Still Meaningless Standings, Full of Mirages

Haviland: W 1, L (-1); 3 – (-2).  The supposedly patched-together Dragon pitching staff has already produced 22.3 innings of 2.52 ERA pitching.  $13,000,000 man Rizzo is 1 for 7. Clearly pining for Old Detroit.

Peshastin: “L”, 4 – 3.  Mitch Haniger came up with the tying run at second, two outs, top of the ninth.  He went out meekly. So much for the dreams pinned on him in Peshastin.

Cottage: “L”, 5 – 3.  $25,000,000 man Mike Trout is 3 for 8 with a 2b, 3b, hr — that’s 90% of a cycle already. A much better deal so far than Rizzo.

Pittsburgh: W 1, L (-1); 3 – 1.  In the battle of the EWIE’s (Ex-Wolverine Infielders Excelling), $12,000,000 man Jose Altuve is 2 for 7, both singles.  $500,000 man Brandon Drury is 4 for 8, all singles.  That’s actually kind of beautiful.

Canberra: W (-1), L 1; (-2) – (-1).  Who is the MVP for the Kangaroos so far? Why, it’s another EWIE — Mark Reynolds, Rule 5 draftee.  Projected for 0.1 WAR on the season, Reynolds has already achieved the target (4 for 7 with 2 doubles, a homer, 2 walks, .571, .667, 1.286 — that’s a 1.952 OPS).  The only Wolverine doing better is Madison Bumgarner (5.000 wasted OPS).

Old Detroit: W (-1), L 1; (-3) – (-1).  And they said Clayton Richard was a mirage!  He just pitched 8 scoreless innings. Against the Dodgers. He leads the league in scoreless innings.  I tell you, that’s an ace out there in the desert that is our 2017 season!

D.C.:  DNP, (-1) – 0.  Poor Sam Dyson.  He has the highest calculable ERA in the EFL (40.50 — Shane Greene’s ERA is infinite), but he’s actually pitched very well (2.41 FIP).  Those fielders behind him must be pretty wretched, or he’s just bad luck.

Portland: L, 2 – 3. Talk about bad luck.  The Rosebud’s three aces (Cueto, Gray, Guerra) have already combined for 12 innings, 11 earned runs, and one trip to the DL. That’s an 8.25 ERA.

Kaline: L, 3 – 7.  This is great news! After all, in their first game, the Drive lost 17 – 1.  Kaline is the most improved team in the second half of (the first two games of) the season!  And here’s more good news: while the team’s ERA so far is 17.36, it’s FIP is only 8.93.