Tom, that sly old revolutionary, decided yesterday to see whether he could get everyone to reveal their secrets for success in the EFL. He presented it as an innocent little discussion starter, but I think he’s channelling his inner Bernie Sanders. He wants the front-runners to reveal their methods so he can lead the lower socio-competitive classes in an uprising against the top 1% 10% 30% 50% or whatever.
And it’s working! People are opening up! Well, all except one suspicious character, who I think is holding out on us…
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Haviland Dragons | 9 | 4 | .676 | — | 62.2 | 43.0 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 8 | 4 | .659 | 0.4 | 62.5 | 45.0 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 6 | 5 | .557 | 1.7 | 61.4 | 54.8 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 7 | 6 | .548 | 1.7 | 51.7 | 46.9 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 6 | 6 | .476 | 2.6 | 54.8 | 57.5 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 5 | 6 | .425 | 3.1 | 43.0 | 50.0 |
| Peshastin Pears | 5 | 8 | .407 | 3.5 | 47.3 | 57.1 |
| Cottage Cheese | 5 | 8 | .369 | 4 | 46.7 | 61.1 |
| Kaline Drive | 4 | 9 | .337 | 4.4 | 47.6 | 66.8 |
| D.C. Balk | 2 | 10 | .159 | 6.4 | 34.8 | 80.1 |
Haviland: W 1, L (-1); 8 – 4. (.455, .556, 1.045, 0 er, 0 ip) There was a report that the Chief Dragon said his secret strategy was “try to find good players.” This struck me as improbable. Maybe it was the first time I’d thought of that approach before, but I bet some other EFL owners know all about looking for good players. But I was present when he first heard about Tom’s suggestion. The actual conversation went more like this:
EFL: So what is the secret to your success?
HD: Go, Ethan, try to find a good one to swing at!
EFL: I mean, for the Dragons.
HD: That’s right, Ethan, take the walk if he gives it to you. Look — there are good players coming up behind you.
EFL: I don’t think you’re…
HD: Come on, ump, keep your eyes open! That was a bad one!
EFl: Ahem… John…
HD: Huh? Oh… Nice call, Ben! Looks like we’ve found a good ump!
Canberra: “W”, 2 – 4. .143, .200, .143; 0 ip, 0 er) The Kangaroo Courtier sent out a nice 4-part description of the Canberra’s rules for success. We don’t have time for all four parts, so here is an summary:
Spend way too much (on) every single available player…(I)f you pour over their projections enough… on draft day (you can) panic… (O)verspend on role-players. Never finish higher than third.
Canberra’s management is a model of integrity. They have always kept that commitment to not finishing higher than third. Kangaroo fans have thus been spared the despair of watching a championship quality team collapse into the lower socio-competitive class.
Old Detroit: DNP, (-1) – 0. (.188, .278, .188; 0 ip, 0 er). The Wolverines’ juicy secret was “get your studs before you need them.” But can we trust a sly Wolverine to be honest about this? So I asked Wolverine management about this. Here is a transcript of that interview:
EFL: Really? Studs before you need them? Give me one example of a stud you have before you need him. How about that… person… over there? <points to the hideously mangled body of Kyle Schwarber,
OD: <sobs>
EFL: There, there… You said yesterday you didn’t really need Schwarber now.
OD: I thought we were still in first place. Look at us now, all the way down in… I can’t even count that far.
EFL: Third place. Out of ten. Look, if this thing about studs before you need them is really your philosophy, wouldn’t you have more than one example?
OD: Well, we have our rotation for every year from now through 2019 already. And we have our replacement for the two starting position players we will lose after this year: Iglesias replacing Hardy and either Morneau or Reynolds replacing Rizzo.
EFL: Oh. So Morneau and Reynolds count as studs… I see. Um, don’t you need help right now at second base, catcher and OH? Where are those studs?
OD: In secret places. Far below. They will rise when our need is greatest…
Portland: W (-1), L 1; (-2) – 3. (.190, .190, .190; 5 ip, 4 er). The Top Rosebud was… well, inscrutable in his response.
EFL: What’s your secret plan in Portland?
PR: [mumble mumble} Din’r (sic) forget the present.
EFL: Dinner? Have dinner and forget the present? Is that, like, “eat, drink and be merry?”
PR: [mumble, mumble) At all costs, rebuild, and stick to [mumble].
EFL: Rebuild at all costs and stick to… what? Stick to what? Or maybe, stick it to someone? Whom? The Alleghenys? The poor Balk? Whom?
PR: Make sure you have [mumble] positions [mumble]
EFL: But we all have positions. So how is one team supposed to do better than another?
EDITOR’s NOTE: I have to go to a school board meeting now. I’ll have to finish this review of EFL competitive strategies tomorrow.
Pittsburgh: DNP, (-4) – (-1).
Flint Hill: DNP, 1 – 0.
Peshastin: DNP, 1 – 0.
Cottage: L, 1 – 6.
Kaline: DNP, 1 – (-6).
D.C.: L, 4 – 10.