Behold the Wolverine — one of the few still able to stand on its own legs:
I took this from the New York Times’ Sunday on-line edition. It graces an article describing many of the threats facing America’s declining Wolverine population, including climate change (shrinking the snowy landscapes Wolverines favor), trapping, encounters with snowmobiles, etc. (The article delicately does not mention Dexter Fowler by name.)
Included in the article are some of the nicest things anyone has ever said about Wolverines:
The Wolverine… is a one-of-a-kind creature, earning respect and admiration from those who study it. [They] are extremely fierce, often fight well above their weight, and have been known to kill an adult bull moose…
“The Wolverine is a tremendous character,” wrote the naturalist Ernest Thompson Seton in the 1920s, “a personality of unmeasured force, courage and achievement.” (Capital “W’s” supplied by this editor, graciously correcting the original’s obvious typos.)
And yet the author confirms what we have observed with our own eyes: the population of Wolverines is in steep decline — and if they don’t get some protection as soon as possible, they may disappear from the United States.
So a federal judge has ordered us to take measures immediately to protect the Wolverines from further depredations. We here in the Commissioners Office understand our duty: comply with the order of a federal judge.
But how? That’s the rub. While we think about that, enjoy some standings:
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 3 | 1 | .746 | — | 22.1 | 12.9 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 3 | 2 | .682 | 0.1 | 35.0 | 23.9 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 4 | 3 | .584 | 0.4 | 39.5 | 33.3 |
| Haviland Dragons | 4 | 3 | .503 | 1 | 28.7 | 28.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 3 | 3 | .442 | 1.3 | 27.2 | 30.6 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 2 | 3 | .364 | 1.7 | 22.6 | 29.9 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 2 | 3 | .362 | 1.7 | 18.1 | 24.0 |
| Kaline Drive | 2 | 5 | .305 | 2.4 | 27.8 | 42.0 |
| D.C. Balk | 1 | 3 | .149 | 2.4 | 10.7 | 25.6 |
| Peshastin Pears | 2 | 5 | .280 | 2.5 | 23.8 | 38.2 |
Canberra: W, 4 – 4. (.216, .293, .297; 6;3 ip, 3 er). I know some of you would like to hear more about your teams and less about those precious Wolverines. And you’ll get to, I promise, as soon as we put in place the necessary measures to comply with the federal court order. Let me recommend three things you can do to make this work better for everyone. First, when your team is next to the W’s in the standings, you can emulate Michael Conforto, Chris Davis, Billy Hamilton, and Adeiny Hechavarria and be careful to be harmless (ie, go 0 for the day) . Second, if you want to read news about your own team, you can always do what I do: write it yourself. We have a nice comments section below. Third, if you get impatient, remember — this extra solicitude for the Wolverines will be over just as soon as Schwarber’s stint on the DL is over.
Old Detroit: “L”, 9 – 5. (.222, .344, .481; 2 ip, 1 er) You know how when you have a new car you like to find parking spots at the end of rows next to the cut-out where the bushes are planted? So one way we’re trying to protect the threatened Wolverines is by getting into that parking spot currently occupied by the Kangaroos, at the end of the row, so we reduce the risk of car door dings by 50%. Manny Machado took the lead on this project yesterday, going 4 for 4 with a double and a homer. The rest of the team only managed 2 for 23. I think they were trying to protect Wolverines by hiding in holes in the ground.
Portland: L, 4 – 8. (.270, .300, .405; 13 ip, 8 er). The bulk of the EFL attends Newberg Friends Church where Becky Ankeny preached yesterday. She clearly had the EFL in mind. She told us that when we are trying to be like Christ and find ourselves standing in a long line (say, with 9 other people) and one of them tries to cut in front of us, we shouldn’t tackle that person and choke them (or tear their ligaments). Instead we should respond with love and grace, and even offer to help them buy lunch. Sort of like the Rosebuds did when they backed off kindly to allow the Wolverines to stagger into second place. Especially Johnny Cueto, who pitched a very accommodating 7 innings with 6 earned runs allowed. Now, while the Wolverines are waiting for their chance to slip into first, could you do something about Corey Dickerson (2 for 3 with a homer)? That home run came pretty close to making road kill out of another Wolverine.
Haviland: “W”, 4 – 7. (.241, .290, .379; pitching stats unavailable). Dragons are notable for their courtesy. Or maybe that goes “Dragons are newsworthy when they’re courteous.” Whichever; the Dragons were careful not to tread on the Wolverines by apparently not sending any pitchers to the mound. They might want to keep a better eye on Paul Goldschmidt, though. You know how he gets, all amped up. Yesterday he doubled and homered. Be careful, Paul — those blasts could hit some innocent mammal! (For some reason BP isn’t displaying pitching stats suddenly. There may be Wolverine hazards buried there!)
Cottage: “W”, 5 – 6. (.276, .333, .552; pitching stats unavailable). Cheese is pretty inoffensive, except the smelly kinds or the ones with mold all over them. Cottage Cheese isn’t smelly or (usually) moldy — it’s the most inoffensive cheese possible. Still — do you think you might show a little more tact and not have Jorge Soler romp around the scene of Schwarber’s demise quite so exuberantly? (1 for 3 with a homer yesterday).
Flint Hill: L,, 5 – 8. (.273, .320, .455) Now we are getting further from the W’s in the standings, so you’d think it would be ok for people to let loose a little. But you’d be wrong. Marcus Semien broke at least one Wolverine heart with his homer leading off against the relief pitcher and costing King Felix (and the Mariners) a win. Please, people, think about the effects of your actions on the innocent ones around you.
Pittsburgh: W, 6 – 2. (.346, .471, .654; 13.3 ip, 5 er — pitching stats back on?) Maybe some people all the way back in 7th place could go ballistic without endangering Wolverines. But not the Alleghenys with their implacable history of Wolverine-slaughter. Especially not when Jose Altuve re-traumatizes Old Detroit fans with another offensive outburst (1 for 3 with a homer and a double).
Kaline: L, 4- 8. (.200, .317, .314; pitching stats unavailable again) Ooooh, look at this. Dexter Fowler got hit by a pitch in his only plate appearance. No, it doesn’t look like this was a season-ending injury. He was just pinch-hitting after a day of rest. Apparently God is going to exact retribution one HBP at a time. I can live with that.
D.C.: “W”, 3 – 5. (.211, .273, .263; 5.3 ip, 2 er) The Balk know how to be gentle when the occasion calls for it. Olivera went 2 for 4 with a double, and Corey Seager went 2 for 5, but they’re rookies and a long way from Old Detroit, so it’s forgiveable.
Peshastin: L, 4- 6. (.240, .367, .280) Of course the man with a cast on his foot would have empathy for Kyle Schwarber and the other Wolverines. And it shows in how the Pears built their offense around walks yesterday.