The Real Art of the Deal: Ch. 1 — Give ‘Em the Googly Eyes

Canberra: W, 12 – 3. (.447, .481, .681 — Happy EMD!; 14.7 ip, 7 er).  Wow! Look at that!  On the first day of negotiations I agreed to let the Kangaroos have a MONSTER day at the plate.  The Captain Kangaroo was crowing all over the place last night about how great his offense was doing. Christian Bethancourt with a 2 for 3 with a homer — one of my masterstrokes (since CB is only active 33%)!  I threw in 6 other guys OPSing 1.000 or over just for effect.  Captain Kangaroo didn’t even notice the meh pitching. He floated off to work today on a high — he’ll be putty in my hands this evening. (I don’t even think he noticed the Cubs losing 2 games, which I arranged as a fair warning of what hubris can do to a team.  I can’t help it if he’s not paying attention.)

Old Detroit: L, (-3) – 3.  (.196, .269, .413; 13 ip, 6 er).  I know you Wolverine fans are dismayed that, so far, the negotiations have resulted in a subpar day for the W’s and a 1-game retreat in the standings.  I empathize with your concern, of course.  But it was a necessary concession, a hook to get the Kangaroos to participate in the negotiations.  We’ll make it all back when we get them to pay for the 5 year warranty.

Haviland: “W”, 5 – 5.  (.214, .283, .476; 16.7 ip, 8 er).  We (Wolverines and Kangaroos) also agreed that Haviland should have a thoroughly mediocre day.  We had a little trouble convincing the 5 Dragons who pitched in relief, covering 5.7 scoreless innings, but Archer and Nicasio had already combined to allow 8 runs in 11 innings, so things still turned out well.

Pittsburgh: L, 2 – 4. (.235, .289, .382; 0.7 ip, 0 er).  The Alleghenys went dormant for the day. This also was accomplished by mutual agreement between the Wolverines and Kangaroos.   Also by 5 Allegheny hitters going 0 for a combined 14, including 0 for 4 for Mike Trout — which neutralized the other five Alleghenys going 8 for 20 with 2 doubles and a homer.  This is what I live for — the win/win solution to common problems!

Portland: L, 2 – 5. (.212, .281, .327; 12 ip, 6 er).  The Rosebuds decided to make up in volume (57 plate appearances in one day) for what they lacked in quality hitting.  But that’s not how it works in the EFL. Someone should explain this to him.

Flint Hill:  L, 1 -3.  (.184, .205, .184;  24 ip, 11 er).  Xander Bogaerts is getting tired of being upstaged by little Jackie Bradley, Jr. so he went 3 for 5 Wednesday.  No other Tornado OPSed higher than .500.  So who says envy is bad thing?  Drew Pomeranz uncorked 6 scoreless innings to transform a big bad day on the mound to an even bigger mediocre day. (Jamie – I forgot to activate Fister before this update. It’ll be in the next one, and you won’t have suffered anything.)

Peshastin:  W, 6 – 2. (.273, .365, .477; 14.3 ip, 3 er). MLB is making this huuuuge deal about Max Scherzer striking out 20 batters yesterday.  OK, it was cool and all — the Captain Kangaroo couldn’t stop talking about it last night, and he doesn’t even own Scherzer — but let’s keep our heads here.  Consider these facts:

• Banjo hitting Wolverine Jose Iglesias homered off Scherzer — so how great could he have been?
• Fellow Pear Danny Salazar struck out 10 in 5 innings. So between them, Scherzer and Salazar Pear pitchers racked up 30 strikeouts in 14 innings!  (Hmmm… both pitchers’ last names start with “S”, end with “r” and include a “z”.  Surely this means something, but what?)

Kaline:  W, 6 – 4. (.298, .340, .404; 6 ip, 2 er).  It wasn’t Marcus Stroman’s best day ever, but it was enough to secure a win. Michael Saunders’ 2 for 4 with a homer led the way for the offense. (Hmmm.  MS pitched well and MS hit well. Both are Blue Jays — another portent, but of what?)

Cottage: W 0, L 2; 13 – 14. (.373, .411, .588 — Happy EMD!; 0 ip, 0 er.)     Ouch – the Cottage appeared to lose two games despite almost coming out even on raw runs, and improving their winning percentage.  Let this be a lesson unto you:  Cottage’s great day at the plate was badly blunted because Cheese outfielders are suppressing each other’s at bats, and the team is racking up replacement at-bats at OH.   Plus I suspect there are rounding errors suppressing Cheesy accomplishments today.

You all do realize, don’t you, that we are absolutely dependent now on a cheerful Head Cheese to maintain our database?  We cannot have him getting too depressed.  So that’s why I emphasized just now the bright side: the almost-even score, the improved winning percentage.  If you see the Head Cheese… well, of course, none of you are likely to see him, unless you are lost in Salem. But if you do see the Head Cheese, be sure to congratulate him for the Cheese’s amazing ability to  improve its winning percentage by 0.005 points while losing two games.

DC:  L, 3 – 8.  (.389, .500, .778;  7 ip, 4 er).  Another way to suppress a good day is to have too few PA (only 22 this time) which forces you to take on replacements.   Actually, imposing a loss on the Balk is one of my proudest accomplishments so far on this mission.  Those Balk had won something like two in a row!  They were gaining on the Cheese!  An expansion team beating the Cheese?  That would be disastrous.  The very existence of the league could be at stake!  So, since I happened to be in DC anyway,  I slipped a little something into the bullpen water at Balk Stadium and… threat averted.  This is why you keep electing me Commissioner — I know how to get things done.