleveland Indians | 53 | 54 | .495 | 9.5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 53 | 59 | .473 | 12 |
| Kansas City Royals | 47 | 61 | .435 | 16 |
| Minnesota Twins | 47 | 63 | .427 | 17 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 66 | 44 | .600 | — |
| Cottage Cheese | 60 | 50 | .550 | 5.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 59 | 51 | .536 | 7 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 54 | 55 | .495 | 11.5 |
| Chicago Cubs | 52 | 59 | .468 | 14.5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 41 | 69 | .373 | 25 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Kaline Drive | 67 | 43 | .606 | — |
| Houston Astros | 65 | 45 | .591 | 1.6 |
| Haviland Dragons | 64 | 46 | .581 | 2.8 |
| Oakland A’s | 62 | 48 | .564 | 4.6 |
| Seattle Mariners | 58 | 53 | .523 | 9.1 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 56 | 54 | .509 | 10.6 |
| Texas Rangers | 39 | 71 | .355 | 27.6 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| San Francisco Giants | 69 | 41 | .627 | — |
| Peshastin Pears | 68 | 42 | .619 | 0.9 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 65 | 45 | .591 | 4 |
| San Diego Padres | 62 | 49 | .559 | 7.5 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 50 | 60 | .457 | 18.8 |
| Colorado Rockies | 49 | 61 | .445 | 20 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 35 | 76 | .315 | 34.5 |