Baseball is a game steeped in tradition. We all know that.  But I never realized just how steep that steeping is until I saw this headline:

Pace-of-game changes, new slide rule adopted 

Look, I’m old enough to know what a slide rule is. My dad is an engineer — he had a slide rule or two around the house. I owned  one when I was in college — my dad probably gave it to me for my birthday.  I even knew how to use it.

But I haven’t seen a slide rule in years.  I had never heard of anyone in baseball using one.  Now it turns out MLB had a league-adopted slide rule.

This is mind-blowing.  And earth-shattering.  It undermines the very foundations of the EFL.  Think about it: while baseball was relying on old slide rules,  we’ve been running our fantasy league on computerized spreadsheets and databases!  We’ve been doing it all wrong.

Our league needs to be redesigned around slide rules rather than computers.  Or maybe we can just wait things out — I’ve also heard that MLB is allowing players and coaches to use iPads in the dugout.  Which, you would think, would make even the newest slide rules superfluous.  But, again, I’m clearly not grasping something here.

To be safe, I will get on this right away.  I’m heading out right after church to the …

… where does one shop for slide rules these days?  Does anyone know?  Can you order them on-line? That would be an ironic twist.  Surely our tech guy knows — Dave?

I wonder what innovations are packed into these new slide rules MLB is using now.  It was always a bit tricky using the old ones.  Perhaps the new ones are simpler…

Making sense of MLB’s new slide rules

Major leaguers trying to figure out new slide rule

Apparently not, if people are having trouble understanding them.

And it turns out the slide rules are not just league management tools.  Actual players have to use them, too.  How come I’ve never seen this? Why aren’t there slow motion replays of a center fielder computing baseball trajectories on his slide rule?  Why don’t we ever hear about slide-rule injuries?  Or is THAT how Jung-ho Kang’s season ended early last year?

Baseball’s New Sissy Slide Rule

Lowbrows will always be with us.

Astros want adjustments to new slide rule.

I gather the ‘Stros lost the other night because one of the umpires, using the new slide rule, calculated that a single Astro baserunner had made two outs at second base. That does seem like an improbable result.  But I will leave that to the league mathematician to figure out.  Ideally he’ll do that on one of the new slide rules, then check the result on an old one.

But just between you and me, I’m going to stick with the computer.  At least until all the dust settles.   Because can a slide rule do this?

Canberra: W (-1), L 1: 0 – 2.  The Washington D.C. area experienced snow and some game-stopping condition called “cold” last night.  So the ‘Roos didn’t get an official “game” in. Nor did several other EFL teams.

Portland: “W”, 3 – 4.

Old Detroit: W 1, L (-1); 2 – (-2).

Haviland:  W 0, L 2; 3 – 6.

Cottage:  L,  2 – 4.

Flint Hill: W 1, L (-1); (-1) – (-3).

Kaline: W 1, L 1; 6 – 11.

Pittsburgh:  L,  3 – 7.

D.C.: W (-1), L 1; (-2) – (-1).

Peshastin:  “W”,  1 – 4.

 

Some of you may be wondering whether we really need to go “backward” to the era of slide rules, no matter how new they may be.  Open your eyes! We are 5 games under .500 as a league! Already  Peshastin is in last place in the  NL West.  Only  Canberra and the Dragons lead their divisions.  If we do not adapt to our times — or whatever times the MLB is adapting to — we all could go the way of the Pears.

Now there’s a scary thought.