Dead Giveaways

Last night I found myself on Bill James’ website, catching up on the conversation in “Hey Bill!”  This caught my eye:

Haviland: L, 7 – 7.  (.300,  .378, .375; 12.3 ip, 7 er)   This one is easy: you host a Dragon Barbecue night. The Dragon Barbecue has the figure of a dragon coiling out from underneath.  You put the gas cannister in the dragon’s belly.  The gas line runs inside the dragon’s chest and neck. When you turn on the gas, it comes out of the dragon’s mouth so it looks like the dragon is blowing the flames under the grill.   After each inning you give one away to lucky fan in seat such-and-such.   Fans can also win frozen kangaroo burgers or wolverine meat patties shaped like road kill, perfect for grilling, plus special cheese slices if you prefer cheeseburgers.

Canberra: “W”, 0 – 1.   (.186, .234, .372;  14.3 ip, 3 er).  Taijuan Walker pitched  6 shutout innings, one of the many things going right so far in Canberra to keep them among the league leaders so far. As for a good giveaway: probably the wolverine road patties would be popular when Old Detroit comes to town, but normally I wouldn’t suggest selling kangaroo burgers to Kangaroo fans. As for something more durable? Hmmm…

Old Detroit:  W,  10 – 4.   (.382, .500, .559; 7 ip, 2 er)  Six guys with OPSes at or over 1.000 last night made a big difference, despite what Welington Castillo did to Madison Bumgarner (see below).  As for a promotional night at the ballpark… how about this: Stinking Pickles Night. When next the Drive come to town we could hand out Stinking Pickles for fans to throw at Dexter Fowler.  Well, of course, not for that purpose — fans would be officially invited to put them on their kangaroo burgers.  But if somehow a few flew into center field, that would be… um… forgiveable.

Portland: W, 7 – 2.  (.256, .333, .535;  16.7 ip, 4 er)  Chris Sale did it again — 7 ip this time, but still 0 earned runs. Mookie Betts went 2 for 3 with a homer and two walks (and  stolen base).  That’s pretty rough treatment to be dishing out for a flower.  If they were the Thorns I could see it, but they are the inoffensive Rosebuds, killing you softly with their song.  They might do best with a Nonviolence Day — the first 200 fans get a copy of a obscure professor’s book on nonviolent responses to terrorism.  (I can fill your order immediately — at only $12.50 per copy if you buy all 200 today.)

Pittsburgh: W 1, L 1; 12 – 11.  (.313, .463, .469; 0 ip, 0 er)  Another easy one: the Allegheny snow globe.  All nine of the Alleghenys’ rivals are depicted at various levels of progress toward climbing an Allegheny peak.  You shake the globe, the snow flies, and all the rivals are completely buried. Every time. If the user is very careful in how he shakes, the tip of a Dragon’s tail or a Wolverine’s nose will sometimes barely stick out of the snow, but will disappear for certain if you shake the globe again.  An alternative idea might be a Jose Altuve Giveaway Night, where every visitor from anywhere outside the Pittsburgh metro area has to give up his best middle infielder to get into the park. (Did you think the Alleghenys would give little Jose Altuves away on Jose Altuve Giveaway Night?  Ha!  That gate only swings one way.)

Cottage:  W, 7 – 0.   (.308, .325, .641;  12.7 ip, 4 er) Salvador Perez!  Three for three with a double, a homer, and a walk.  That’s a very pretty 3.333 OPS on the day.  Newly promoted Kendall Graveman rose to the challenge with a very fine 6.3 ip, 1 er performance.  You’d think a team named the Cheese would have no problems coming up with endless promotional events.

Flint Hill: L, 0 – 1.  (.200, .200, .200;  14.3 ip, 3 er)  On a day when Xander Bogaerts was all by himself almost the entire offense, the Tornados were saved by some good pitching from some mid-rotation arms (Fister: 6 ip, 2 er; Pomeranz: 6.7 ip. 0 er).  Tornados are pretty chaotic.  Are we expecting too much for Tornados to get all their parts working together at the same time?  These aren’t the Royals or the Rosebuds finessing their way to wins.  They need to blow people away.

The same should apply to their promotional schemes. Getting a giveaway from the Tornados ought to be a thrilling, harrowing experience, leaving you feeling like all your stink has been blown off, or you’ve molted a dead skin.  Maybe you get a chance to stand in the batters box while Mat Latos fires 95 mph fastballs under your chin. Why not? He’s not doing anything else this month.

Peshastin:  W,  7 – 2.  (.306, .375, .528;  13.7 ip, 4 er)  Peshastin should have no trouble coming up with great promotional ideas.  The Pears are going to need a larger stadium by the time they work through their entire repertoire of promotions.  Among some of the lower hanging fruit (ha, ha):

• DesPear Day:  This is almost every day in Peshastin, once the season is underway.  I have heard the Pear ownership bemoaning its doomed team already this year, several times.
• Pare Day:  Fans get to nominate Pears for demotion to the minors.  They vote after the top of the seventh inning.
• Pearagraph Day:  Fans turn in a brief essay by the top of the 5th. The best ones get published.
• ImPearment Day:  Special seats right behind the netting for those who need help getting around the stadium.
• PrePear Day:  Fans get to vote on their favorite Pear prospect who has not yet appeared in MLB.  The vote winner gets called up and starts the next game.
• RePear Day:  Fans get a bobblehead of a player back with Peshastin for a second tour of duty… like Seth Smith.
• Au Pear Day:  Free tickets to domestic child care workers.
• Pear Noel Day:  A special exhibition game on Christmas Eve, complete with an appearance by Pear Noel himself. (In case you can’t tell the difference between Pear Noel and Santa Clause, just listen to him speak. If he speaks French, it’s a dead giveaway that he’s Pear Noel.)

Kaline:  L, 5 – 8.   (.255, .309, .392;  4.7 ip, 4 er).  Speaking of dead giveaways… The Kaline Drive are the only franchise to pre-date the EFL in the same location with the same name. (The Dryden Dragonflies moved only two or three miles downriver to become the Peshastin Pears. The Garden City KingBees moved several miles due east to become the Old Detroit Wolverines.   The Hill City Blues moved — I don’t know which direction, but not real far, to become the Haviland Dragons. The Dundee Filberts leapt across the continent to become the Pittsburgh Alleghenys.  The Cupertino ChipWits went dormant for a dozen years before re-emerging as the Cottage Cheese.)  Sometime about 10 years B.E. (Before EFL), the Drive drafted Steve Olin (I believe it was).  The remarkable thing about Olin: he was dead at the time Kaline drafted him. This was not bad luck prefiguring Kaline’s Marcus Stroman experience:  Tom knew Olin was dead.  The old league used the previous year’s stats, and Olin had a 2.34 ERA over 88 1/3 innings.  It’s probably already past time for the Drive to host a Dead Giveaway Night featuring Steve Olin bobbleheads. 

D.C.:  L,  3 – 7.  (.222, .300, .389;  2 ip, 0 er)  The Balk are short on tradition just yet, so it might be a challenge to find a proper bobblehead or other give-away.  But consider Wellington Castillo, who homered last night to ruin Wolverine Madison Bumgarner’s bid for a shutout.  Castillo is laughing at Old Detroit. He did NOTHING while he was with us.  As soon as we let him go, and the Pears picked him up, he turned into a minor star.  He’s a pillar among the Balkans now and a pain in everyone else’s… neck. I bet a Welington Castillo bobblehead compass would be a hit. It always turns to point in whatever direction the Wolverines are, and his head and belly bobble with laughter.