It’s been a while since I square danced — maybe since 8th grade gym class, or 45 years ago. But judging from the EFL standings today, it looks like I must be square dancing again, and just about to execute a do-si-do with my partner.
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 52 | 28 | .652 | — | 408.6 | 297.0 |
| Haviland Dragons | 53 | 29 | .640 | 0.7 | 407.4 | 303.5 |
| Peshastin Pears | 46 | 35 | .570 | 6.5 | 349.5 | 303.0 |
| Cottage Cheese | 45 | 34 | .570 | 6.6 | 344.6 | 297.2 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 44 | 36 | .548 | 8.4 | 386.9 | 351.4 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 42 | 35 | .548 | 8.4 | 358.3 | 325.6 |
| Kaline Drive | 38 | 44 | .462 | 15.3 | 322.3 | 348.6 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 36 | 44 | .450 | 16.2 | 420.3 | 464.6 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 29 | 52 | .362 | 23.3 | 331.0 | 441.5 |
Old Detroit: L, 3 – 4.
Haviland: W, 8 – 1.
If you look at the Standings History, you’ll see that Old Detroit and Haviland have been one-two since May 22, the day the Archie Bradley scandal hit the news and dispatched the Alleghenys to the nether regions of the league. The Wolverines passed the Dragons on May 23 and have been in first place ever since, but never comfortably so and always with the Dragons lurking nearby. If today goes like yesterday did, the W’s will trade places with the D’s — still linked but in the opposite order.
You look skeptical. You aren’t really looking carefully at the standings, are you? The Ws and Ds are only 0.7 games apart. Half way through the season, they differ in runs scored by 1.2 runs. They differ in runs allowed by 6.5. Both teams’ owners were born in 1956, during the Brooklyn Dodgers’ one year reign as World Series Champions, commonly understood to be the pinnacle of baseball’s golden age. The only difference between them at this moment is trajectory — the Dragons going up and the Wolverines going down. (Well, that and the distance they live from their grandchildren.) Today’s standings are a snapshot showing them at the moment they are about to pass one other, back-to-back in perfect do-si-do fashion.
Notice that the W’s and the D’s are not the only pair of dancing partners in our league. In fact there are are four pairs. It’s a square dance!
Peshastin: W, 3 – 3.
Cottage: L, 4 -8.
By now you should be convinced that the D’s and the W’s are essentially two peas in a pod. But they aren’t the most identical teams in the league. That is an honor claimed by the Pears and the Cheese.
The Snack Foods are only 0.1 games apart in the standings, and have apparently identical winning percentages. They differ in runs scored by 4.9 and in runs allowed by 5.8. These two teams have been close all season, never more than two or three games apart in the standings, their trajectories essentially parallel since May 1o at the latest. The teams’ owners rank third and fourth in the league in age, just like they do in the standings. And, most telling of all, the teams are both foodstuffs — tasty and good for you, as those of us who’ve had them for lunch can attest.
Flint Hill: W, 6 – 5.
Pittsburgh: “L”, 4 – 1.
The third couple in our square dance party comprises the Tornados and Alleghenys, the Forces of Nature. The Forces of Nature are vastly different in many ways, especially in terms of permanence (the Alleghenys have been in the league since its primordial days, while the Tornados have only just touched down). But at the moment they are dancing in tight formation almost the equal of the Snack Foods. In fact, the Forces of Nature are wearing matching winning percentages AND games behind in the standings (although their undergarments –runs scored and allowed — don’t coordinate quite as well).
Probably one of the reasons we hadn’t recognized this season was square dance is because the Forces of Nature and the Snack Foods were doing some kind of complex maneuver there together for the last two months, trading partners back and forth and generally clogging up the middle of the square. It was hard to see who was partners with whom, or whether they’d turned our square dance into some kind of scrum. But today they are each back with their proper partners and allemanding…left? right? nowhere in particular?
Kaline: W, 2 – (-1).
Canberra: L, 3 – 6.
Of course it’s not a square dance unless there’s a fourth partnership on the floor. Lucky for us, the Ka’s have been side-by-side in the 7-8 position since May 28. No two teams have ever stuck so close together for so long as Kaline and the Kangaroos have over the last six weeks. I don’t think they’ve even been as much as 0.020 percentage points apart in that entire time — a feat of synchronized choreography undoubtedly unmatched in EFL history.
And what makes it more stunning is their totally different styles. Kaline is simply smashing in its flowing wizard’s gown, its pitching skimpy with the runs and its offense even skimpier. Canberra is absolutely dashing with its offense, the tallest and strongest in the league, and its gallant pitching staff chivalrously ushering opponents around the diamond, offering bonbons at every base. Two such divergent teams dancing in such tight harmony — I suspect they are the ones the crowds come to watch.
Portland: L, 5 – 5.
(“Shhh. Don’t look now, but those poor Rosebuds have come to the dance without a partner. They’ve been standing over there by the wall, looking on wistfully, since May 15, and no one has even gone over and talked t0 them. What should we do?”
“I don’t know. This is really awkward. I hear there’s a form of square dance called ‘ninepins’ where there’s a ninth dancer in the middle. Do you think the Rosebuds know how to do the ninepins?”
“It doesn’t matter. None of us knows how. Maybe we could thank them for coming and let them know we’ll bring them in if someone gets hurt.”
“Yeah, the Wizard does look a little wobbly on those high heels.”
“Hey, we need a caller. The Commissioner kinda sucks at calling while he’s dancing. Maybe the Rosebuds would like to do the calling from now on?”
“Great idea! Now who’s going to go talk to them? I’m kind of shy, why don’t one of you minister types do it?” )
“Snack foods”? SNACK foods?
Perhaps they feel differently in Cottage, but in Peshastin the Commission’s effigy is being dragged to the bonfire. Pears are dessert, or salad, take your pick.
(Very nice write-up, Commish!)
The Cheese are happy to be a snack food, or (as in Europe) a highly prized delicacy served at the end of the meal, when Americans are thinking more about sugary desserts. Either way, we’re good for you. And tasty, too.
What we find objectionable is the recent misuse of the plural. Not in this post, but in a couple of them over the past week. Here’s the rule: if you have more than one Cheese, you simply refer to them as “Cheese”. For example, you might say “Three Cheese homered yesterday.” (As if.) Not “Three Cheeses.” That’s close to blasphemy.