Fickle Finger of EFL Fate

There were three huge blowouts in MLB Tuesday.  We gather like skittish buzzards around such spectacles, hearts racing, eager and terrified all at once.

Six of us come away having feasted merrily on the carnage.  Two of us come away empty, but elated with relief.   One of us… well, as soon as the rest of us recover a little, we’ll have a moment of silence in your honor.

 

Old Detroit:  W, 9 – (-1).  .314, .386, .686; 13.3 ip, 2 er.  I saw the score  “Baltimore 19, Philadelphia 3” — and my heart leapt. I have no Phillies.  But I have Machado!  3 for 4 with two homers — one to lead off the bottom of the first inning, and one to lead off the bottom of the  second  and make the score 7 to 0 — and a walk.  (.750, .800, 2.250!)  Don’t worry, everyone, Machado didn’t hog all the homers.  The Orioles hit 8 of them. There are plenty to go around.

I saw the score “Miami 12, NYY 2” and my heart leapt again. The Yankees lost!  And then it leapt a third time: I have Marlins!  I have Yelich (2 for 4 with a walk) and Stanton (2 for 4 with a homer) and Hechavarria (2 for 4 with a triple)! That’s a total of 9 for 16 with a walk, a triple, and three homers from hitters taking advantage of blowouts!

The other blowout was the Nationals drubbing the Rays 16 – 4.  I have no Nationals hitters, but unbeknownst to me I had a Rays pitcher:  Jake Elmore, who got through the 8th inning allowing only one run. (I say “only” because…  well, let’s say because Nick Franklin coughed up 2 runs in the ninth. There’s more but that will come in a moment.)  When I drafted Elmore someone asked “where does he play?” and someone else said “everywhere” which wasn’t quite true since he only had a rating at catcher, first base, second base, shortstop, third base, and the outfield.  But now he’s also eligible at relief pitcher! So he does play everywhere.

Haviland: L, 2 – 6.  .174, .255, .239; 12 ip, 11 er.   When you see a score like “Baltimore 19, Philadelphi 3” and you have an Orioles hitter, you can’t wait to see what kind of monster day your Oriole had.  Well, the Dragons have an Oriole.  Steve Pearce’s line:  0 for 1.  He didn’t get into the game until it was already 17 – 3.  That kind of thing bothers us far more than it should.

But actually, in John’s case, it maybe didn’t. His attention was probably on a different  blowout — the Nationals 16, the Rays 4.  Haviland has a pair of fine Rays starters — Chris Archer and Alex Colome.  What if one of them was in that car wreck!? Imagine John’s dread as he clicked on the box score.

Now he sees that Colome was the starter.

Now he finds Colome’s pitching line lying in the ditch: 2 ip, 6 earned runs.  A triple chulk.  Oh, the humanity! At least he has one consolation: Colome is only 50% active this month.

But then John’s eye drifts a little further down the box score.  Dragon reliever Enny Romero is there!  What’s Enny doing in such a dangerous situation, with speeding objects whizzing past pitchers’ heads?  And — oh no! — Enny chulked, too!  (4 er in 2 ip)   Two Dragons chulking in the same game!?  It’s a new EFL record!  AND it’s too much to bear. True, Romero is only 40% active, but between the two of them you have pretty much an entire pitcher surrendering 5 runs in 2 innings.

It’s enough to break even a cold Wolverine heart: Pearce misses the party in Baltimore. Colome gets hit by a truck, and when Romero rushes to Colome’s aid, he gets hit by a taxi. Why do such bad things happen to good people?  I know, I know, he wouldn’t stop chasing the Wolverines, but other than that he’s a great guy.  Couldn’t there at least be a silver lining somewhere to give the Dragons a shred of solace?

Oh, wait — Alcides Escobar is a Dragon, and Escobar went 1 for 4 for the Nationals.  It isn’t much, but at least it’s something… oh, no, I’m so sorry. That was Yunel Escobar.  Wrong Escobar.  Alcides plays for the Royals.  They did win 7 to 2, banging out 17 hits, so maybe Alcides had a good day, right? Let’s see …  Well, he went  1 for 5. His team gets 17 hits — Chris Young the pitcher even got 2 hits and 3 RBI — but Alcides only managed one single… and he got thrown out trying to stretch it to a double.

Cottage: “W”, 3 – 4.  .308, .293, .513; 3 ip, 10 er.     Now I remember: Yunel Escobar is a Cheese.  One for four isn’t exactly feasting, but it is sort of like getting one of those little dry mini-sandwiches with a toothpick through it. So you got something.  And in light of what happened to poor Haviland, you aren’t going to gripe about Yunel’s fate, are you?

Besides, don’t you have something much worse to contend with?  Look at your Nate Eovaldi, starting for the Yankees:  2/3 of an inning, 8 earned runs. The first reported Royal Chulk of the season.  Just when Haviland was crashing back toward the Cheese, this happens.   So why are you smiling?

Oh. Eovaldi isn’t active this month.  Why, you sly dog!

Peshastin: “W”, 6 – 7.  .341, .408, .477;  0.7 ip, 2 er.   The Pears did rather well in the Nationals’ big day.  Anthony Rendon went 2 for 5 with a double and a walk, and Michael Taylor went 2 for 6.  That’s a nice .364, .417, .455 batting line to build your day around.

Flint Hill: L, 3 – 5.  .300, .341, .450; 0 ip, 0 er.    Oriole Chris Davis is a Tornado. He went 1 for 3 with a homer and a walk — a nice .333, .500, 1.333 batting line. (Look, I know this isn’t much commentary on the Tornados. I’m sorry.  I have to cover a dozen players doing amazing or tragic things in blowouts today. Try to have your players be more interesting so I can talk about them next time.)

Pittsburgh: L, 4 – 5.  .250, .400, .306; 1.7 ip, 6 er.     The Dragons got torched along with the Rays, the Cheese got burnt along with the Yankees — or would have, if Eovaldi hadn’t been vacationing with the Corvallis Curds — or maybe it was the Willamina Whey.  Now it’s the Alleghenys’ turn: their Jerome Williams completed only 2/3 of an inning for the Phillies while surrendering 6 earned runs to the O’s.

Ah, but those Alleghenys are sly, too.  Williams isn’t active this month! Man, we have some scary-smart people in our league, able to discern weeks in advance who is going to seriously chulk.  Both Eovaldi and Williams inactive!  And even Colome and Enny Romero are half-inactive.  I could never pull something like that off.

Kaline:  W, 6 – 3.   .256, .319, .512; 2.3 ip, 1 er.  Two Drives were in the right place at the right time to feast on collapsing pitchers: Orioles Travis Snider (2 for 3 with a double and three walks) and David Lough (1 for 5 with a homer).

Canberra:  W, 12 – 7. .452, .514, .645; 3 ip, 1 er.    The Kangaroos were well-positioned to abuse hapless Rays.  Denard Span had fun (2 for 4 with a walk), but for Bryce Harper it was so easy (3 for 3 with a double, a homer and a walk) that he got bored and gave his spot in the lineup to a benchwarmer in the 7th inning. Span and Harper combined:  .714, .778, 1.286.

Portland: W, 10 – 0.  .405, .419, .667;  7 ip, 0 er.   Let’s see… JJ Hardy went 3 for 4 against the Phillies, and Dee Gordon went 3 for 5 against the Yankees. Toss in Chris Young (the pitcher’s) 2 for 3 against the Brewers and his 7 scoreless innings — a better two-way performance than even Jake Elmore’s — and you have the foundation for the Rosebuds to come away with a blowout win of their own.