TEXT OF COMMISSIONER’S DECREE:
For too long we have ignored an ugly imbalance in the calendar: July and August are two months in a row with 31 days. This breaks up the sacred rhythm of the year.
Clearly it was God’s intention that the calendar go 31-30-31-30 and so forth all year round — well, at least in leap years. Just because some egotistical Roman emperors wanted to aggrandize themselves with an extra 31-day month in the summer, we have had to struggle with a lumpy, unmusical calendar for the last 2000 years.
Staggering along going 31 – 28 – 31 – 30 – 31 -30 – 31 – 31 – 30 – 31 -30 -31 causes all kinds of suffering. I personally place the blame for my arthritic hip on those Romans’ stupid vanity, forcing us all to limp through the year.
For millennia no one would do anything about it. So I did. I failed to update the EFL standings for August on September 1 (old reckoning).
Because our database automatically begins looking for the new months’ data on the second day of the month, by waiting until September 2 (old reckoning) to do the (former) August 31st update, I made it impossible to close the month of August with 31 days. An update entered on September 2 would have imported all of August’s data into September.
At first I was horrified to think I had unwittingly abolished September, and made August into a 61-day monstrosity. But then I realized that I had elegantly and inadvertently created the perfect opportunity to reverse two millenia of clumsy injustice: I could declare that August was over on August 30!
By abolishing August 31st, I accomplished several things:
1.) I averted the threat to the entire month of September, and pacified the database.
2.) I made it so GFU’s classes started in a civilized manner in September rather than a forward and unseemly August start.
3.) I moved Mark Johnson’s September 1 birthday up a day. (Hmmm. I probably should have warned Mark. If he woke up on Tuesday expecting it to be September 1, only to discover it was somehow already September 2, he may have missed his birthday. Oops.)
4.) Our September rosters and allocations will now count the old August 31st’s stats as being part of the new September, giving the oppressed teams in the lower reaches of the league (ie, in 2nd place or worse) an extra day to catch up with the Dragons. I have always been, and will always be, a Commissioner who looks out for the poor and downtrodden. Bread and circuses for all!
5.) I have now made September into a new, proud month of 31 days. It has always been a month worthy of such recognition, and has never complained of not getting its due reward.
6.) In fact, to further recognize September for its many contributions over the years, I propose to give it an august new name befitting its new status as a grown-up month of 31 days. No more shall it (erroneously) be called a mere “seventh month.”
I now open the floor to nominations for September’s new name.
While we are waiting for your inspirations, might I make a modest suggestion? If July is named for Julius, and August for Augustus, perhaps September could be named for a leader of consequence, one who has (like Julius and Augustus before him) the stature and authority to alter the calendar with a single act of will — or in the present case, a single act of negligence? (Even more impressive, isn’t it, a man who can change a calendar on less than a whim?)
So why not name the new September something like — well, like Ron?
Or maybe Mocktober?
OK, how about Wolvember?
On the title–I believe the commissioner is right. The “hard” k sound of Caesar in Latin comes over into Greek. Greek speaking 1st century people (most of the empire) would have been familiar with “Kaisar Kurios”–and thus intrigued or outraged by Christians’ insisting that they renounce that phrase with “Yesus Kurios.”
On the months, unfortunately, I must side with the emperors, to a degree. Have you ever noticed that in the northern hemisphere summer (roughly 63-64 days) is longer than winter? February has to be shorter than some summer months or else the beginning days of seasons keep drifting.
I don’t understand your comment about why February has to be victimized. The year stays 365.25 days, on average. March 21 comes around 365.25 days after the last March 21, no matter where you put February’s rightful 29th (and in leap years 30th) day.
Or are you just saying that February is a good month to get good and done with as fast as possible? I have to say that this year’s hotm smoky August was getting awfully long from my perspective.